To feel my bf is is being unreasonable?

(17 Posts)
ThankyouForTheVenom Thu 28-Apr-16 23:51:13

Thanks for reading this :-) I have very little experience of the right way to behave in a relationship - divorced last year from an emotionally abusive husband, who was my first boyfriend. unexpectedly met someone else and we've been pretty happy for the last 9 months. My new man knows about my past and the accompanying mental health issues I have to deal with, as well as a few physical problems which cause me chronic pain. He has a high functioning autistic condition, which can make things interesting at times, but we have always got along really well and have been very much in love and happy together.
Anyway, a few days ago as we were saying goodbye, out of the blue he grabbed me, and started giving me a massive slobbery kiss; it was horrible and I pushed him away, but he pushed me against my car and carried on, obviously thinking it was a big joke but scaring me and hurting me; I couldn't get him off or get him to stop. When he did stop, he was laughing but I felt frightened and disgusted and wanted to get away. He was oblivious of how I was feeling, and when I've tried to talk to him about it since he is completely dismissive, as if I am making a fuss about nothing. I completely get that he has trouble with empathy so I don't expect him to understand my feelings, but I would hope he'd respect that I feel the way I do and he is making no effort to do this. So was I overreacting to what he did? And AIBU to want him to take this seriously?

Birdsgottafly Thu 28-Apr-16 23:58:19

YANBU and I'd question if this is anything to do with his autism.

The issue with a new partner knowing the history of abuse, is that it could be exploited and abusers aren't necessarily abusive from the start.

If he won't even discuss it, I'd end it.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 29-Apr-16 01:20:56

"I couldn't get him off or get him to stop."
This time, it was a horrible slobbery kiss. Next time?

" when I've tried to talk to him about it since he is completely dismissive, as if I am making a fuss about nothing."
It was not nothing. It was a demonstration of power. You are not overreacting, but neither will you get him to take this seriously, I fear. I'd also question that this has anything to do with his autism - I doubt autism and being a wanker are exclusive to each other.

So, he has shown his clear lack of respect, OP. Now you have to decide what to do about that. If you stay in this relationship I think it can only deteriorate further, and impact on your mental health, your self-esteem, your happiness.

It's probably time to end it.

Creampastry Fri 29-Apr-16 06:38:59

End it now

Euphemia Fri 29-Apr-16 06:53:15

Being dismissive of your feelings is awful.

Duckdeamon Fri 29-Apr-16 06:54:42

Red flag!

How long were you single before getting together with him?

Pseudo341 Fri 29-Apr-16 06:55:11

I forced himself on you physically and refuses to acknowledge there's anything wrong with that. Get out now. I think you may have had a rather lucky escape here.

Skittlesss Fri 29-Apr-16 07:06:42

Nooooo you are most definitely not being unreasonable. I would question the relationship over this as he just doesn't sound to see that this isn't right. Yes, it may be "just a kiss" now, but if he did that now whilst you clearly didn't want him to and doesn't seem to see the problem, then what else could he do?

wombthereitis Fri 29-Apr-16 07:15:05

That would be the end of the relationship for me. Anyone who is willing to physically force themselves on you in any sort of way needs to be shown the door. YANBU.

YoniMitchell Fri 29-Apr-16 07:58:04

YANBU at all. The fact that he physically forced himself on you, then totally dismisses your reaction and refuses to talk about it would be more than enough reason to ditch him immediately.

notapizzaeater Fri 29-Apr-16 07:59:27

He ignored your wishes and carried on - that alone would make me run

ThankyouForTheVenom Fri 29-Apr-16 17:03:15

Well that seems pretty unanimous.
I think part of me was so used to capitulating to my ex for all those years it's a hard habit to get out of; plus I really thought bf's autism was to blame and I wanted to be fair to him. I said to him that I know that common difficulties for AS people are empathy and social boundaries, and I wasn't asking him to understand how I felt, just to acknowledge that it upset me and work on modifying his behaviour to make sure it didn't happen again. But maybe I'm being too generous?
Duckdeamon I'd been single for 15 months - 1 year of separation then 3 months divorced.

YoniMitchell Fri 06-May-16 23:03:38

Understanding and acknowledging are different. You deserve better.

TheUnsullied Fri 06-May-16 23:10:24

Massive red flag.

My (abusive) ex did this. It's really frightening. When he wouldn't get off me I bit him. He then had a monumental strop. It was the first sign I should have left him. I really wish I had.

PattiLevin Fri 06-May-16 23:12:46

If run away. Fast. sad

PattiLevin Fri 06-May-16 23:13:25

Fucking autocorrect. I'd.

hownottofuckup Fri 06-May-16 23:17:26

Definitely LTB

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