AIBU to ask if you weren't maternal/ wasn't a fan of children...whether you had children yourself..?

(177 Posts)
Brighttulips Tue 26-Apr-16 13:34:21

....And if so, how did it turn out?

I am just not maternal, in the slightest. I don't look at children at all and find them endearing or cute (apart from a couple of exceptions and that's only occasionally!)

I am 32 next month and am thinking that perhaps my maternal/ biological clock will never start ticking. Maybe I will never be a fan of children or desperately long for one of my own....but time isn't on my side anymore, my DP would love to have children and he'd make a fantastic father. I would want to be married first, but I guess, really if I am going to do it, I would need to start TTC by the time I was about 34.

Has anyone ever just taken the plunge and found that they adored their own child...just never anyone else's?

Clandestino Tue 26-Apr-16 13:38:37

I've never been maternal as in cooing over other babies. Even now, being a mother, I don't relate well to other children. I like children alright but you wouldn't find me volunteering to babysit another child.
I love my daughter more than my life and can't imagine my life without her.
Hope that helps.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Tue 26-Apr-16 13:40:17

I'm 45 and felt the same way - I always kind of knew I wouldn't have DC and that has never changed!

DerelictMyBalls Tue 26-Apr-16 13:40:29

I don't really like children and never have done. It hasn't stopped me from enjoying motherhood though!

mutantninja Tue 26-Apr-16 13:41:17

Yup, totally. Never understood my friends who REALLY wanted children. Thought children were pretty revolting and messy. Met my DH when I was 35 and he wanted children really badly so I thought 'what the hell'. Had my DS and I adore him, I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. I'd do anything for him, he's a complete joy and I miss him when I'm at work. Can't wait to get home to him.

HackerFucker22 Tue 26-Apr-16 13:42:44

I fit the bill. Although sometimes I don't even like my own kids <I jest....For the most part>

I am not at all maternal and still don't know what to do with other people's kids. Despite having had 2 babies of my own, if you handed me a baby right now I wouldn't have a clue!

However the cliché is true and I just 'knew' when it came to my own.

It's not a decision to be taken lightly though. Life changes beyond recognition, your relationship is put under immense strain and a lot of it is pretty tedious. Yet despite all the negatives I did it twice if money were no object I'd do it again in a heart beat

judgelionelnutmeg Tue 26-Apr-16 13:44:02

Yes! me! Never wanted them and never liked them much unless they were close friends' kids or my niece.

Me and DP then realised that we were both late 30s so if we were going to TTC then we'd better do it sooner rather than later.

I think neither of us were 100% sure we wanted kids but thought we'd give it a go and I'm so glad we did! Our DS was born a few years ago and we absolutely adore him.

If I'd known then what I'd know now (that actually being a parent is great) I would definitely have had kids sooner as now we're currently trying to TTC again but having no luck as I think I'm a bit too old now (early 40s).

P.S still don't like other people's kids much!

UnderTheF1oorboards Tue 26-Apr-16 13:45:16

Yep. My DP wanted them and I wasn't bothered. It took me 6 years to agree. I don't really get cute kids and I still don't rate small babies; even my own. However my DC are thoroughly tremendous. Still not a massive fan of other people's.

Even when DS1's congenital disability shattered my plans (having committed to the project) of raising some sort of erudite brain surgeon/atomic physicist type, it didn't matter. He is still quite the best DS1 there ever was.

BertieBeats Tue 26-Apr-16 13:47:18

I've never been maternal and don't think I would have ever planned children if I hadn't have had a surprise pregnancy with my first. After that I planned 2 more but more because I was thinking of my first when he grew up and not having enough family around him. Even now I'm not maternal but my children are very well looked after, clean ,fed etc.... I do feel guilty because I probably don't play with them as much as I should or do enough arts and crafts/ baking with them etc... Funny thing is kids love me ,I don't know why as I don't particularly like them (I mean that lightheartedly ,of course ) but I must have something ,lol.

NewLife4Me Tue 26-Apr-16 13:49:06

I was never having children, I loved other peoples children and was very childish myself.
I have never been one to ah at babies or toddlers, have done a couple of times after having our 3.

I always say to those who say they don't want dc, how do you know?
It completely changed my life and prior to this I didn't have a maternal bone in my body grin

I instantly bonded with ds1 and the feeling of being complete was unbelievable.
None of them were planned, we just sort of went with the flow and ended up with 3.

Everybody is different though and we all have our reasons for feeling as we do, I don't think there's a normal tbh.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Tue 26-Apr-16 13:49:09

I was never maternal and honestly couldn't think of anything worse than being a mum.

Fell pregnant by accident, and was unsure of how I felt, then miscarried at 10 weeks. That was it then, this broodiness took over and I was like a woman possessed - I had to have a baby. I was very lucky and fell pregnant quickly, and now have a gorgeous 17 month old son.

I love my son, but still have no interest in other people's children and wouldn't have any more as I feel like I've fulfilled that "need" with my DS.

Micah Tue 26-Apr-16 13:49:17

Me, yes and no. No experience of babies or children, and generally don't like people smile. However i did know i wanted my own, and im very nurturing towards animal, my pets are thoroughly pampered.

On the other hand my own mum is clear that she never wanted children, and only had us to please my dad. That's not an entirely healthy relationship...

FrizzyNoodles Tue 26-Apr-16 13:51:10

My little girl was a surprise she's still a baby but I am quite taken with her. I didn't plan on having children but possibly would have if I'd had a partner like yours.

I've never been keen on babies because they're so fragile and helpless which freaks me out a bit. I prefer them when they're a bit more substantial and can hold a conversation.

