Regarding lack of presents for ds

[tevion]

Hello
I don't want to appear petty here but I was would be grateful for your opinions.
We have a relative in our family who every time it comes to my ds's birthday or Christmas we cant get a present or money out of for my ds my sister tries my own mom has tried and he always fails to give anything.
We have a much younger child in the family that always gets and its usally something not cheap but then the mother of that child would tell him straight if he didn't give her child.
This relative is a bit tight with money but he isn't short at all.
He has two young children of his own and of course we always give his children for birthdays, Christmas etc I usually do as well but I am starting to think am I a mug also everyone else is saying don't give.
My ds is now 15 so not a young one hwoever he is at a age where any money given as a gift to him is very useful.
I have said to people its not his childrens fault and that I still fee I should give them something.
What do you think.

[tevion]

sorry for grammar typed in a rush

[VagueIdeas]

You can't force someone to give gifts to your child, even if they are just being tight and give expensive gifts to other family members.

Just rise above it and take it as a sign of their character.

[Dvallin]

Surely to God you don't go around demanding gifts!?

I would make a point of giving nothing if I were to be pressured by various relatives like that.

[tevion]

Well I have actually said that vague he cant be forced

[VagueIdeas]

As for his children, you can compromise and give small gifts. I know it must rankle, so don't feel the need to spend a lot.

[tevion]

I never say anything its my mom and sister who say it. My mom stood and said why haven't you given him and he just said I keep forgetting so she said he is here now give it him

[tevion]

That's what I thought just give tiny gifts which is really what I do anyway

[DisappointedOne]

DD is 5 and hasn't had so much as a birthday card from her 3 uncles and aunts on DH's side since she was 2. For a year or so we thought it was an oversight and sent for their children (5 of them, all younger). Nothing ever came the other way so we've taken the hint and send nothing that way now. They live near each other and do buy amongst themselves. I don't understand it but I don't let it bother me any more.

[charlestonchaplin]

It's not compulsory to give children presents and presents don't equal love and affection. It can be materialistic to have an entitlement to presents, even for your precious child. A gift not given freely is no gift at all. If you are feeling like you are being taken for a fool, then stop sending presents to him and his children.

No-one is emotionally scarred because they didn't receive presents from their wider family, unless their parents make it a big deal. Many people don't even have a close relationship with many relations, uncles included, so it's no big deal if you don't get a present from one. You can also suggest not bothering with presents and just enjoy each others company.

[Artandco]

Wow, you don't make anyone give a gift. Some people do gifting way more than others. In our family only parents and grandparents buy any gifts really

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

Dd is 3. She hasn't had so much as a card from her DAD since she was 1.

She has aunts she has never met

Focus on the good things.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

Yabu

As a young child I got lots more presents from my many aunts and uncles. As I got older and less cute and also more nieces and nephews came along, I got less. It would never have occurred to me or my parents to challenge anyone

[RabbitSaysWoof]

He isn't entitled to a gift tho, it's just nice if he gets one. I don't gift people I don't see regularly, I don't buy gifts for my nieces and nephews, but I would for a friends child who I see a lot.
My ds gets a gift some years from my friends, but not others, this makes me think they don't feel obligated to buy which I'm glad of. I think they buy him something when they see something they know he would like, or they have been spending more time with us, so may be thinking of him.
Stop keeping a tally it's a bit gross, stuff doesn't equal love.

[Bambambini]

just stop buying for his kids, some people just aren't into the big gift giving thing - but they should be ok with people treating him and his kids the same way then.

I can see why it rankles though, he has accepted your gifts and gives to another child in the family.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Wow. Am stunned that anyone would ask for presents like that - if I was the relative I would make damn sure I didn't give anything! But then I stopped giving to a relative's child when said (9 yo) child opened the gift and threw it straight on the floor!

[DisappointedOne]

As a child we lived 200+ miles from any family, so cards were how relatives showed they were thinking of us on birthdays. We never missed sending cards to grandparents on Mother's and Father's Day etc. So cards are pretty important to me. (DH has joked that he could buy me a Ferrari and I'd be looking for the card.)

I thought that was how it was for all families. It was for DD up to the age of 2. Once more local children came along DD got forgotten. It hurts me more than her, and it's my issue, but I still find it upsetting that they can't even send a text, never mind a card!

[tevion]

thanks for the replies yes at times I get down about it and it does rankle but hey I will probably give his children very small gifts until they are older

[LunaLoveg00d]

We have a relative in our family who every time it comes to my ds's birthday or Christmas we cant get a present or money out of for my ds my sister tries my own mom has tried and he always fails to give anything.

This is dreadful! People can choose whether to give a gift or not. It is not your place - or you mother or sister's - to ASK!

How VERY rude.

[MattDillonsPants]

OP in the nicest possible way, he is 15 now and this has always gone on so you really shouldn't get "down" about it.

My children have never once had a gift from their Aunt, DHs sister. I've just ignored it and because I have ignored it, my children have never thought it odd. I get things for her son because I want to. I don't expect back.

Your Mum was very rude to say "Well he's here now, give him"

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Up to you whether you give stuff to his DC - gift giving shouldn't be conditional.

How would your DS feel knowing that some people only give him gifts because they are pushed into it?

[greenfolder]

Is it a brother? Mine is and always has been useless in this regard. My dd3 in particular has had far fewer presents from both sides of the family. If I think about it it really really pisses me off. My dh is the youngest child by a far way of his generation and dd3 is the same. When we were in our twenties we spent a lot of time and indeed cash on gifts for our large number of nephews and nieces. They are now in their twenties with parents late 50s and early 60s. Dd3 hasn't had a gift off any of them ever. But of course can't say anything ever .

[TeddTess]

i can see why it is annoying, in that he gives to another child in the family.

stop buying gifts, maybe there are just too many to buy, he doesn't know what to buy, it is a busy time of year, so many (inoffensive) reasons possibly why. gifts aren't compulsory. he clearly isn't bothered so stop reciprocating if it bothers you.

dh has lots of nephews and nieces, i do my best to remember them all but there's always a couple i am late for / maybe even forget due to the timing of their birthdays etc...

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

You 'can't get a present or money out of' him?
Wow.

I expect the parents of the child that does 'get' have proved themselves less rude and demanding.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

We have a much younger child in the family that always gets and its usally something not cheap but then the mother of that child would tell him straight if he didn't give her child.

Hetero Sadly looks like the other child's mother is even more obnoxious!

[charlestonchaplin]

I missed the fact that he is 15! It's a lost cause.