another wedding invite - sorry (but pls read anyway)

(66 Posts)
pimsandlemonade Thu 21-Apr-16 14:39:20

I genuinely don't know what to do here.
I'll try to be brief.

A good friend is getting married in another country me and DH are invited (no kids). We have two kids, one is a baby (still breastfeeding). My parents have agreed to fly to us across Europe to babysit (and also just visit us). DH is struggling to get the time off from work (he usually works weekends) but possibly can do it, won't know for sure until closer.
I would like to go to the wedding BUT
- I would need to stop breastfeeding
- baby is going through a faze when she just cries when I leave the room , i can't imagine myself enjoying the wedding when I know she's at home potentially screaming confused
- cost of flying, driving (would need to rent a car at the other end), parking (need to drive 3h to the airport and pay parking on our side), hotel (2 nights), present adds up to ££££
- i'm terrified of flying (would need lots of booze to cope - which might not be entirely negative smile)

What would you do?
My dad thinks if I don't go i will lose her as a friend...
She was at my wedding and had to fly infor that (easier trip then, and no kids but still), she was a bridesmaid too.

Before anyone suggests we take kids and my parents along and they babysit there - it's too late, they have their tickets and also it would be even more expensive and my mum refused to look after the kids at a hotel.

Help?

LeaLeander Thu 21-Apr-16 14:41:32

I would just decline. It's only a wedding. Why jump through all those hoops?

If she drops the friendship over this she wasn't much of a friend to begin with. Surely she can see that circumstances have changed and you aren't as free to travel as she was when she came to your event.

IceMaiden73 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:43:45

I personally think while it is OK to exclude children from weddings, breastfed babies is a different kettle of fish !

I personally wouldn't go

HirplesWithHaggis Thu 21-Apr-16 14:44:26

I'd decline, too. Weaning your baby off the breast is a pretty big decision, and not one to be made for the sake of a weekend away, leaving aside all the other issues.

FlyingElbows Thu 21-Apr-16 14:45:38

I think (in the nicest way possible) that if you really wanted to go you wouldn't be asking this. I wouldn't go. Add up how much it's going to cost all in and for me that would be reason enough on its own. Unless ofcourse you are very wealthy and spending thousands of pounds to go to a wedding isn't an issue.

AmusingMinnie Thu 21-Apr-16 14:45:38

I'd decline. It's a hell of a lot of putting yourself out for someone else's wedding. And if they truly would fall out with you for not going they aren't really your friends to begin with.

superwormissuperstrong Thu 21-Apr-16 14:46:47

Agreed that if she will drop you as a friend for not going then the truth is that she isn't a friend.
I would decline...

lilydaisyrose Thu 21-Apr-16 14:46:53

There's absolutely no way I would make the decision to stop breastfeeding based on a friend's wedding, no matter how close or what her role was in my wedding.

I wouldn't be worried abiut losing the friendship (I think she should have considered your circumstances before inviting you to a wedding abroad without kids) although would be worried that your mum and dad will have wasted money on their travel to you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:47:11

Most of your reasons wouldn't stop me from going. Only the breastfeeding one possibly, and that has to be your call to make.

OhPuddleducks Thu 21-Apr-16 14:50:08

I'd decline. I declined a wedding a couple of years ago because my breastfed baby wasn't invited and when the bride was weird about it was worried I had inadvertently ruined the friendship. I didn't. Things were a bit odd for a bit and then (when she fell pregnant!) it was suddenly back to normal. Real friendships should survive these sorts of things.

Pseudo341 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:51:28

I wouldn't go. If she throws a strop over you not wanting to ruin your breastfeeding relationship with your young baby she's not much of a friend. Even without a BF baby I don't understand how anyone could assume you could just leave your two young children for 2 nights. I know some people can, but it's just not possible for a lot of people.

MissBattleaxe Thu 21-Apr-16 14:51:29

My dad thinks if I don't go i will lose her as a friend

If you will lose her as a friend for not going to her overseas wedding and organising global babysitting and weaning your baby off the breast just to attend, then she's not a good friend to have.

Just say you're gutted not to be able to come as you have two small children and one is still breastfeeding. If the friendship ends over that, it wasn't worth having.

i just don't get why people would jump through so many hoops to attend a wedding. It's not some sort of "how much do you love me?" quest.

It's OK not to be able to go, especially since you have a family now.

rumbleinthrjungle Thu 21-Apr-16 14:52:30

... anyone who would expect a mother to stop breastfeeding and go to all this trouble just to get to their wedding, and will cut the friendship if this isn't done- is frankly not much of a loss as a friend. In your friend's position I'd be overcome with affection that you were even giving serious thought to it, apologising profusely to you knowing it was a nightmare for you to consider, and offering any help I could.

pimsandlemonade Thu 21-Apr-16 14:55:02

Thank you!
I wasn't expecting quite as many replies to say decline.

