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AIBU?

to start to feel resentful towards my DP

61 replies

MoanMoanMoanMoan · 12/04/2016 07:46

I've been feeling like this a while and don't even know how to start so bare with me

Me and DP always use to have separate finances which worked for us. He moved in with me and he kept his money I kept mine and paid for everything (I was happy with this) then his contract ended at work and he was out of work, we spoke and decided to join finances I said I could support him as long as he was back in work by a certain date (few months time) but he wasn't barely looked for work wasn't that interested only got a temp job after Christmas when I cried about all the financial stress of it all and sorting presents for my DC and his DC but then he quit after a couple of weeks because he didn't like it. And months later still nothing.

We never have any money which we both hate, he we have a bit left at the end of the month but there's a bill due he'll just rather spend it and forget about the bill which are all in my name I've got debts to pay because of this situation which he doesn't seem bothered about.

I'm feeling resentful of having all the money stress trying to balance everything while he just wants to spend it and then is pissed off if we don't have money to spend and I do everything in the house, the washing the cleaning putting everything away all the shit jobs and I'm just feeling constantly in a mood. I have to balance all of this between working from home having my own DC and running a house. I'm getting to the point of feeling so resentful towards him but I don't know the best way to bring it up without it all exploding into a massive argument

I should add he does have so many good traits and this is the only problem in our relationship

OP posts:

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PPie10 · 12/04/2016 07:50

It may be the only problem but it is a huge one. Why should you or more importantly your DC be suffering and worse off? That's a pretty big problem to me. Why should you be supporting his DC as well? Sounds like he found a cushy situation and is taking advantage of you.

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ProseccoPoppy · 12/04/2016 07:54

The "only" problem?! That's a whole load of major problems, several of which individually would be deal breakers for me! YANBU but I really wouldn't worry about exploding at him - he's being a free loading lazy bastard!

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Brekekekex · 12/04/2016 07:58

That is one massive fucking problem. He's a cocklodger.

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RaeSkywalker · 12/04/2016 07:59

If DH wasn't working, I would expect him to do the lion's share of all housework whilst actively looking for a job.

Do you think he might be depressed Moan?

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EatDessertFirst · 12/04/2016 08:03

Cocklodger. He is the problem and needs to go!

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MrsH1989 · 12/04/2016 08:06

If he genuinely cannot get a job he should at least be claiming something to help. If he just cannot be arsed I would be asking him to leave. Tell him you cannot support him any longer and kick him out. The less harsh option would be to limit his funds and just give him "spending money".

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Brekekekex · 12/04/2016 08:07

So he doesn't contribute financially, nor does he contribute practically (housework etc) and he spends your money on frivolous shit leaving you to stress about paying the bills. Does he have a gold-played cock and diamond-studded balls??

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bakeoffcake · 12/04/2016 08:12

why do you put up with him?

If I were you I'd ask him to leave. If you won't do that then at least tell him today that your depressing the finances again so you can make sure all the bills are paid. He will have to get a job if he wants his own money.

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bakeoffcake · 12/04/2016 08:13

*separating the finances

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Fishface77 · 12/04/2016 08:15

He's using you.
Think of your kids.
Kick him out

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GreenishMe · 12/04/2016 08:19

I'm afraid I agree with PPs. You can't allow this situation to go on. The longer he does nothing, the less likely it is that he'll return to work.

He can't just quit a job with no other job to go to because he doesn't like it -- if only we could all do that. I think you should insist that he finds a job (any job) quickly - he can still look around for a more suitable job to change to.

If he doesn't do it, he doesn't care enough about the relationship and you should ask him to leave. Don't let him drag you and your DCs down with him.

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honeylulu · 12/04/2016 08:32

What are these "good traits" you speak of? If I understand correctly you had sine financial responsibility for the household even when cocklodger was working. Now he isn't and you also furnish him with spending money at the expense of paying bills because he'd rather spend it and gets pissed off if he can't. You even buy his children's gifts which bell end should be covering.
Plus you do all the shit work around the house while he sits and polishes his golden cock I presume.
What good traits? Pray, tell?

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pippistrelle · 12/04/2016 08:36

How long has this been going on, OP?

Losing your job can have a pretty dampening effect on the spirits, and I'm just wondering if it's had more of an impact on him than he's said. Also, with the job he left - is it possible that he left (or was asked to leave) because he couldn't do it, but ego and pride made it hard for him to tell you? Can you help him devise a plan for getting back to work? He might feel better once he has a plan in place, and you might feel less resentful if you know what he's doing and, indeed, that he is doing something.

You need to have a frank - but kind - discussion about the pressure you're under and discuss a fairer division of the house work. He needs to understand that how things are now is not fair. If he can't see that, then you're in a different place and one where you're unlikely to be able to resolve things.

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mouldycheesefan · 12/04/2016 08:39

Ask him to leave. Problem solved.

