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AIBU?

Is DH being unreasonable in not helping out SIL?

56 replies

Lottieloves · 27/04/2016 11:59

I'm really new to all this, please accept my apologies.....

The jiss of the story is.... My SIL (not really my SIL but never less the mother of my two darling nephew and niece) is in a lot of debt, she has entered herself into a volunary debt replayment plan and as far as I think she is getting on and paying her debt each month or though she has told me that it started off as 5 years to pay the debts but now it's been increased to 7 years.... Sorry if I'm waffling...... She has a full time job and juggles quite a few balls in the air..... She was using a car that he dad gave to her, quite a nice car, tax and insured with no cost to her. Her and her dad have had a major falling out and he now wants the car back..... It actually a motabliblty car so it's got to go back after the the 3 years anyway.... Because of all the problems with her credit record, I casually said that I would take out a loan for her so she could get a new car (she needs a reliable car to get to work, ferry the kids from b4 and after school club). The husband has gone mad, saying its her fault that she has got herself into so much debt and it's not our problem to sort out...... Me and the DH have a very strict attitude to debt (my own child hood was besieged by balliffs and debt collectors, my parents had a very poor attitude to debt) so I said I would never get myself into major debt..... I am a sahm and DH has a very high paid job....... But I just don't know what to do, she hasn't got any other family (my brother was her partner, but she very limited contact with him) I don't know how to help out???

Any advice?.

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Danglyweed · 27/04/2016 12:01

Dh absolutely not being unreasonable! You on the otherhand are!

Friendlystories · 27/04/2016 12:04

If she's on a debt management plan it's unlikely she will have the money spare to repay you, they don't leave you much in the way of expendable income so I guess it depends how quickly you would need the money back. It probably wouldn't be very sensible of her to take on additional debt until she's on top of what she already owes tbh.

BarbarianMum · 27/04/2016 12:05

I think it would be kind to help her out but you do need to agree exactly how with your dh - not just decide to take out a loan on her behalf. How would she even repay it? What happens if she doesn't?

In your position I'd work out between you what you can afford to do then do it as a gift with no expectation of payment.

RumAppleGinger · 27/04/2016 12:06

I understand that you want to help her but saddling yourself with a huge debt for someone who has repeatedly shown themselves to be financially irresponsible is really not the way to do it. To offer to do it before even taking it through with your DH is massively disrepectful.

Ifailed · 27/04/2016 12:07

It all depends, if its your own money you are risking and not "family money", then its up to you, but always remember the old adage never to lend money and ever expect it back.
You could insist you retain ownership of the car, but she is responsible for all running costs, and you'll keep a set of keys so you can take it back, but then you would also be responsible for any parking fines etc.
You could also just buy a cheap 2nd car for her - don't know where you are but around here £1000 buys something decent.

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/04/2016 12:08

So you agreed this without talking to your DH?

Very generous of you, but your are unlikely to see the money again and should maybe have discussed with your DH first.

sparechange · 27/04/2016 12:10

If you are a SAHM with no income, you aren't going to be able to take out a loan in her name anyway. Because the bank will see you as not having the means to repay it.

So it would have to be taken out in your DHs name, or joint names, and YABVVU for speaking for him.

Given she has a track record of getting over her head with debt, AND for falling out with people who have helped her, do you really think this is going to end with her paying you back anyway? She has spent the last however long with no outlay for running a car so is unlikely to have money in her budget to suddenly cover all the costs.

I wouldn't be giving her a penny unless I could afford to write it off.

Osolea · 27/04/2016 12:11

YABVU, you have no right to agree to a loan that impacts on someone else, especially when you don't earn the spare cash yourself to pay for it if your SIL defaults.

You need to get on to your brother and ask him how he plans to make sure his children are provided for.

curren · 27/04/2016 12:14

You agreed to take out a loan for someone who has a bad history with debt, without talking to your dh?

You are being massively unreasonable. Especially since you don't earn money, so it will be coming out of his wages if she fails to pay. It may be family money, but neither of you should be doing this without the agreement of the other. I would be really pissed off of dh had done this when he was the sahp.

How would you, personally, get a loan without personal income?

