Mother in law inviting herself

(82 Posts)
Curvylou11 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:00:20

I wanted to start a new thread to carry on the subject of my MIL. I didn't want people to have to read the whole topic again as this is something else that has bothered me a lot.
I have cooked Christmas dinner for my MIL and FIL for the past 17/18years, but the past few years she has started to invite herself, take it for granted, I was planning to just spend it with my dh and dc last Christmas until she said she would order the Turkey, luckily for me my oldest dd has a house of her own now and has invited us. This is my break, I will never spend Christmas cooking again, I will go out to a restaurant the year after

MidnightVelvetthe5th Tue 12-Apr-16 17:03:55

After 18 years did it not occur to you to tactfully tell her you wanted last Christmas on your own, instead of expecting her to wait for an invitation? No she shouldn't have presumed but you could have managed it better.

ClaudiaWankleman Tue 12-Apr-16 17:07:17

It's April! YABU to even be thinking about Christmas at this time of year.

momtothree Tue 12-Apr-16 17:08:37

Have you said anything to your daughter about invites this year? What does your DH say?

Sallyingforth Tue 12-Apr-16 17:08:41

I agree. You have established a tradition of having her for Christmas. Until you say something to the contrary, she is not unreasonably assuming that it will continue.

PotteringAlong Tue 12-Apr-16 17:10:20

If I'd been to the same house for 18 years for Christmas I wouldn't wait to be invited either. And it's April. April.

YABU here. Very much so.

NeedACleverNN Tue 12-Apr-16 17:13:57

Hang on...

Have I been in a coma and it's December already?!

LineyReborn Tue 12-Apr-16 17:16:58

She may invite herself to your DD's. Would that be ok or a bit of a pain?

SallyDonovan Tue 12-Apr-16 17:17:56

You have established a tradition of having her for Christmas. Until you say something to the contrary, she is not unreasonably assuming that it will continue.

^This. She has been your guest every year for nearly 20 years. You can't be surprised that she thinks it will continue. You need to manage this situation and make it clear early on that she will need to make other plans.

Arfarfanarf Tue 12-Apr-16 17:21:41

Clearly theres more to it but on this alone i think you can see can you not that if someone is invited year in year out for nearly two decades that they might begin to think christmas at your house was the tradition?

curren Tue 12-Apr-16 17:24:27

If she has been coming every year, I am not surprised she just assumes.

If you are a family that plans this far in advance, you or dh need to tell her. Perhaps your dd will invite her to hers.

Curvylou11 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:24:55

Tradition or not, I would never take it for granted or assume I am invited.
I tried to drop hints and say I was getting a little fed up of cooking every year and also said I might have been going away, MIL replied, "well if you are doing the dinner I will buy the turkey"
I try my best to keep the peace within this family by trying to accommodate mainly my dh parents, my mil starts asking what I'm doing for Christmas in September, I know it's only April but it's just another thing that frustrates me

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 12-Apr-16 17:28:26

It's April. Why the fuck are you stressing about Christmas? Seriously, pick your issues at appropriate times of the year.

Curvylou11 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:28:42

Nobody said it was December, this is a discussion thread about any time of the year surely

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 12-Apr-16 17:30:00

And yes, almost two decades is a tradition. She's not unreasonable. I think it's quite sad you're pushing her out actually.

Curvylou11 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:30:25

No need to swear either Paul that's inappropriate when I feel sensitive about these issues, the subject was about my MIL in general, her behaviour!!

Curvylou11 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:31:31

Paul you're entitled to your opinion as I am mine! I just don't agree sorry

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 12-Apr-16 17:32:20

Grief... It's mumsnet, every other post contains a swear word. It's not an attack or a slight on you. hmm

Veterinari Tue 12-Apr-16 17:33:25

No the subject is about your MIL responding to a specific tradition after almost 20 years. There's no information at all about her behaviour in general.

Posters can only comment on the info they have. If there's a relevant back story, put it in the OP

paxillin Tue 12-Apr-16 17:34:43

I would assume I am invited after 18 years of doing it. I think you are doing well to tell them now so they can make alternative plans.

weirdsister Tue 12-Apr-16 17:36:25

What does your dh want to do?

curren Tue 12-Apr-16 17:36:34

Just because you would wait to be invited for something that you have done every year, doesn't mean everyone is the same.

I would assume plans were the same. So would others

Curvylou11 Tue 12-Apr-16 17:37:12

Veterinari, yes there is, when a person assumes, presumes, takes it for granted that someone is going to cook for them every year, that is plain bad manners, is bad manners not a behaviour?

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 12-Apr-16 17:39:17

In your opinion.

AddToBasket Tue 12-Apr-16 17:39:34

YABU and bizarre. Of course she thinks it'll be the same as the previous 18 years! What's making you put such a stroppy spin on this?

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