I am BU but how do I stop?(27 Posts)
My dh has announced that he is being sent away to a conference for a week by work. It's abroad and happens to be somewhere I have always wanted to visit. We have two DDs 1 and 7 so I will obviously not be going. Although as it's a work thing I'm not sure I would anyway.
I really, really want to be supportive. He works long hours and it sounds quite stressy most of the time. I work 3 days and do the most of the childcare alone. The littlest one still wakes a lot at night and doesn't really nap. This in itself is wearing me down a lot after 18 months of it. She is generally quite hard work! I BF so oh doesn't really do the night-shift unless she's fed and just needs settling. I try not to get him up unless I'm really struggling.
Anyway when he announced this trip out of the blue I just felt cross and resentful and didn't really hide it. I am just so tired all of the time and there's no one to help with the childcare so it's a bit relentless. The commute to work is my 'me-time'. It also reminds me that this kind of opportunity to escape for a bit will never happen for me. We've just moved house so no opportunity even for a holiday. 'Everyone else' I know seems to be doing lovely exciting things. I know I'm being unreasonable and feeling sorry for myself. How do I change my rotten attitude?
By consoling yourself with the fact he will bring you back an excellent present.
Seriously though, it's understandable that you feel a bit resentful. Apologising to your DH might actually make you feel better because you probably feel slightly bad for not hiding your resentment.
Is your youngest 18m? Have you considered night-weaning? I breastfed DS2 till nearly 4, but night weaned at about 16m because of the lack of sleep. It took about a month (too wimpy to do controlled crying), but was really worth it. A decent night's sleep makes everything else so much easier to deal with.
I do think an apology is in order Paul. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep a lid on the negativity in the period before he goes and whilst he's there. That would render the apology worthless. I'm horrible!
DD is 18m. I have definitely considered night-weaning but have been too much of a wuss to do it. Also worried about stressing her out. How did you do it Cornflake? I couldn't bring myself to do CC or CIO. I've enjoyed breastfeeding her on the whole especially as it didn't work out with DD1 but I'm a bit over it now with the night waking and would quite like my body back again.
I'm sure if you talk to him and explain how you'll feel, that he will understand.
As for night weaning, Google Dr Jay Gordon. I took bits of his advice and night weaned ds when he was 2. He was 100% using me just for comfort!
Your DP is going there to work. TBH, it'll probably be a bit shit to be in that location but be working & therefore unable to enjoy it... A bit "here's what you could've won".
It's not as if he's beggaring off for a holiday without you...
Yabu because he's there to work and even though there will be socializing, he's not going off on a holiday.
The OP knows and acknowledges that PPie, it's in the title She asked for advice on how to stop BU.
OP, I totally get your frustration but as others have said, he probably won't get much time to enjoy the time away. Just think of the gift he might bring you (and maybe drop some huge hints about this!)
I get it! Infact I think you may have commented on my own thread earlier. Tell him that you feel a bit crap. That's what I've decided to do. In my experience, men can be rubbish at realising when their partners are struggling. Telling him how you feel might make you feel better. Problem shared is a problem halved and all that
I'll admit, I'd feel like you do even though it's not your dh's fault but really, what can you do but suck it up?!
If you were annoyed with your husband I'd say YABU, but it sounds to me like you're annoyed with the situation (which is totally understandable) rather than your husband and aren't blaming him at all, so YANBU. Have you got any family close by that can help out? If my sister was in your situation I'd jump at the chance to come round and have some time with my DNs!
You sound lovely OP. I think this maybe is a sign that you should, as suggested, implement night weaning, controlled crying or some other technique to help your baby sleep through the night. You are a mother for the long haul and too much perfectionism is not good when it is making you unhappy.
Maybe you could also start saving for a future visit to this place of your dreams.
Conferences are usually really really dull and you have to make small talk with people you don't like.
As far as apologising goes I would acknowledge that you probably seemed a bit off about it and explain why, that you feel a bit tied and resentful but that you realise it isn't his fault. I think your feelings are understandable so he should understand if they flare up again in the run up to him going, you just need to be clear it's the situation you feel resentful towards, not him. Hopefully he will see that you need cheering up and try and do something nice for you before or after to sweeten the pill.
In your position I would feel the same. It can get a bit rubbish to have to devote all you time, your money (your boobs) to other people, not surprised that you feel a bit hard done by AT ALL. No kids here so can't offer any help there however I do love to travel but my partner isn't so keen, I am the primary wage earner and our house needs a new roof and windows so no adventures for a long while.
The key thing for me though is the 'for a while' part and those days will be back, I will bloody make sure they do. Every £2 coin I get goes in my jar and it is very pleasing to pick it up sometimes and feel that it's getting quite heavy.