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ohtheholidays · 12/04/2016 08:42

The only problem, OP you've mentioned more than one!

He lost his job you took over all the bills he knows how worried you are yet he takes a temp job and quits that.That's 1 problem there.
Then he lets you deal with buying Christmas presents for his children and doesn't attempt to get another job knowing how upset you are and leaves you to it,Problem 2.He'd rather spend the money you have left than pay a bill that's due,Problem 3.
He's caused you to wrack up debts and doesn't care,Problem 4.
He's caused your financial problems with his choices and he gets pissed off about not having more money to spend on what he wants,Problem 5 and that's a big one he's supposed to be your partner and your equal not your child!
On top of him not working because he doesn't want to,the debts and upset he's caused you he also doesn't do anything around the house whilst you cover yours,your children's and his outgoings and work,Problem 6.

OP he doesn't sound like a great guy he sounds like a Cocklodger!

The majority of us on here wouldn't put up with that from one of our children once they're over 18 let alone a grown man were sharing our lives and bed with.

From what you've said you sound like a really nice person and he knows he's landed on his feet with you.Honestly you and your children deserve so much better OP!

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magoria · 12/04/2016 08:50

If that bill was the weeks food budget would you stay with a man who spent your hard earned money on crap and your DC had to go without for a week?

What the bill is doesn't matter.

His attitude towards the person supporting him and paying for gifts for his DC is that he deserves it and you are one of the white goods appliances combined with an ATM.

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CoraPirbright · 12/04/2016 09:03

Kick him out! How will he afford rent/food/bills then? If he has kids, how is he paying for them? (or are you doing that too?)

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molyholy · 12/04/2016 09:03

Cocklodger
Very lazy
Unmotivated
Lack of respect towards you
Happy for you to pay for his children

So, what are the 'good traits' you speak of?

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ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 12/04/2016 09:07

So he gets to lie about being a lazy bastard all day while you work and pay for everything and are racking up debts in YOUR name?!

Jesus, get rid or ultimatum. I hope you don't give a single penny to spend on himself.

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Topseyt · 12/04/2016 09:13

Separate the finances again and never re-join them.

He is a financial disaster area. At least have control of your finances.

It is of course possible that he is depressed at being unemployed and I can certainly understand someone being disillusioned when job searching (if he actually is seriously searching) persistently comes to nothing.

Only you know him though.

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CocktailQueen · 12/04/2016 09:17

Cocklodger! He doesn't have a job, doesn't try to get or keep a job, and you still do everything in the house??

No fucking way! He's taking you for a mug. End it now.

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ScarletForYa · 12/04/2016 09:19

Cocklodger.

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Pollyputhtekettleon · 12/04/2016 09:22

You are being taken advantage of and it looks like you are also going to end up shouldering a load if debt alone. Every part of your post would be a deal breaker for me. (The refusal to look for a job, the not doing any of the housework considering he's not working, the wanting to spend money that is not his and worse wanting to spend what should be used for bills, the forcing you into debt to fund him....). OP you need to wake up before its too late.

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DurhamDurham · 12/04/2016 09:23

I don't think that is just one problem, it's lots of problems....what does he contribute to your life? Tell us some of his good points because they'd have to be outstanding to even start to make up for the fact that he seems to be such a lazy and selfish person.

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TheCrimsonPleb · 12/04/2016 09:29

I don't think there is an easy way around this one. Hang on, I take that back, if he were to make a serious effort to find work, get a job and start earning, well that would be the easy way around this one.

However ... it doesn't sound like he is making any effort to look for work and apply for any jobs that come up. It sounds like he is quite comfortable where he is thank you very much. Therefore, there is no easy way around it because you are probably going to end up doing a lot of arguing in an effort to get him to take responsibility.

I've been there. My DH has only recently got a job after quite some time out of work. I can't tell you the immediate relief I felt when he heard he got the job. Until that point the weight of being the only breadwinner was immense, he housework, shopping, cooking and that was great but struggling on one income, facing Christmas and birthdays with no money, no holidays, no meals out, no treats is really draining. You are working hard and not able to enjoy the fruits of your labour because you are subsidising him and getting into debt in the process.

Our relationship was nearly at an end. A lot of resentment builds up on both sides as I am sure you know. He will be feeling defensive you are feeling angry and exploited. It also becomes like a Parent/Child relationship rather than a relationship of equals.

You just have to be very clear about your position and expectations. Tell him that you can't go on like this, you need him to step up his game and apply regularly for work, any work. In the meantime, tell him that you expect him to help around the house more and that you all need to tighten your belts under more money is coming in ie. he doesn't get to spend your money on whatever he wants, whenever he wants. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.

It is a horrible situation and I really feel for you because the only way out, if he is really doing fuck all is to constantly keep the pressure on or end it. Only you know what your threshold is before you end it. If he is a good guy he will see your distress and level up.