and ungrateful?

(53 Posts)
sconebonjovi Mon 11-Apr-16 16:34:12

First post from a long time lurker!

Basically, I currently live about 300 miles from my parents, with my DH and 2yo DD. I'm looking at relocating and renting in an area that is about half an hour from where my parents & Dh's mother live. They have always wanted us to move closer, so they can see their granddaughter more often etc.

DH and I are broke, so in order to move we will be relying on financial help, probably to the tune of about 1.5k from my parents. Not sure if it's relevant, but they are relatively wealthy. Very grateful for said help, but they are really only prepared to help if they can be in control of where we live, how we move and what we do in the mean time. They aren't big fans of the area we want to live in (they are snobs), and are very picky about exactly where we should live. They have also mentioned giving us £100 a month so we can afford to rent somewhere nicer. Again, very kind, but I'm worried that they are going to use this as leverage over me. They have really history of being emotionally abusive towards me, and are prone to bullying me. Our relationship has always been very difficult, but we are also quite close. I want to go down on the train to visit the area, and my parents are busy, so I suggested I go and stay with my MIL so I can have a look around. My DF shouted 'Why don't you going and live with fucking MIL then' and put the phone down on me, as he thinks I am being spiteful by suggesting it?! They think she has less right to spend time with DD because she has offered less financial help.

I'm starting to have real reservations about this whole thing, but we 're really unhappy where we are, and I really wanted to be nearer family for support, and for DD to have more time with grandparents, instead of barely knowing them. I struggle massively with my MH, and thought I'd be better off surrounded by family, as i'm lonely here. Am I being ungrateful? I'm really angry at my Dad, but don't feel like I'm allowed to be because of the money sitch. I'd really appreciate some insight!

OTheHugeManatee Mon 11-Apr-16 16:36:07

I wouldn't move closer. They sound pretty nasty.

PotteringAlong Mon 11-Apr-16 16:36:20

They think she has less right to spend time with DD because she has offered less financial help.

Turn it all down because of this statement right here.

OTheHugeManatee Mon 11-Apr-16 16:36:20

I wouldn't take their money either.

originalmavis Mon 11-Apr-16 16:38:29

I'd be very very wary. If they want to visit, fine - they can spend their money on a hotel.

ILovePies Mon 11-Apr-16 16:38:30

Is there anyway you take out a loan so you could be more in control?
Your parents sound a lot like mine & I try to take as little help as possible from them as they like to control me even though I am adult.
YANBU to be upset with the way he's spoken to you, it sounds to me like they're offering money so they can be in control.
Also since when did GP need money to see their DGC?!
Is there any baby groups you could get to, to try and make friends in your current area?

NynaevesSister Mon 11-Apr-16 16:41:57

Either you can make it clear, and make it stick, that if they want you to move closer and they want to give you the £1.5k they have to:

1. Never, ever swear at you. You wouldn't take it from a stranger and you won't take it from your parents.
2. Understand that the money is a gift and they are not in any way buying more rights to you or their grandchild.

And that if they do not stick to those two rules they will not be seeing their grand daughter.

You say you are close to them. But are you really? Or have they emotionally abused you to the point you think that sort of behaviour is OK?

They are not going to help with your MH issues.

lacktoastandtolerance Mon 11-Apr-16 16:45:18

300 miles sounds far too close already to me. I certainly wouldn't accept any help - you're putting yourself in a position to be blackmailed for as long as you live there.

Euphemia Mon 11-Apr-16 16:48:04

I wouldn't want people like them having more contact with my child!

gamerchick Mon 11-Apr-16 16:48:06

God don't do it, they've started already. Don't under any circumstances take that money, your soul is worth more.

PPie10 Mon 11-Apr-16 16:48:35

You will regret moving closer and accepting their help. They have already let you know what you are in for. Don't do it op.

Birdsgottafly Mon 11-Apr-16 16:48:38

I agree with what's been said.

Your Parents aren't going to be supportive and will impact on your MH.

Lovewineandchocs Mon 11-Apr-16 16:50:35

Please don't take the money, it won't be worth it!

cosytoaster Mon 11-Apr-16 16:50:57

You and your DH are adults and should be responsible for your own income and finances. This means that if you can't afford to move then you should postpone until you are in a better position. If you take the money from your parents, either to move and/or the monthly amount on offer it will come with strings, whether this is made explicit or not. There have been several threads before where posters have accepted financial help from parents and ended up regretting it.

Ragwort Mon 11-Apr-16 16:51:03

Agree with others, I cannot imagine in a million years my DF speaking to me like that shock - be very, very careful if you move closer.

pasturesgreen Mon 11-Apr-16 16:54:48

I'd actually look at moving further away, not closer. Those people are toxic, and they're already showing their true colours.

At the very least do not accept help, financial or otherwise, from them. You don't need help that comes with strings attached.

Oldraver Mon 11-Apr-16 16:55:05

I really wanted to be nearer family for support

I don't think you need their kind of support, they will put all kinds of conditions on you of you take their money

yougetme Mon 11-Apr-16 16:58:17

I wouldnt move right now. At least wait until you have the money to fund your own move but under no circumstances should you accept any money from your parents.

It really isnt normal to bully members of your family and to insist they do things your way. Most parents would be only too delighted that their daughter was moving closer and would do anything they could to help. They certainly would not be shouting and swearing at her down the phone .

Im afraid i agree that 300 miles is probably close enough for them.

Gatehouse77 Mon 11-Apr-16 16:59:11

I'm afraid that I'd forgo the money.

Either take out a loan but ONLY if you can afford to pay it back.
Or find a way of doing it on a lesser budget.

I hate people who use money as power.

Nanny0gg Mon 11-Apr-16 17:02:24

That isn't support.

If you do move, make it nearer your MiL than your parents. But I think you'd be better off keeping your distance from them.

HeddaGarbled Mon 11-Apr-16 17:02:31

Don't move closer and don't accept any money from them.

Whocansay Mon 11-Apr-16 17:05:49

I agree with everyone else. I think you'll find any help you get will come with strings also and will be withdrawn if you don't tow the line. Tell them to shove their money.

sconebonjovi Mon 11-Apr-16 17:06:21

Thanks for all of your advice so far. I'm quite surprised, I was prepared to be pulled apart for being a brat (which my parents say I am often). I don't expect money from them or feel entitled to it. The problem is, if I tell them now that we're going to sit our plans and think/save for what happens next, they'll accuse me of kicking off because I'm not getting my way, and that I only want their help in my terms. We've also already given our landlord 2 months notice. I'm an idiot for thinking they would help out if the kindness of their hearts.

steppemum Mon 11-Apr-16 17:06:53

They think she has less right to spend time with DD because she has offered less financial help.

'Why don't you going and live with fucking MIL then' and put the phone down on me, as he thinks I am being spiteful by suggesting it?!

and are very picky about exactly where we should live.

These are such red flags. they want to control you.
Really I would only move if you can do it yourself, have complete freedom to live where you want and can chose the amount of time you spend with them and with MIL.
Don't make yourselves beholden to them, they will use it against you again and again.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Mon 11-Apr-16 17:07:35

They want to buy you. Don't let them.

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