OliviaBenson · 27/04/2016 12:14

Yabu! You should have discussed this with your DH. In any case as a pp has said, you wouldn't be able to take out a loan in your name as you have no income yourself.

I think it's time you and your family stopped enabling your SIL.

leelu66 · 27/04/2016 12:17

I think your DH is right to be wary. The likelihood of your SIL paying the loan back to you is unlikely (unless you wanted to give her the money as a gift?)

I also don't understand how you 'casually said that you would take a out a loan for her'. Getting a loan is not a 'casual' thing. Did you actually mean it, or were you hoping she wouldn't take you up on the offer?

How were you planning to pay off the loan? Using your own money? If you want to a joint account with your DH, then that's not fair to him.

Why did she fall out with her Dad?

Kidnapped · 27/04/2016 12:18

Where is your brother in all of this? Does he support his children financially?

getyourfingeroutyournose · 27/04/2016 12:22

Don't put her in more debt now that she finally has a way out. A loan is a really bad idea. I would suggest finding your brother and making sure he takes responsibility of his family (assuming you have any contact with him).

I get she needs to work to pay the money back, could you not just buy her a cheapo second hand car that'll do the job? She doesn't need a nice one, just one that works.
Get other people in the family to chip in and help too?

LagunaBubbles · 27/04/2016 12:28

Why did her Dad give her his Motability car in the first place, that sounds dodgy!

LaConnerie · 27/04/2016 12:30

Sorry but another YABU.

Presumably if you don't work yourself you won't be able to take out a loan - so it would be for your DH to do (or to at least guarantee). So there's no way you should have suggested it to her without talking to him first.

Also this woman clearly has debt problems, so giving her another 'debt' to pay off isn't actually going to help her long term. Could you (both) help her by giving her a hand to find a reliable second-hand car? If you can afford to help her financially that's your choice, but personally I would either give the money as a gift or not at all in these circumstances.

As a side issue - sounds decidedly dodgy giving somebody else your (presumably free) motability car to use - clearly none of my business though...

If she's really stuffed then maybe she needs to start using public transport instead of having a car at all? Just a thought. Even if you paid for her car, she still has to maintain it and fill it with petrol, etc, and that's a big expense for somebody struggling with money.

IlikePercyPig · 27/04/2016 12:30

YABU and slightly bonkers to have even considered it without speaking to your DH, let alone saying you'll do it.

LaConnerie · 27/04/2016 12:31

And YY to where is your brother in all this?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 27/04/2016 12:32

I agree with others that suggest if you really must help and your DH also agrees (unless you have your own savings to fund this), to buy a cheap second hand car and gift it to her. However I'd have her as the registered owner (so any fines etc go to her) and see it as 100% a gift.

It is a big gift though and if you don't have your own money to pay for it and it's family money, then DH must agree too.

Sadly you can't fix other people.

Letseatgrandma · 27/04/2016 12:32

You have agreed for for your husband to take out a loan for someone who is in lots of debt?? I can't quite believe that!! I hope he says 100% no.

PoppieD · 27/04/2016 12:32

Don't do it! Lending money like this esp with your DH not being on board is not a good idea. As an additional aside, is the disability cars hers or registered to her dad- she should be careful here as it's meant be used for sole benefit of who claims the DLA.

PoppieD · 27/04/2016 12:33

As far as I know that is!

airforsharon · 27/04/2016 12:33

There's an expression along the lines of don't lend what you can't afford to lose - ie don't bank on being repaid. Unless you have savings of your own that you can 'lend' to her that yabu i'm afraid. As a SAHM you won't be able to apply for a loan in your own name.

I think it's very kind of you to want to help but unless your DH is in full agreement then it's a no-go.

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NerrSnerr · 27/04/2016 12:34

How will you pay for the loan if you are a sahm or are you expecting your husband to sort it? I wouldn't get a loan for someone in so much debt, far too risky.

MintyChops · 27/04/2016 12:35

Never take a loan out in your name for someone else!

rollonthesummer · 27/04/2016 12:36

So are you going to get a job to pay for this woman's car? Or do you just expect your DH to cough up?!

How much money are we talking? 16 year old fiesta or something else...?

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