To move away.

(22 Posts)
Bitchqueen90 Tue 26-Apr-16 13:43:56

Hi. Never posted here before so bear with me. I'm looking for some outside opinions!

I'm a single parent of an almost 3 year old. I've been on benefits since splitting from his dad 2 years ago. In that time I've completed an access course to go to university this September.

I have only received one university offer. The uni is in a different city from where I currently live - about 2 hours away. I would really really like to go. I want the opportunity to have a career that I would love for myself and my son.

HOWEVER. I would be leaving all my family and my son's father behind. He sees our son about once every 2 weeks so he is involved to some extent. Also my mum is devastated at the idea of us going. I'm her only child and my son her only grandson. She thinks it's unfair for me to uproot my son.

I don't know what to do and I haven't got long to decide. I'm a very independent person and I know I would be fine living in a new city. AIBU like my mum thinks?

Also I should add my son's father is a train driver so he gets free travel which would mean he could see my son whenever he is free.

BovrilonToast Tue 26-Apr-16 14:17:14

Do it! As long as you feel happy that you will be ok on your own and you can maintain your son's relationship with his father, what's to lose?

And as for uprooting your son, I'm an Army child, we were uprooted every few years. As such my siblings and I are all independent confident people who aren't fazed by new surroundings and people,

hownottofuckup Tue 26-Apr-16 14:20:20

Go for it. It's a finite thing and you will still have the option of moving closer home in the future.
Plus 2 hours really isn't that far to maintain contact/good relations whilst you're there.

hownottofuckup Tue 26-Apr-16 14:20:54

Oh, and well done you!

Optimist1 Tue 26-Apr-16 14:23:40

This move is an investment in your and your son's future - grab it with both hands! Your mother is obviously disappointed that the distance means she won't see as much of you both as she does at present, but presumably you could make the promise of a regular weekend spent with her? Your child's father might initially be put out by the inconvenience, but you could imply that the uni 2hrs distant was a better choice than another one much further away no need to tell him you didn't get an offer from the very far away one .

Listerscat Tue 26-Apr-16 14:32:50

It is great that you have got into uni, congratulations.

I would weigh up the following:

Yourself - check out the town, the transport links, how easy it'd be to go back and see your mum and friends and family. Find out about local childcare options, affordibility and housing. Find out how intensive the timetable will be and how much childcare you will need. Do you currently rely heavily upon a local support network of friends and family, and if so do you think you'll feel okay about being a stranger (at least at first) in a new town and relying upon 'outside' childcare? Do you make friends easily and will you be happy to make a new network of friends?

Your dc - How do you think he would feel about about moving and do you think that he could adapt well considering his young age. At only aged 2 there is possibly less to uproot him from now than there will ever be as each year passes (ie once school starts and as he becomes more and more aware of his family and friends and literally of geography!).

Your mum -is she supportive of the general idea of you going to uni, even if not the moving part? It is clear from your post that she feels very close to you. I don't think leaving her should be taken lightly, but if you feel that this is your best chance for the career that you want then maybe you two can make it work. Can you go back and stay with her during half terms and holidays, can you meet up half way at weekends? It doesn't sound as though it's that far away.

Your ex - again, moving dc away from his father shouldn't be taken lightly but it doesn't sound as though it will effect ex's day-to-day life as he only sees ds every 2 weeks, as such would he, and most importantly dc, be able to adapt to the extra travel every 2 weeks? Where would he see ds?

Ultimately if you go you may find happiness there and stay forever, or you might end up graduating and going back to the town that you're in now. Either way you will have continued along the path to the career that you want.

If you decide not to go then don't give up on things, seek some advice about how you could go on to this career without attending this uni (could you apply to other unis next year? OU? or is there a vocational way to qualify or to work your way up.

Whether you choose to go or not, congratulations in getting in, it's not easy. flowersstar

CodyKing Tue 26-Apr-16 14:33:21

I think you need to do this before your DC starts school - you'll finish in time for him to feel settled (wherever) you eventually get a job

Bitchqueen90 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:32:52

Thank you for the replies! Regarding childcare - ds goes to nursery already for 15 hours a week. I can get a childcare grant to cover 85% of the costs while at university. I'm aware I will probably have to sacrifice what little social life I have but I'm going there to work for our futures so I'm OK with that.

Financially I will in fact be better off than I am now, the local council will still pay housing benefit to cover about 90% of my rent. I will have a student loan plus I can still claim tax credits.

