To have answered mil question about bil honestly

(8 Posts)
cheerfullysleepless Mon 25-Apr-16 19:49:22

Long long story but bare bones. Bil is always lovely to me but have seen him more than once be very verbally aggressive to his gf, shouting, swearing, horribly actually
menacingly patronising etc. Family narrative (not shared by my dh) is that they are both "volatile" and this is the nature of their relationship but I've only ever seen him be like this. Last but one time felt genuinely scared as he is a big guy and seemed really out of control as we were in public and he seemed to have no idea how irrational and unacceptable his behaviour was but even more frighteningly when it stopped he apologised to me (?!) as visiting guest and explained why gf was so difficult which my mil and fil both seemed ready to agree with. I love them and couldn't work out if they were blind to it or scared as I know he has been abusive with them years ago. Anyway. This weekend it happened again and this time his parents saw the build up but not what actually happened. She is now pregnant. My dh spoke to him but bil was too drunk to respond with anything but incoherent ramble. My mil asked me the day after with just me her and fil present if bil had been nasty. I replied that he had been very nasty indeed but (truthfully) as he was so drunk and also seems to lack awareness had no idea if he intended to be so nasty as he was and thougjt he needed someone he respected and would listen to (not my dh) to really talk with him about his behaviour and maybe giving up boozing altogether as seems much calmer and nicer when sober. She started to really cry and then fil changed the subject. I don't want to get involved with their family dynamics not least of all as don't think I myself can change or improve anything but was asked a straight question and if there's a hope in hell they could help him sort himself out don't want to deny him that or worse participate in weird collective pretence that all is ok when it's very far from it. That said, I think mil is now really unhappy and clueless about what to do and so have hurt her which don't want at all. What should I have done or do now?

flanjabelle Mon 25-Apr-16 19:52:14

They asked. You answered. They already knew the answer anyway. Let go of the guilt op, not your circus, not your monkeys. It's up to them what they do with that information.

The one part that I think is your business is when he is acting like this in front of you. Please do not stand by and watch a woman be abused. Call the police, let her know she is not alone.

OurBlanche Mon 25-Apr-16 19:52:59

There is no way they are truly clueless. She will know what her DS is like. ALl you have done is shone a bit of light on him when she was still fumbling with her blindfold.

If, as it seems, your DH thinks his DB is an aggressive twat, you can relax and ignore any future waterworks... you do absolutely nothing now. Nothing.

That ball is not now, and never has been, in your court.

BarbarianMum Mon 25-Apr-16 19:55:44

I think you have done the right thing. The truth is something that has to be faced sooner or later. I don't thin there is anything you can, or should, do now but you shouldn't help cover up his behaviour with lies.

cheerfullysleepless Mon 25-Apr-16 20:01:38

Thanks all - did actually intervene myself during last incident which prevented escalation and speak to his gf about options. It is abuse. You're right. It's so bloody horrible. I also struggle with the fact however drunk he gets he does keep up an act at least with me so it's not really the case he's lost control at all. I think he is a bully and I think it's also true mil knows but wishes he wasn't as has no idea what to do about it.

flanjabelle Mon 25-Apr-16 20:38:43

That's what abusive arseholes do. They try to humiliate the victim by trying to get others on their side and apologise for the victims apparent misbehaviour. It's appalling and I feel desperately sorry for his pregnant girlfriend.

cheerfullysleepless Mon 25-Apr-16 20:48:17

Me too sad

expotition Mon 25-Apr-16 21:02:15

You've been brave. Well done.

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