To need some perspective

(11 Posts)
Cutecat78 Sun 24-Apr-16 16:58:43

On my relationship with my sister.

She is two years older than me and we are very very different.

I work in a caring profession and she works in a more academic role which does not involve people. She's not into clothes or fashion while I probably am.

I have always been more outgoing and "bubbly" and in my teens probably quite needy. We were very close during our teens but she has lived abroad now for many years, married early twenties, they got careers, and had babies early 30s. I had babies early 20s got married, divorced, got a career while bringing up my family alone and am now happy with my partner of 7 yrs. she was very judgemental when I divorced and insisted on keeping neutral and in touch with my ex and his new wife who waged a war against me and tried to get me arrested and sacked and my sister would not hear a word against them.

Thing is I have changed a lot I've the years (early 40s) but the relationship with her is so fractious. She constantly judges, comments, takes the piss, doesn't really take me or my opinions seriously and treats me like I am still a 15 yr old idiot. She makes it clear she gets on better with and prefers the company of her SILS.

She is the only person who I allow to treat me this way and the only person I have really sought approval from. At what point do I give up, accept that she will never allow our relationship to mature and it will never be the relationship I want?

At Christmas they were at my parents so we went too and went a day early but she went into town to meet other friends making it clear we were not invited and everyone always has to stick to her quite inflexible agenda - as if they are much more important than anyone else.

This comes as she plans to spend several weeks in the country but not visit us (this happens often and she will visit friends and family all over) - and I have chosen to turn down my mother's offer of a Sunday lunch at their house and not to move heaven and earth to drive 100 miles each way for the day in order to see my sister and her children.

I feel sad as she is my only sibling but I cannot be myself with her and we end up arguing and I get upset and accused of being "over sensitive".

Does anyone else have a relationship like this and will it ever improve?

Cutecat78 Sun 24-Apr-16 17:40:09

Reading it back I have made her sound quite horrible sad

PointlessFriend Sun 24-Apr-16 17:51:35

She doesn't sound great to be fair. I have a confused relationship with one of my brothers. His wife seems to hate everyone including all her own siblings and her parents and my other siblings and their partners. I try not to take it personally and I've found the best way to deal with it is to try not to care.
I don't go out of my way to see or to avoid my brother but if I see him I'm polite and friendly (and very 'bland' ). I wish it weren't like that as we were close when we were younger but I'm powerless and there is not point trying to improve the relationship.
Have you got nice friends? I've got plenty of friends who would help me if I was in a jam - they are much nicer than my shitty brother.

Cutecat78 Sun 24-Apr-16 17:57:20

Yes - I have loads of friends - I am lucky in that respect.

I guess I see other people have really loving relationships with their siblings and I wish I had that too - rather than over compensating and looking like a fool confused

Cutecat78 Sun 24-Apr-16 23:27:34

I have tried to speak to my mum.

I think I am hurt that in two weeks she can't find the time to visit me.

I dunno am prob just being stupid, UR and a twat.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sun 24-Apr-16 23:37:34

I think you both sound very different and she really doesn't seem to see you as worthy of her attention. Are they only seeing people locally? In which case I can see the logic in them staying put and letting people come to them. If they're visiting all over then it's odd they can't prioritise you.
Tbh I'd test the water with a "Hmm we can't make it up, sorry" and see how things go.

DisappointedOne Sun 24-Apr-16 23:38:07

Have virtually no relationship with my sister at all - she's 2.5 years younger than me and the golden child of the family. We hated each other as teenagers, didn't speak during our early 20s and have a patchy relationship now. My mother worships the ground she walks on, so tells me almost nothing (I live 30 miles away and might see her 10 times a year) while my sister gets daily phonecalls and skypes.

It is what it is to be honest. I don't particularly like her as a person so wouldn't want more contact than we have (probably see each other 2-3 times a year). She's very superficial and materially orientated so I just let her get on with it.

Cutecat78 Sun 24-Apr-16 23:39:00

No - seeing people all over (England)

Have already told my mum am not going.

Kummerspeck Sun 24-Apr-16 23:48:11

I have two brothers. One is close, we speak on the phone regularly and make an effort for each other but the other makes it very clear that he sees his circle of friends as far superior to us and makes no effort at all. It is just something we have to accept as he is not going to change

You can choose your friends but not your family. I think I would tell your parents that you feel your sister does not value you and regrettably think you will have to accept that and move on

Cutecat78 Sun 24-Apr-16 23:53:41

That's weird because I emailed my mum tonight saying basically that.

I think she's upset by her reply (which I did not want) but there is nothing else I can do really.

Creampastry Mon 25-Apr-16 06:35:37

Yanbu

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