I don't drive but there is a train that runs direct between the 2 cities with only 2 stops in between - journey time about an hour and a half. As I mentioned my ex drives trains for that particular company so he can get me tickets for £15 return fare (he has done this a few times before as we have a fairly friendly relationship). This means I could still afford to go back home to see family at least once a month and he can then see ds when I'm back in town.

Honestly the only thing making me hesitate is the affect the extra travelling may have on my ds as he's still young. Every part of me is telling me I should take the opportunity and go but I just don't want to be selfish. sad

OreosAreTasty Tue 26-Apr-16 16:35:56

As long as you make it possible for DS to see his dad I don't see why not (you seem to be doing that fine!) Congratulations and good luck x

x2boys Tue 26-Apr-16 16:37:10

Two.hrs is nothing really would you be 9k.for accommodation ? Your son is very young and will.adapt quickly .

OreosAreTasty Tue 26-Apr-16 16:38:13

Btw kids cope fine with train journeys (or bus/tube for that matter) some entertainment (colouring pads or videos are a lifesaver) a little bag of juices and snacks and he'll be fine smile plus you could always meet in the middle or take it in turns so DS dad could come to you for 1/2 visits? X

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Tue 26-Apr-16 16:41:51

Congratulations. Go for it.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes Tue 26-Apr-16 16:45:09

Well done op!!
Go for it I say, if you felt you wanted to, you could always move back after you graduated if there was a job nearby? What are you going to study?

mmgirish Tue 26-Apr-16 16:48:25

Well done. What an achievement! Please go for it, it might seem difficult but it will work out in the long run. Also, what a brave and amazing role model you will be for your son. You will look back on this in 10 years time and will be so proud of yourself.

PPie10 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:50:28

Well done, go for it! It will be tough now but the long term rewards will be worth it.

DippyHippy2016 Tue 26-Apr-16 16:53:21

Congratulations for getting on the course! I'd say go for it. You can always move back when you've got your qualification.

CwtchMeQuick Tue 26-Apr-16 17:09:13

Congratulations!

I'm half way through my degree having moved cities to go to uni. DS was 2 when we moved and he has settled fine and is very happy.

The only thing I would say is to check with the uni what your hours would be, will there be any antisocial hours? I've run into problems this year as every other week I'm supposed to be in until 6pm, DSs nursery closes at 6pm 20 miles away as I commute into the city. It takes me an hour to get home at rush hour. I sometimes struggle in the morning too with a 9am start, we have to be at nursery as they're opening the doors. It's my experience that while many tutors and lecturers are very helpful, university in general isn't made with single parents in mind. In my first year I had to take a lot of time off as DS kept getting sick, he was ill over all of my deadlines, compulsory lectures/practicals, and exams. I had to pull in every favour under the sun and beg people to watch him for an hour or two so I could sit my exams. It's good to have a back up plan in place, and to know what the university procedures are if you run into childcare difficulties.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but knowing that I'm doing it to provide my boy with a better life at the end of it is all the motivation I need.

Good luck!

SeptemberFlowers Tue 26-Apr-16 17:17:32

Congratulations - it sounds a great opportunity and I would be go up and have a look ! 90mins away isn't that nad and if it has good transport links, then even better !

FrenchJunebug Tue 26-Apr-16 17:18:00

Congratulations! Do take it, it will mean a better future for you and your son.

Bitchqueen90 Tue 26-Apr-16 17:29:52

Thanks for the advice, I don't know anyone who has moved with children so it's good to hear from someone who has been through it! I'm not entirely sure what the hours are, that's something I'll have to check out but I think it will be 4 days a week.

crazywriter Tue 26-Apr-16 17:29:54

I would say this is the time to do it. You're working on your future for you and DS and you've clearly thought about it. Your mum will be disappointed but it's worth discussing options for her to see her DGS. My parents live four hours away and see their only two DGDs once a month if they're lucky. My dad has it the hardest because he works 6 days a week. It isn't easy but it's all about how supportive they are about making a better life for their DGCs. It's not like your mum won't see your DS ever again and it's not like you're leaving for unreasonable reasons.

There is always the option of moving back after uni. Even if you don't move directly back, you could move somewhere closer.

I say now is the time because you'll have time to settle your son for starting school. He won't have as many friends as he would if you did this in a few years time.

I really wouldn't say you're BU and you're being very reasonable considering all the options first.

If you didn't do this now, would you regret it? Would you always thing what if and possibly resent the people who held you back? That's not the way to live your life.

Bitchqueen90 Tue 26-Apr-16 17:32:33

Thanks so much everyone for the advice/congratulations! I think I am going to do it, I just need to check out areas/nurseries for ds first. I'm going to be doing social work, I've spent the past year volunteering at a homeless hostel working with the residents. smile

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