Feel accused, how would you respond to this?!

(112 Posts)
moochy11 Sun 17-Apr-16 04:09:10

I feel livid but also really hurt after getting a facebook message from a "friend" today saying that my 6 year old daughter upset her daughter at school yesterday, that when she got home she started sobbing saying my dd said she didn't want to play with her anymore. She accused me of encouraging dd to play with new friends this year (last year in Reception they were good friends but it was always very volatile and more intense from the other little girl who often didn't let my dd play with anyone else). Then she went on to say "this is not how you should be dealing with our children's friendship and you should be teaching your little girl better" 😳

So I felt livid that she was sending me this angry accusing rant about something that sounded like a normal playground spat with 6 year old girls saying "you're not my friend anymore" "I don't want to play with you" plus she accused me of encouraging my daughter to say these things and that I should be "teaching her better". What is also upsetting is that I thought we were friends, not close but we've had play dates for the kids, mums nights out and have mutual friends.

My dd swore that the only reason she said she didn't want to play with the other little girl yesterday was because at break she kept on asking her to come away from another friend she was playing a game with, then shouting at her to play with her and trying to pull her away, she said she then got cross and pushed dd for not coming, so she then said something like "leave me alone I don't want to play with you anymore".

I do believe dd's account, the other little girl is prone to getting cross and physical about things with other children and been in trouble for it before.

My husband thinks I should ignore her message completely because I'm going into hospital next week for a chronic illness monitoring and honestly I don't have the energy for this aggro. But if I ignore it I feel it confirms her thoughts about me being a crappy parent, like I couldn't care less. I also don't want to get into a slanging match. As it happened at school should I have a word with dd's teacher that there is a bit of upset between them? Or message the other mum and resist an angry rant back, to say sorry dd upset your dd, sounds like a misunderstanding / spat that girls have at this age and they usually bounce back to being friends again soon after, I've had a word with dd shall we leave them to sort these things out themselves. What would you say??

timemaychangeme Sun 17-Apr-16 04:37:47

And a great way of dealing with it was via Facebook?! She sounds a complete idiot. You are right that all this is typical primary school playground stuff. And sending angry rants via social media is pathetic and equally childish. I honestly don't think she is worth engaging with and certainly not on Facebook. I don't think you should worry about what she thinks about you. She isn't worth your time or energy, especially at the moment with a hospital admission coming up. I hope other people will have some good ideas about dealing with this but my immediate reaction was that she sounds too childish to get into a while thing with.

timemaychangeme Sun 17-Apr-16 04:38:37

Whole thing not while thing

Sadmother Sun 17-Apr-16 04:58:10

Nah, she is ridiculous. Don't pay it any mind. Ignore, ignore, ignore. You believe your girl, she believes hers. You can't get her to change her mind, she is currently behaving irrationally, don't sink to her level.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 17-Apr-16 05:00:59

Christ. We have 10 more years of this?

My point is that if you engage with every Fruit Loop who wants to control your child's behaviour through you, you will be exhausted very soon. I absolutely wouldn't say sorry that "dd upset your dd". I might say, "sorry your DD is sad, sounds rough. I'm just happy for DD to play with friends she chooses to play with at school. Changes all the time at this age [passive aggressive smiley]". I find light and fluffy and engaging as little as possible is best.

And, because my DD is having similar problems, remembering that your child's welfare is paramount. I frankly don't give a fuck about other parents' feeling. I do care if DD is cruel, mean to her friend with disabilities because he gets picked on and I won't have her join in, or generally nasty. Other than that, Lord of the Flies rules.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Sun 17-Apr-16 05:03:38

Ignore it or write back

'XXXX I'm actually not very well at the moment so not intrested in play ground politics'

SabineUndine Sun 17-Apr-16 05:22:55

Ciggarette you're exactly right. It sounds to me as if mother and her DD have similar problems. Let them get on with it.

Ickythumpsmum Sun 17-Apr-16 05:23:43

I'd be tempted to answer 'please communicate through the class teacher if you have any concerns. My DD has a different version of events and it's pointless us having a disagreement about this when the girls will probably be over it long before we will.'

The class teacher will think she is a nutter if she does approach her.

Tram10 Sun 17-Apr-16 05:24:51

I would text back and say

"spoke with DD, she has a different version of events, don't think we should get into these playground antics, unless we are there to witness exactly what happened, have a good day !"

charlestonchaplin Sun 17-Apr-16 05:27:02

If you want to calm the troubled waters, this is a good way to go about it:

Or message the other mum and resist an angry rant back, to say sorry dd upset your dd, sounds like a misunderstanding / spat that girls have at this age and they usually bounce back to being friends again soon after, I've had a word with dd shall we leave them to sort these things out themselves

Other approaches, whilst valid, will likely inflame the situation, so consider what outcome you want.

Tram10 Sun 17-Apr-16 05:37:16

I would NOT apologise on behalf of your daughter at all.

