To be worried about my future with DH.

(12 Posts)
Anothernight Sat 23-Apr-16 18:50:03

Yesterday 23:16 Anothernight

I don't know what to do, I'm only young and I feel like I've married the wrong man, I do love him and we have 3 small children - 4,3,1.
He is the sole provider for our family, so I understand it may be stressful - but being a mum can be hard too!

He just acts like he hates me, if I ask for something he calls me greedy and ungrateful. He says I have enough nice things (car for example, clothes for the children) and I should count myself lucky as other people don't have 'what I do'.

He doesn't spend any time with me, every night passes out on the sofa and then ignores me for the rest of the evening, I say go up if you're tired and he gets in a mood and says no.

He always tells me to leave when we have a dispute, I just ask if one night a week we could spend some time together - I don't have many friends and he is the only adult conversation I get so I feel lonely and isolated. Then I feel like I'm too young to be married to a man who doesn't seem to care about me.

I'm tired, I feel under so much pressure to keep the house immaculate and tea ready on time. But sometimes the little ones are really really hard work and I feel like I'm burnt out - migraines from worrying about everything being good enough or he'll make digs at me.

If I tell him I'm really worn out he implies that I can't cope, when I can. Unfortunately if I have a hard day I'm not able to tell him.

But then what will I be with no husband, just left on the shelf as damaged goods.

Crispbutty Sat 23-Apr-16 18:55:47

With no husband you would be a single mum with 3 kids, just like plenty of others out there that realize there is more to life than putting up with being treated like this. He would still have to support his children, and it wont be long before they are at school and you can have more time to yourself to find a job, retrain, make friends and build yourself a life that you do enjoy.

I would say the next time he asks you to leave, tell HIM to leave, and see if he does. Or, say "ok", and start making plans. There is a lot of support available out there for you.

And you certainly wouldnt be "left on the shelf". Stop putting yourself down. I have a feeling your husband has made you lack self confidence. It is a form of mental abuse. And by the sounds of it there is a certain amount of financial abuse going on too.

Do you have access to money? If you do, start putting a bit away so that you have some savings in case you do split up. DONT tell him about this though.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sat 23-Apr-16 18:56:37

He's emotionally abusive. You really should leave, you'd be much happier

Nanny0gg Sat 23-Apr-16 19:02:34

I'm only young and I feel like I've married the wrong man,

You have.

I do love him

Why?

Gide Sat 23-Apr-16 19:03:44

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 23-Apr-16 19:05:41

He's the damaged goods if he needs to break a person down like he does you to bolster his own ego.
I'm afraid he doesn't love you, you are there to boost him and no matter what you do it won't be enough because he will move the goal posts.

What will you be if you leave? A mother who shows her kids its OK to stand up for yourself. That you don't have to take someone else treating you badly just to gain a modicum of security, which is an illusion anyway because he tries to find any excuse to remove it from you. You will be stronger than him.

You'll have to deal with him as a co parent but his effects can be limited by having a sim card with a number on it you give him to deal with contact and things to do with the children.
In your own home you will be free to do as you wish, his effect on your children will be limited to his contact times and you can balance it out. You only have to make your children available for contact if he decides to tit around about it that is his look out.

If he keeps you short of money you need for the children:

1. Its financial abuse and he isn't a good husband.
2. Its financial abuse and he isn't a good father.

If you do decide to end the relationship take time out to rebuild yourself so you can redefine what you want out of a partner and a relationship and so you can spot any red flags looming on the horizon and realise that means this is a wrong un and run rather than staying and trying to change everything about yourself.

HeresJohnny Sat 23-Apr-16 19:27:53

I echo everything Crispbutty has said. It doesn't have to be this way and you certainly won't be left on a shelf.

You are more than a wife and a mother - you are also your own person; worthy of love, respect and happiness.

DoreenLethal Sat 23-Apr-16 20:21:24

Why on earth would you want to spend more time with this arsehole?

timelytess Sat 23-Apr-16 20:25:01

He's certainly unpleasant. Sounds like he's fed up with being a husband and father and is taking it out on you.

MunchCrunch01 Sat 23-Apr-16 20:29:29

Damaged goods? The only way you're damaged goods is if you stay with a man that treats you like that, he sounds awful. Having small dc is stressful by calling your partner greedy and you feeling nothing's ever good enough is no life op, is it?

janethegirl2 Sat 23-Apr-16 20:57:57

He sounds like a controlling bastard. Seriously try to find an alternative. Im not sure where you can get support, but I'd ask to get this moved to a more supportive area like relationships.

missbishi Sat 23-Apr-16 21:39:05

My first thought was LTB. It's never that easy though is it? Whilst you are deciding what to do, may I offer one piece of advice? You say you are young and have three kids - PLEASE DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

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