Breastfed baby is going to be well over 6 months by the time of wedding and i have been considering to stop soon (but thinking about it is one thing).

We are certainly not wealthy, could manage the cost but could very well use the money elsewhere. DH thinks it's too expensive to go and he's right I suppose but he would go if I really wanted to

Also another friend from our "group " is getting married later this year and if i go to one but not the other, well actually the other way round: if i go to the latter but not the first one it might upset her ...

Noodledoodledoo Thu 21-Apr-16 14:56:54

How old will breastfed baby be at the time of the wedding? Could you ask if they could come with you?

I am in a similar position for a wedding later in the year - not abroad but miles from where everyone lives! (B&G inc), wedding not in a hotel, and we will have a potentially 3-6 week old baby.

I managed to breastfeed my first and aiming to do the same again this time. If it was in a hotel baby could be with DH in the room for some of the time but not an option. We are declining.

Floggingmolly Thu 21-Apr-16 14:59:37

Don't go!! You'd seriously consider stopping breastfeeding and flying your parents across Europe just to attend this wedding? confused
Your Dad needs to wind his neck in, too...

MissBattleaxe Thu 21-Apr-16 15:00:54

Also another friend from our "group " is getting married later this year and if i go to one but not the other, well actually the other way round: if i go to the latter but not the first one it might upset her

Stop worrying about upsetting her! She's not worried about upsetting you! You can go ot soemone else's wedding if it easier or you can take the children.

It is OK to say NO to a wedding!

pimsandlemonade Thu 21-Apr-16 15:03:56

One last thing!
That I probably should have said before.

She thinks I'm going, i have pretty much said i was going, when I promised to go our circumstances were different- we lived a bit closer (still a flight, but shorter, faster, cheaper) we also originally planned for my parents to come there and babysit at the hotel (my mum initially was ok with that) and then we were going to have a short break in that country with my parents etc
Things changed for us and now when I speak to my friend I find it hard to explain the difficulty and i have carried on as if im going (and i did believe that myself), but when it comes to booking the flights i just can't bring myself to do it.
Also she thinks breastfeeding should be over by 6 months anyway so she wouldn't understand that as a reason I think

MissTurnstiles Thu 21-Apr-16 15:15:03

I pretty much promised to attend a friend's wedding abroad, but when the time came to accept the invitation our circumstances had changed and we couldn't go. Friend was furious and fired off a fairly nasty message. I wrote back, apologising for upsetting her, but reiterating the reasons why we couldn't come. She backed down and apologised but if I'm honest I don't think our friendship will ever be quite the same again.

My mistake was to email her when I declined. I should have done her the courtesy of a proper letter - when I subsequently sent one to apologise it mollified her and she said that she appreciated the effort I had gone to.

In your position, I wouldn't go - and what gives your Dad such miraculous insight on your friendship, anyway?!

Goingtobeawesome Thu 21-Apr-16 15:17:29

Not going is fine. Where you are out of order is letting her think you are going now you know you probably aren't.

ExConstance Thu 21-Apr-16 15:21:43

If you decline do labour the point that you very much wanted to go but couldn't find a way you could manage it and be sure to arrange to meet up at a later date. You won't loose the friendship provided you genuinely make the effort to catch up afterwards.

bagpusss Thu 21-Apr-16 15:22:13

Tell her that you'll need to bring your baby with you, and that you won't be able to come otherwise. See where her priorities lie. Be ready to explain about small babies needing to be near mum & dad. She ought to be able to make an exception - you'll not be bringing a horde of noisy toddlers to disrupt things, just a baby.

VoldysGoneMouldy Thu 21-Apr-16 15:22:17

No way I'd be making the decision to stop breastfeeding just because of a wedding. And even if you were planning on stopping around then, it gives you extra pressure to work with rather than just what is right for you.

Seems like a lot of faff for one day.

If you don't go, and you do lose her as a friend, you can do better friend wise.

pimsandlemonade Thu 21-Apr-16 15:26:36

MissTurnstiles
This is what I'm worried will happen

Bagpuss
Unfortunately I couldn't just bring the baby, our three year old is already struggling with a little sibling and having some trouble with not being the only one, so leaving him behind isnot an option

morechocolates Thu 21-Apr-16 15:28:19

I really, really wouldn't go, breastfeed for as long as you want, her view on how long you should bf for is completely irrelevant. Explain in an email if you think you can't get the words out. It isn't reasonable to expect guests to attend an overseas wedding a) due to expense and b) if they have to leave small children at home. Your circumstances have changed, that's absolutely fine. And no-one knows how they will feel about bf unless they are in the middle of it.

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