I can sympathise with you op. My DH works abroad a lot, and has been to some amazing places, and occasionally gets a bit of free time, but only very occasionally. Just recently he has been to a beautiful city I would love to visit again (went once, when we stayed in a hostel) and he has been in 5 star hotels and lovely venues. But he is now so sick of the place that I know he will not want to return, even if it is a romantic break for us! I am a bit pissed off, but when I FaceTime him at night (he is STILL working over there, won't be back until next week) and I see how tired and stressed he is, I can understand why. It is work so it won't be the same as if you were visiting for a break. Talk about it with Dh, apologise, look at the weaning suggestions....and console yourself with something lovely from duty free!! 🍷💐
Is there any way of you to get a break for a few days while he's back? I know he's there for work but it means you're home doing everything for a week solid.
Could he tack some annual leave on the end of his conference, and take over with the children so you can have a few days peace in a hotel/with a friend/parents if money allows?
I would feel the same as you, tbh. I think if you're stuck doing all the grunt work it's hard NOT to feel resentful when your OH is away getting out of it.
OP, big hugs and all my empathy. My husband is in the forces and this is the story of my life! You want to be really supportive and be the devoted wife, plaster on that smile that says 'it's all for the good of the family' (and in my case 'I knew what I married') when on the inside you just want to punch his teeth out for his 'holiday' which will, no matter how hard he is working, involve more sleep than you're going to get!! Ha! If you're horrible, I'm super horrible, because I think all those things about a man who goes off to defend his country (he's currently deployed. A-fucking-gain!!) The only way, I've found, is to be totally honest. Tell your husband how you're feeling, that you know it's totally unreasonable and you know it is but that you still need a bit of understanding. I tend to make a joke out of it but my husband is brilliant and always makes an effort to acknowledge all I do for the kids and home while he's away. Can you book something lovely for when he's back? Dinner or filthy night away? Or both?
You're not horrible, you're tired and you love your husband. Give yourself a break xx
So sorry for how you are felling chicken and can totally empathise as my DH used to be in a very similar situation - bless him - on a very regular basis.
About 20 years ago I used to have a very high flying and what many considered to be a very glamorous, well paid career in the travel industry. I had to fly all over the world for business to some very highly desired locations. We only had the one DC - a little girl with SLD! DH was her main carer and he reduced to working part time whilst I became the main earner. Believe me when I say it was shit!
Working in exotic locations is pretty crap for the majority of the time.
I know the location is somewhere you have always wanted to visit but I am being really honest here and I promise you it is NOTHING like being on holiday with your loved ones. He will probably see very little of the actual location - more the inside of a clinical hotel and conference room with crap conference food!
I am retired now and get more excited about going on a mini break in the UK with DH than I ever did flying to Mauritius, Kuala Lumpur, Miami etc etc for work.
but I did go to Maui too of course
Agree re the night weaning. The sooner you tackle that the sooner you get more sleep.
Why don't you be honest with him? Tell him you are feeling a little jealous and you don't mean to be crabby but you are, so there you have it!
Its ok to feel like you do, but not ok to make him feel crap over something he can't help.
I think you should be honest with him. Tell him you're feeling a bit jealous, but also that you feel a bit resentful and sad about the impact having children has had on your career. And that perhaps a discussion needs to take place to even things up a bit.
This could start with night weaning. Both of mine needed DH to do night wake ups for a bit. They responded much better to him - if i was near they just wanted my milk.
I agree that you should be honest with him and say that you know you are being unreasonable but that you are just in need of some kind of break. My DS didn't sleep through for a long time and I also bf so dealt with pretty much all night wakings. It was hard work and I did sometimes resent DH who gets to go on business trips where he flies business class and stays in posh hotels. From his perspective he would rather have been home with us!
I tried to look at it as just a phase and in the year or so between finishing feeding DS and getting pregnant again I had a couple of nights away alone at a spa hotel which were amazing and invigorating. Could you agree that when the time comes that you're able to leave DD2 overnight that you can have some time away to yourself? I'm already mentally bracing myself for the sleepless nights and hard work that DC2 will bring, but knowing that I will be able to get away by myself at some point in the future, even if it's over a year away, is reassuring!
Thank you everyone for your lovely responses they've given me a much-needed lift.
I will talk to oh just so he understands I'm not cross with him. Work is work wherever you are I guess. He has the pressure of our new bigger mortgage to deal with. I will also psyche myself up for night-weaning (God help us!).
I'm always so in awe of other parents who casually mention that their dp is away with work without a hint of resentment or inconvenience. Or that they do all night-wakings alone and wouldn't dream of getting dp to help out. There's me throwing a mini diva strop about it.
All respect to those with partners in the forces. I couldn't do it.
Is DC2 on the way Superking? Congratulations! My oh gave a sort of I owe you spa treatment type gift for Mother's Day the year I was pregnant with DD2 (2 years ago). I haven't yet been able to take it for various reasons but I'm still hoping to at some point...
M00nunit we don't have anyone for reliable childcare now due to ill-health unfortunately.
Def get on the Jay Gordon site. Man is a genius X
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