I might be tempted to text and quote her comment "this is not how you should be dealing with our children's friendship and you should be teaching your little girl better"

Exactly what do you mean by this ???

Throw it back in her court.

FreeProteinFromTheSky Sun 17-Apr-16 05:41:34

I would text 'Ummm...you know they are six, right?'

louisejxxx Sun 17-Apr-16 06:04:55

Say this:

I am sorry that your little girl (and quite obviously you) are upset. I would appreciate it if you could raise your concerns with the teacher in future as most people would in this situation, which is totally normal for 6yr olds by the way, and certainly not worthy of questioning my parenting. I am going in to hospital on Monday for an extended stay and do not have time to deal with unnecessary drama.

Narp Sun 17-Apr-16 06:24:13

OP

The other mother is being ridiculous for dealing with this this way. Possibly she may never see it - or maybe only much later, or when she has another child the same age.

The fact is, neither of you knows who is in the 'right', or what happened

I like * louisejxxx's* response

Narp Sun 17-Apr-16 06:24:52

Ickythum's response is good too

MartinaJ Sun 17-Apr-16 06:34:50

Yes, I would like to protect my DD from all the pain, problems and spats.
No, I would rather chop my left arm off that get involved in playground politics, let alone contact the parents?!?!?! That's asinine.
I would simply post that you firmly believe in teaching your child to sort out these issues on her own rather than getting parents involved. That mother is a nutcase.

RaeSkywalker Sun 17-Apr-16 06:37:07

To be honest I think I'd ignore and discuss with the teacher ASAP. Schools often have to deal with Facebook spats between parents, and I don't think you should say anything that might look 'bad' if it was read in another context. If I had to reply, I'd say something like:

"Hi x, thank you for your message. I would suggest that incidents like this are discussed direct with the school in future if you have any concerns".

The danger with this is that she could report every little thing!

RidersOnTheStorm Sun 17-Apr-16 06:37:58

Certainly don't apologise for your DD's behaviour which was totally justified. Reply saying DD has a different version of events and is allowed to play with whoever she likes and not be ordered around by her DD and told who she can and cannot play with.

Isetan Sun 17-Apr-16 06:56:54

I think you should reply because I think you will regret not having your say but you do not want to get drawn into any tit for tat drama. Something like.... I will continue to encourage my daughter to be polite and considerate but she is entitled to stand up to children who don't respect her boundaries and to resist being pressured into exclusive friendships.

While I totally understand the reflex to protect your child from distress, it however, does not entitle you to question my parenting skills and doing so via Facebook, frankly suggests a lack of judgement. In future, I suggest if you have any concerns about your daughter's emotional wellbeing, then the most productive way of supporting her is to contact her teacher in person, who will in a better position to support you and your daughter with any difficulties she may be encountering.

If she replies with anything other than an apology, simply ignore her.

Good luck with your tests.

leelu66 Sun 17-Apr-16 07:25:15

louisejxxx

I am sorry that your little girl (and quite obviously you) are upset. I would appreciate it if you could raise your concerns with the teacher in future as most people would in this situation, which is totally normal for 6yr olds by the way, and certainly not worthy of questioning my parenting. I am going in to hospital on Monday for an extended stay and do not have time to deal with unnecessary drama.

I would go with the above response.

OP, please don't say 'sorry my DD upset your DD'. That will put the blame on your DD and will just encourage the other mum to behave like this again.

Hope all goes well at the hospital flowers

QuiteLikely5 Sun 17-Apr-16 07:30:45

Isetan your response was brilliant!

Birdsgottafly Sun 17-Apr-16 07:35:19

Unless you explain your DDs version of events, things won't change.

She needs to be having a chat to her DD about respecting that the other child, may want to play in a group.

This is common at this age. The sarky remarks and 'see the teacher' answers are not of any use, whatsoever.

One laid out message, no bigger than what you've posted here, then leaving it st that, should do it.

Don't say sorry in it, at all.

I would be having a word with the teacher, the pushing shouldn't be continuing at this age.

This girl is going to be one frightful eight year old, unless it's nipped in the bud now.

Dellarobia Sun 17-Apr-16 07:39:38

This is exactly why, when people come on here to say "my DD is having problems at school, should I text the other girl's mum?" the answer should always be NO - approach the teacher and handle it that way.

OP, the woman sounds like a loon but if you reply remember she has only heard her DD's version and she is just a parent feeling upset and protective on behalf of her DD.

veryproudvolleyballmum Sun 17-Apr-16 07:47:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinAndColonic Sun 17-Apr-16 08:02:54

"Hi Name, sorry your little girl has been upset. I'm going into hospital next week so I don't have the time to devote to playground troubles. If you're unhappy speak to Teacher and we can work with the school on a strategy."

I'd personally rather send her something so it wouldn't sit on my conscience that I need to reply but I'd be making it clear that I don't give a shit who's friends with who because I'M NOT FUCKING 6 YEARS OLD

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now