Assuming it stays the same you can split the maternity leave with your dp and have 6 months each. Mat leave is brilliant though. Pj's and eating and being in a sleep deprived daze. She feeds constantly and won't nap unless I'm holding her so I can't do much else.

ElspethFlashman Tue 26-Apr-16 13:52:02

Yup. At 32 I never wanted kids, at 35 I never wanted kids, at 37 I never wanted kids. ....

At 38 I thought oh shit, am I really truly ok with never having kids? ?

I realised I wasn't 100% ok with that.

Now I have kids. It's been the hardest I've ever worked and I'm bloody glad I had my fun beforehand as I haven't seen the inside of a pub in a long while! But I haven't laughed so much in years. Kids are so funny. Even with tantrums I have to suppress a smile cos they have them for the STUPIDIST reasons! "Daddy wouldn't let me squidge the coleslaw" etc.

Put it this way. ....I was always a confirmed dog person but this is 1000 times more fun than a dog.

ToastDemon Tue 26-Apr-16 13:52:17

I have never had any interest in babies or children, I was always curious if any sort of biological clock thing would kick in but it never did and I became more certain each passing year that I didn't want any. I'm now forty.

Luckily DH has always been on the same page or I'm not sure what would have happened.
Our decision often makes me feel happy and relieved.

FrizzyNoodles Tue 26-Apr-16 13:53:37

I haven't been to any groups yet or coffee mornings or whatever and probably won't bother much. I know it won't be my thing and I'd rather meet up with existing friends

Elle80 Tue 26-Apr-16 13:56:00

I don't really care for other people's children and I definitely would not describe myself as maternal, but I absolutely adore my own two and having them has changed my life for the better.

Hariasa Tue 26-Apr-16 13:58:53

My good friend was never maternal. Didn't even really play with dolls as a child.

She has 2 DC now and her life is completely centred around them. She also gave up her lab job to work with children.

Salene Tue 26-Apr-16 14:04:55

I had zero interest in children, still do apart from my own

Even in pregnancy I wasn't that bothered by bump and remember having a wobble not long before he was born thinking crap what if I don't even like my baby

Then he was born and even at first it wasn't a over whelming love it grew over then first few weeks and now he is 19 months and the best thing that's ever been in my life and I can't imagine life without him even if he is annoying at times wink and im pregnant again

Still have no interest in other kids though or other babies etc

eyeslikebutterflies Tue 26-Apr-16 14:05:11

I found the idea of having kids quite repulsive. DH wanted them. Became a mum at 33. Best. Thing. Ever.

The love I have for my kids is quite something. But more than that, I actually like them. They're great people, the kinds of people I want In my life. I really didn't expect that.

InionEile Tue 26-Apr-16 14:08:29

Yes, I was your quintessential non-maternal woman, OP. Never had baby dolls as a kid, never had babysitting jobs, knew zero about kids and was terrified of giving birth. But I did feel that I should at least try to have kids because, hey, we only live once. And DH wanted kids - he would be the one noticing cute babies and saying 'aw look at the adorable wee baby' while I would be oblivious. And he is a great dad.

So I am pleased to report that it worked out fine and I am managing to mother my children fairly well considering my zero maternal instincts. Haven't dropped them on their head yet or anything. I do find the toddler years to be a chore with the endless mess and tantrums and I have a shorter fuse than DH but my 4 year old is a joy now. I sometimes just take him out on the weekends for fun, just the two of us, to go to a kids art festival or for lunch or whatever. Once they can talk and never shut up they get more fun.

RoboticSealpup Tue 26-Apr-16 14:08:56

I never thought of myself as maternal and when I came out of a long term relationship in my late twenties I thought it would never happen and was totally fine with that. Then my circumstances changed a lot in a short space of time - I finished my studies, met DH who is the polar opposite of the ex and who really wanted children, and suddenly I got really 'broody'. I never used to like children or babies that much, but since I had DD I think they're pretty great. However, it's still nothing compared to how much I love DD. Even when I really longed for a baby, I never realised how much I would love her when she arrived. Then again, she's not a child, but a magical elfin creature made from pure love and happiness and covered with pink marzipan I won't try to describe it, as it'll probably come across a bit weird.

BarbaraofSeville Tue 26-Apr-16 14:10:15

I'm 42 and still have no desire to have children and almost certainly never will.

However, I have heard several times recently that the 'your fertility declines rapidly after 35' idea is becoming outdated so don't think you have to rush into TTC if you aren't ready/sure for fear of missing the boat.

queenoftheboys Tue 26-Apr-16 14:14:37

I never really liked kids, never particularly wanted any, accidental pregnancy at 38 with relatively new partner, and 15 years later having just gone with the flow like a PP we have 4! I think it's great, and am really happy (still can take or leave other peoples' though smile ) If it hadn't happened accidentally I doubt I would have taken a conscious decision to have kids and I think I would have been fine with that too.

RatherBeRiding Tue 26-Apr-16 14:16:08

I was (and still am) the most un-maternal person. Not even slightly interested in babies or children. But I had 2 - took a few weeks to "bond" with the first one but even when I did I still had little if any interest in other people's babies.

Got very broody after about 18 months and had DC2 - was completely smitten straight away. I had, and continue to have, a very healthy and loving relationship with my 2 DC but remain completely uninterested in cooing over anyone else's.

I thoroughly enjoyed motherhood despite being unmaternal. When people say "it's different when it's your own" - it really is! Maybe one day I will enjoy being a grandmother but, honestly, right at this moment I couldn't care less if either of my DC had their own babies (will be delighted for them of course, but not sure how interested I will be for myself, IYSWIM!)

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