To want to pack up and leave

[Opalfruitskween]

DH has always been a workaholic even when young, free and single so he is out at work 7 days (and nights) a week.
I worked (self employed) around childcare with ds aged 7. Dh and I had decided to have another dc last year, I was very unwell throughout pregnancy and 2nd ds was delivered prematurely by emergency c-section but is thankfully doing well and is now 4 months old.
Our current income is now only dh's and we are not entitled to benefits. DH didn't take time off to visit whilst baby was in NICU as he is also self employed and said that he couldn't afford to lose money ( he popped in with some flowers and then left me in high dependency unit and went about his business as usual) I had a prem baby in nicu and DS7 at school, and was readmitted to hospital twice after discharge for my own illness, dh was out working from 8am to 11pm because in his words "Stuff still needs to get paid". I thought I'm doing the bfing and dealing with the reflux and school runs and dh is out grafting so no help at night or all day but he is working sooo hard so I cant complain.
Anyway... I have since discovered that he didn't pay rent, gas, electric, internet...you name it he didn't pay it.
I have tried to ask him what he has been doing with his earnings (he doesn't drink, gamble or buy flash things to my knowledge. He hasn't got any credit cards or loans that I know of) He is insistent that it is none of my business as I'm not contributing at the moment, and even when I was I earned far less than him. He says that I owe him £14,000 (what he spent on his half of the rent when we lived at a previous property in Greater London. He considers that since we only lived there because I didn't want to live with his parents, I need to reimburse him) and that I am therefore in no position to start questioning him about unpaid rent and bills. He says I've been doing nothing for a year (my last payment came 4 months ago not 12!?) and that I live off him for free.
I feel stupid for not having my own income, but this isn't some guy I barely know. This is my husband and we have been happily bringing up ds7 together, I have been on a maternity break before and it was all ok. The new baby was planned and finances were thought about in advance, dh even sat down with his glasses on, bank statements and a calculator! He was quite methodical and even wanted me to be a sahm for a while. So his new attitude has come from nowhere.
I had savings for day-to-day, ie travel, food, school stuff, dinner money, nappies, but I haven't got the money to clear the unpaid rent or bills. I have been making childcare enquiries and trying to arrange work since I found out so that I can start earning again quicktime and pay back all this money that we now owe.
I feel like leaving dh and going down south to my family (we moved up here for his work) and have told him that. He says that I can't because he wouldnt be able to fit access to dc in as he is working 7 days a week. He is around early in the morning and late at night so it only works if we are all under the same roof. I see his point and I know that he loves dc very much. I just have so many questions and he won't answer any of them. I don't want to break up the family home over money, but this man is driving me crazy!

[RememberToSmile1980]

Hi
I'm sorry that you're going through this - especially with a young baby and your older DS. If your husband won't sit and talk to you and is demanding money which he has never mentioned before then unfortunately something is not right. You are right to question his change in behaviour - you're meant to be a partnership. He should not be treating you like this! Sending you hugs

[MattDillonsPants]

Leave. Pack and go. He is abusing you! Get out of there! WHatever he is up to it is not good and he's lying and demeaning you.

You have EVERY right to go and his troubles with his access are not your concern.

Get out of there.

[Oreganoooo]

How dare he say you are not contributing! You are raising the children whilst he spends every waking moment of hi life at work.

I'm afraid this is not a man who sees you as his equal. He believes his financial contribution is more worthy than your contribution of blood, sweat and tears.

Speak to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he either starts acting like a father and a husband or he can piss of.

Entitled little shit.

[figureofspeech]

Bloody hell this is financial abuse, you need to think very carefully how you handle this as he's likely to hide evidence of financial abuse.

Speak to women's aid www.womensaid.org.uk/

You need to discretely photocopy all available bank statements, don't let him know you are doing this.

Do you have access to the account that the bills are paid from? I'm guessing it's your dh's personal account rather than a joint account.

Move your money into an account that he can't touch.

Speak to the citizens advice bureau and find out if you're liable for any of the unpaid bills.

Could he have debts ( business, gambling or addictions) or could he be supporting another woman/family?
The hours that he's away from the house is a big red flag. What kind of man leaves his wife & child in Nicu after visiting only once because he's busy 'working'. I had a 26 week premature bAby and I know how emotionally draining it is for you, it's relentless and I was there for 5 months. Your husband is abusive and unsupportive and you need to plan a life away from him, you don't owe him any money.

[StealthPolarBear]

What the hell??? As a pp said it sounds like he has a secret family. Has he given any explanation for the money? And why he's now saying you owe him when he wanted you to be a sahm. Oh not to mention you've JUST GIVEN BIRTH.
I am fuming for you.

[StealthPolarBear]

If he decided he'd made a mistake and actually he'd rather share the financial burden he should have spoken to you about it. Not just change the plans without your knowledge and start calculating what you owe.

[StealthPolarBear]

Does he know nicu means intensive care? Is he any kind of father to your children?

[figureofspeech]

Also start copying and gathering all important documents ( insurance policies, share certificates, bonds, bank accounts) and hide it or give it to someone trustworthy (solicitor or your mum etc) for safe keeping.

Gather your important belongings such as kids clothes, birth certificates & passports in a ruck sack (so as not to raise suspicion) in case you need to run in a hurry.

