War of attrition

[uhoh1973]

Long story but DH does not work (retired sick due to accident at work). I have been self employed but currently cannot find work. 2 small children.

We constantly go around in circles on 2 things ; money and distribution of labour. DH is a spender, I am a saver. We have a joint account. I feel like we spend alot of money on cars, the house and house projects etc. However now I have no job we have cut back on holidays. We have not been on holiday for more than a year now and I feel I am pining for some exposure to the sun. I like holidays ;-)

The other point of grief (and I am sure this is a common one) is distribution of labour. DH cannot work so spends his time at home pottering around doing various projects. This leaves me to be in charge of the children etc. He does do the school run every other day(asking every day what time the school opens and whether they go today despite everything being written on a whiteboard...??) and makes tea. If the kids need looking after I need to do it... Yesterday we were out all day, he had wine at lunch so I drove home, then he sits for 2 hours in another room on the internet whilst I unpack, give the kids tea, clean shoes, tidy up, bath them and put them to bed. He barely bats an eyelid and I got the hump because he didnt even acknowledge it. Is this the best I can hope for in the 21st century??

I am just sick of it. I don't like to moan to my parents about it and I am sure my friends are bored of hearing about it. I have tried discussing it with him but he already thinks he does 'loads' and I am just moaning. If we argue he starts shouting straight away and tells me to 'fuck off'. I hate it.

Any tips other than 'move out'?

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

I don't think I'd be too happy either with your division of labour! I'm on maternity (with no pay) and my dp certainly pulls his weight even though he works full time. Is there any way you can find a time to talk about things when it won't descend into an argument? When you're both tired isn't ideal. But you definitely need some adjustment to who does what and when. Sitting on the Internet while you sorted the kids would be like a red flag to me, I'd be furious! Is there any reason he can't physically help out more due to his accident?

[CoraPirbright]

How old are your children? I just ask because of the idea that he has to ask if they are going to school that day. Surely it's Mon-Fri? Just like when he was at school?!! It's just a symptom- he is totally disengaged from family life, isn't he? Sometimes my dh asks what time the kids tea is. It's been 5.30/6 for about the last decade!! Just makes me feel so bloody lonely.

Don't know what to suggest really - poss making a list of all you do in a week and asking him to do the same? Then the inequality will be glaringly obvious! However I don't know how that is going to work if he tells you to eff off. That's seriously nasty. Umm counselling?

[uhoh1973]

Disengaged is how I see it. He sometimes sits in the same room as us on the internet but does not interact with us (at all). I find it sooo frustrating.
He has a head injury so struggles with memory, gets stressed easily etc. I just don't think I have the right attitude to be the stepford wife type and go about making him cups of coffee. I had hoped for a more equal deal.
For entertainment whilst I cant find work I am studying. So I am no doing nothing.

Its just the hoplessness and lack of interest / enthusiasm. Once a week I go to a sports club and he puts the kids to bed. Every week he says - where are you going? Do I have to put the kids to bed? when will you be back etc?? I know he has a headinjury but that is why we have a whiteboard. WTF its like every day is the first time?

I have thought about going to counselling on my own before to offload but it seems an expensive option?

[JsOtherHalf]

Have you ever had any contact with www.headway.org.uk/ ?

[uhoh1973]

Yes! Headway are very good! But the NHs psychologist was useless and when we did see her (after about 2 years!) she told me he was doing great! ;-)

[JsOtherHalf]

:(

I suspect compared to most people she sees, he is doing great. However, it is probably easy to forget how damaged his brain is when you live with him. It must seem like having another child in the home, rather than a supportive partner/parent?

[uhoh1973]

Yes, I don't feel like his wife, I feel like his mother. Other people don't see it (because its not physical and there's not a bandage on his head) but just leaving the house is a trauma as he always has to go back and check / look for stuff. Its just exhausting. He has a very fragile temper so there is a lot of shouting which I find exhausting. He recognises he has these problems but it doesnt make any difference, it still is what it is.

[uhoh1973]

He also has very high standards so anything you do is not quite right / fast enough / good enough so its hard to get the enthusiasm up to keep going. He's great company when other people are around but when they are gone he is tired and just retreats back into his shell.