Dd extremely sad Uncle now doesn't see her

(19 Posts)
Needfinsnow Thu 14-Apr-16 21:53:15

So...I'm a single mother, the father has been a twunk and never met dd. So my bro has been the most reliable male figure in her life, she adores him and the feeling was mutual. However, my bro has just started dating a new girl (less than 3 months ago) and spends ALL his time with her and has seen my dd twice in said time, he's taken new gf to the places he promised my dd he would take her (and sends me the photos to show her...which I don't). He lives with my parents next door to my dd and I so she sees his car parked there and knows he is home. How do I explain to my dd why he's no longer around? He's never done a massive amount with her, taken her out maybe 3 times in all, but was always coming around to chat to her and used to see her everyday, she's devastated and cried herself to sleep tonight as I was cuddling her, as he promised he would come and see her...but gf clicked her fingers so he didn't. What do I do? AIBU to be so upset for her? I know he needs his own relationships etc..but why promise a little girl something so small and not do it! How do I get him to stop promising things he won't do / readjust her wants?

NeedACleverNN Thu 14-Apr-16 22:10:39

Did your SIL also want to plan a wedding for your birthday grin?

Sorry..

Unfortunatly you need to talk to your Dd and explain that as a grown up he has to do his own things. Obviously not in those words

Needfinsnow Thu 14-Apr-16 22:27:35

Nope that's not me! I do know the thread you mean though!

I know she needs to "get" that, and I do explain and I do think she understands..I just wish he wouldn't promise her things that he won't do. that's what makes it tricky, as I've tried to teach her that one must honour their promises and trust those we love. Now she just thinks he doesn't love her as he won't keep promises.

NeedACleverNN Thu 14-Apr-16 22:29:51

You need to talk to your db too.

Don't mention his Gf or anything like that. Just point blank say can you stop promising to take Dd to xxxx as she is getting quite upset when you have to cancel

Needfinsnow Thu 14-Apr-16 22:33:10

That's what I thought, the gf is rather sweet and I look after her dogs and younger sister a lot so we do get on and I wouldn't mention it in relation to her. Just the tears from my dd tonight's were heartbreaking. I just needed a you are not being unreasonable to mention it to my bro..I'm happy he is happy, but the withheld promises do need to stop!

Sunnybitch Thu 14-Apr-16 22:34:12

Call him out on it and tell him to keep his trap shut if he can't follow through with his promises and if he does it again HE will be the one to explain to her why he has broken his promise NOT YOU!

Bless her sad

Needfinsnow Thu 14-Apr-16 22:47:42

Thank you Sunny! My family is rather weird and the males can do whatever they like and us females (mum, me and dd) have to accommodate them and clean up / cook / wash around them. I tried talking to my mum and she went ballistic at the thought I might mention it to my bro and make him feel bad.

JockTamsonsBairns Thu 14-Apr-16 22:56:44

Your DB def shouldn't be promising stuff to your dd then failing to deliver. Poor wee thing. How old is she?

Needfinsnow Thu 14-Apr-16 23:00:17

She's just turned 5. But a very needy 5 as its just her and I. My parents only will babysit when I work and that's under clear sufferance (which she picks up on), db used to make her feel special and wanted and with it just being me doing that now she's a bit lost, and I have to say she's getting angry which she's never been before!

HeddaGarbled Thu 14-Apr-16 23:43:52

He's in the first flush of this relationship and that can be full on and all consuming. I think you should cut him some slack.

I think your comment about gf clicking her fingers is unkind and unfair.

You daughter will not be upset about missing out on trips out with an uncle who has only taken her out 3 times in 5 years.

She may be missing him calling round. You need to downplay this. Tell her he is busy then quickly move on to something fun to distract her.

My suspicion is that you are pissed off and jealous, are blaming the girlfriend and are exaggerating how upset your daughter is to justify your own feelings.

Don't get into a war with your brother's new girlfriend. Try and be a bit more understanding. If this relationship lasts, it would be so much easier and nicer to be on good terms with her. One day, she could be an excellent and loving auntie to your daughter.