I would also seek legal advice from a good family solicitor, that money has gone somewhere so where has it gone?

[Oreganoooo]

OP- If it were me I'd be trying to establish whether he really is at work until 11pm each night. Could you ring his office and check he is actually there?

for you. It must be very stressful

[RNBrie]

The second family is far more unlikely than there being a serious problem with his business, I suspect he's not earning any money.

If he won't talk about it and explain what's happening, I'd leave. Tell him you're a team and you're willing to do what it takes to recover financially but if he won't tell you what's going on then you have no choice but to move back home where you have proper support.

[Rebecca2014]

What is it about having babies that turns some men into bastards?

Yes it is financial abuse, he is obviously letting the fact he is the sole earner go to his head that now your beneath him. Sure he isn't cheating?

[RidersOnTheStorm]

Pack and leave. Why stay with such a prick?

[TheCrumpettyTree]

How dare he say you owe him money, you are a team and a family. He doesn't value you at all, yes leave. Look up financial abuse.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

It sounds like his business is in trouble but instead of telling you he's taking all the stress of it out on you.
The situation isn't good for any of you.

[MangosteenSoda]

I'd spend any spare money on getting him investigated. It sounds like he is really deceiving you.

He's clearly a bad husband and father with no time for you or your children and no consideration of the day to day slog of keeping a home and raising a family.

There's much more to being a husband and parent than bringing home the money- and he's not even doing that now, is he?

[honeylulu]

It's very worrying that he won't tell you anything. Also that he has now decided you owe him 14k for "his half" of rent paid years ago. Wtf? Did you force him to live there at gunpoint or something?
If you can't get to the bottom of it quickly, then yes, I think you should leave. Let's see what a judge in the divorce court thinks of the so called 14k debt. I reckon he is IN debt himself but won't admit it.
I hope your little one is doing ok now.

[newmumwithquestions]

Without knowing what's going on here my initial thoughts are that something has gone wrong with the business and he's got into money trouble. If he's stressed about it that could explain why he's behaving unreasonably. And he is behaving unreasonably. Very.
YANBU to leave but I think you need to get to the bottom of why he's doing this. He needs to talk to you. Maybe going to your parents would give him the wake up that he'll loose you if he doesn't or maybe it would drive you further apart - but somehow you need to get him to open up about what's going on.
You don't owe him any money btw. Doesn't matter who was the main party in deciding to pay rent rather than live with family - it was a decision you ultimately made as a couple.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

He can't claim that he has to work such long hours because bills need to be paid if he's not paying them. He is only able to work because you are available to look after the children he wanted to have. If he really thinks that has no value, show him what it would cost to employ a full time nanny and cleaner. The £14K debt thing is nonsense and he knows it - you were under no obligation to start married life with the in-laws and h presumably agreed at the time with you renting. If he had said at the time that he would expect you to pay all the rent, you'd probably have walked out then before having children.

[BettyApplewhite]

Run like the fucking wind!!! He is abusive and I suspect another family to be quite honest. You poor thing I can't believe anyone would be so callous as to leave you in hospital with a preemie.

[newmumwithquestions]

Just to add after DC1 was born and I wasn't working I made OH pay almost all his salary into our joint account (previously we both put in just enough to cover mortgage, utility bills etc and kept most to 'ourselves' even though most of that was ultimately spent as a couple). We argued about it as he said I was 'trying to take all his money away' (wtf? he hasn't got much anyway!). I refused to back down - although it took months and several arguments. If you have given up work, even temporarily, to look after your DC then what he is earning is not his money, it's family money.

[witsender]

You need to leave. Take important paperwork, copies of financial documents etc and then go. Put some distance between you before you talk again.

[BlueJug]

This must be dreadful for you, truly terrible.

You have been married for years and this has come from nowhere which suggests he has been trying to put things right without worrying you or telling you. He is likely ashamed. It almost sounds as if he has had a breakdown.

It is hard for you as you are caring for children but you need to talk this through with him calmly and find a way out. If there is no money you might find that you are entitled to benefits. A call to the CAB might help - or one of the debt advice charities.

PP are saying you should run - but the consequences of that are not neccessarily better - especially fr the kids. If you can work it through as a couple there might be a way.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

So you've done nothing for a year and living off him for free? Wtf??

I suggest you bill him for all the childcare he hasn't had to pay for, for the last 7 years, all the cleaning, housework, hours spent doing homework, all the cooking, the time you spent in nicu with his baby, all the school runs, after school clubs, birthday parties etc etc. And he thinks you owe him money? Tell him to get to fuck. How mind bogglingly insulting. The fucking prick.

[goddessoftheharvest]

Pack up and go. Whatever the reason behind it, the things he has said to you are pretty unforgivable.

[smokeybandit]

For him to suddenly change like that, there's a reason and clearly quite a big one. Agree with everyone else, if he won't talk and continues to treat you like this, go. You have family to go to so do that. It may help him sort himself out and you may just find out what the issue is. Either way you will have a roof over your head and help when you need it without worrying about him not paying bills or racking up debts. Seeing as he's out so much you'll have plenty of time to pack. How he sees dc after that is up to him, you need to do what's best for you and dc, he is only doing what's best for HIM.