EatShitDerek Thu 14-Apr-16 23:49:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needfinsnow Fri 15-Apr-16 00:11:27

I know I'm being over sensitive, he's awesome and she has already complained about him picking her up in his works vehicle so he's brought another truck, she's lovely, really lovely, just very very young and very beautiful (21 to his 30). She's lovely with my dd but then says (I've heard along the lines of) "I'm so glad I don't have to see xxxxxx much as I don't like sharing you)

Some of the jealousy mentioned is so right, my mum adores her and said she wishes she was her daughter instead of me (can't blame her as the girl is thin and beautiful...doesn't work much..has a rich Daddy..I work 4 jobs 40 ish hours a week) and that Mum doesn't want to do as much for my dd as she is looking forward to having proper grandchildren one day and she won't want to see my dd much anymore so it's better for dd to get used to it now

I do like my bros gf, I just wish he wouldn't promise things he can't keep up! Or that she was important enough to spend a half hour a week with!

HeddaGarbled Fri 15-Apr-16 00:35:08

Oh sweetheart, your mum said she wishes she was her daughter instead of you? What an outrageous and horrible thing to say.

You work 4 jobs and are bringing up your daughter single handed. If you were my daughter, I would be proud of you. If your mum genuinely values slim, beautiful and rich parents over hard work and resilience, she doesn't deserve you.

I'm wondering now whether your life is too wrapped up in your family who aren't valuing you and your daughter enough. Are you able to develop friendships and a support network which are separate from your family?

Lovewineandchocs Fri 15-Apr-16 00:38:17

"Wishes your DBs girlfriend was her daughter" wants "proper grandchildren"
Sorry, but your Mum sounds horrendous! Why are you living next door to her?

As for your DB I'd have a quiet word and ask him in future to not make promises he can't keep as it is devastating to a child. I'd also reinforce to your DD that he still loves her very much but is a bit busy at the moment.

Needfinsnow Fri 15-Apr-16 00:44:20

Thank you for the sweetheart Hedda! I really love being called that, it sounds so silly but I really miss that word when I'm sad. I can't do those things as I have zero confidence now, my best friends live in Guernsey, Australia and Canada and now i feel so insignificant I can't make friends. Family make me feel guilty I wanted to have a friend outside of dd and I x

amarmai Fri 15-Apr-16 00:48:06

op, your mum is being unpleasant to put it mildly , saying she prefers a stranger to you and worse wants proper gc ?? Your dd and you are bluntly being called 2nd class. When you do not have to have your mum be the babysitter, i think you need to move away if you can and find people who value you for the great hard working mum you are. Also can your dd not pop around to the house next door and have a mini visit with her dear uncle? when your dd starts school she will find friends and have a happier life. As she gets older you will be able to do the same. You sound like a lovely person ,op. Please try to get counselling so you can value yourself more.

Needfinsnow Fri 15-Apr-16 00:52:17

Do have to say when I work through the night my mum takes the baby monitor with them and as soon as I get home from work I bring my dd back into her own bed to sleep properly

amarmai Fri 15-Apr-16 02:07:19

Your life will not always be like this,sweetheart. Keep your long term goals in mind , but have mini short term treats as well. Your dd is so lucky to have a mum like you and she will always love you and thank you in her heart-even if she forgets now and then-you know teenagers ! Your strength and steadfastness will get you thru this, so please pat yourself on the back right now and every day and say out loud .I can do this. I am doing well. We will build a better life . We love each other . We are lucky to have each other. And yes , you are also lucky that your mum is helping you both.

curren Fri 15-Apr-16 06:01:10

I have a difficult relationship with dbro and Sil. Dbro was also similar with my dd. When he met Sil he cut that down to almost nothing.

Be careful not to blame Sil because your mother has said awful stuff. Or because he cancelled on your dd. That's your mum and your dbros fault.

Blaming her will only end up making you angrier and the blame is pointing in the wrong direction.

Speak to your brother about letting dd down. Don't mention the girlfriend. Just that it's not ok to let her down. Ignore what your mum says about not speaking to him. You are all adults and can have a conversation.

It's a new relationship and can be all consuming at first. What's happening isn't unusual.

My Sil is a dick tbh. She has directly done awful things to me and my kids. But I don't blame her for my brother being a dick. She isn't responsible for dbro actions. Even if she encourages him to do something shitty. If he chooses to do it. That's his decision.

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