To be annoyed at in-laws changing my surname when I haven't

(60 Posts)
Chinashoes Fri 08-Apr-16 23:06:55

I have been married for five years but have never changed my surname. My in-laws know this (MIL has complained about it to DH, one of his aunties has seen the need to bring it up at three separate parties, everyone received a full explanation when we gave our kids both of our names) yet they continually send post addressed to me but with my husband's surname. More recently, after me clarifying things yet again to the auntie in front of the rest of the family, they have also started to call me Mrs D H. I've never made a fuss about this to any of them but it really does upset me. I feel that they're deliberately disrespecting my choice when they know that this is important to me, and now using the Mrs DH thing as a passive aggressive way to say "we won't call you your name". I'm starting to think about texting people as and when it happens to say "you know this isn't my surname, please call me Ms Shoes from now on", or maybe posting about it on Facebook. Would this be unreasonable, given how long this conversation has gone on for?

WorraLiberty Fri 08-Apr-16 23:11:29

Posting about it on Facebook would be passive aggressive and a bit 'teenager-ish' I think.

What sort of reasons do they find to continually send you things in the post?

It all sounds a bit odd to me, as though they don't really like you. If that's the case (I don't know if it is) then I'd avoid them as much as possible really.

ZenNudist Fri 08-Apr-16 23:15:35

Just ignore them. Don't respond if they don't use your name. Even better refer them to MIL when they say "mrs dh" - surely that's her name?

Pass on post addressed to her 😀

Peppapogstillonaloop Fri 08-Apr-16 23:17:16

My in laws and even my own family do this. It drives me a bit mad but I've decided to let it slide. I've kept my name, my husband his and the kids are double barrelled. I get a mix of double barrelled, his name and occasionally my actual name. It's annoying but I think stems from ignorance/confusion rather than deliberate antagonism.

FuzzyOwl Fri 08-Apr-16 23:18:57

I would either ignore them or return anything send with the wrong name on it. I also like the idea of forwarding it to your MIL. grin

Stripyhoglets Fri 08-Apr-16 23:20:15

My mil does the PA post thing too. Kids have noticed and started questioning why - when my name is different. I just say I don't know. Cos I really don't know why she does it. Others do it too but I think they genuinely forget as they ate not relatives!

AntiHop Fri 08-Apr-16 23:21:04

Some family members do this to me too. Actually mainly on my side of the family. Really annoys me.

Floggingmolly Fri 08-Apr-16 23:21:44

They actually call you Mrs Husbandsname when addressing you in person?? And continually write to you for the sole purpose of addressing the letters in his name also?
It sounds ever so slightly exaggerated...

RJnomore1 Fri 08-Apr-16 23:22:43

Return post with "not known at this address@ on it

pigsDOfly Fri 08-Apr-16 23:23:07

If you feel they are doing it to wind you up and disrespect you why are you rising the their bait and letting them see that it's annoying you?

If you just ignore it and don't react surely you're taking the wind out of their sails.

I don't like it when people call me by the short version of my name because I think it's ugly and prefer to be called by my given name, but I don't constantly correct them as it's silly and pointless. And likewise if someone from a call centre calls me by my given name rather than Ms PigDofly I don't bother to correct them. It's not that important.

How much post can you be getting from them anyway?

In the 22 years I was married to my exh all I ever got from my ILs was the odd birthday card.

WonderingAspie Fri 08-Apr-16 23:24:17

I was going to say I'd return the post too saying there was no one with this name at your address.

CantChoose Fri 08-Apr-16 23:25:24

I have changed my name on marriage and lots of my relatives still address post to my maiden name, others have decided I'm Mrs now, not Dr any more... I'm pretty certain they're just being absent-minded but if yours are getting it wrong on purpose I'd probably just keep correcting them in the hope they get bored eventually!

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle Fri 08-Apr-16 23:32:15

Play them at their own game. If your mil likes to be called Grandma, start calling her granny or gran. Call her something just to the side of her first name like Julia if it's Julie. Lovely and childish/PA but fun.smile

Indantherene Fri 08-Apr-16 23:40:19

My ILs did this for years sad.

His mum and eldest brother finally got the idea about 10 years ago, after more than 20 years of Mrs DH. His Auntie continues to send cards to Mrs DH but as she is the only one I'm beyond caring now.

I suspect it was the DCs becoming adults and DD1 objecting violently to 'Miss DH' that focussed their minds grin

EweAreHere Fri 08-Apr-16 23:46:14

It's incredibly disrespectul. And, frankly, your HUSBAND should have told them off years ago for this and made it stop. It's bullying, and he's letting them bully you and disrespect your feelings.

Refused to discuss at this point since he hasn't stood up for you. Just send everything back with a notation' no such person at this address'.

NNalreadyinuse Fri 08-Apr-16 23:51:57

That's really fucking rude. I would refuse to have any contact with people who couldn't manage basic manners. I would also not allow them to spend time with my dc, as children should not witness their parent being essentially bullied. Agree that you husband should have dealt with this.

Blu Fri 08-Apr-16 23:52:16

Are they doing it to wind you up - because they think it is funny?

I agree : Your DH should tell them to stop it and call you by your name.

keeprunninguphill Fri 08-Apr-16 23:54:19

Don't rise to the bait. Ignore it. They are wrong. They want to make a point. But completely blanking them is the best and only policy. They are old - who gives a toss what they think!

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle Fri 08-Apr-16 23:55:03

Yes definitely do what Ewe suggests and get your husband to sort it out for you.
That'll confuse the bejeesus out of them if they are being PA- ly critical of you being one of those "modern women''. It's genius.

tellmemore1982 Sat 09-Apr-16 00:03:44

I just think they're a different generation tbh. When they were married, it was very rare not to take the same name, so accepting that people don't now is not going to come naturally.

What you're doing is fighting a battle about your beliefs or traditions, you think they are the only people in the world who don't understand that you don't want DHs surname. They think you are the only person in the world who doesn't want to take DHs surname when marrying.

Accept the fact you live in and most likely are from different worlds and move on. Convincing them that you're right and they're wrong is a pretty hollow victory in the great scheme of things, if I were you I would just let them carry on in ignorant bliss and conduct your own lives as you mean to.

As far as the kids go... If I were you I would tell them to ask the question directly to the relative and see what the answer is. Kids have a knack of cutting through crap in these situations.

WetLettuce123 Sat 09-Apr-16 00:04:41

YANBU. They sound controlling and pathetic! Your name is nothing to do with them. If I were in your shoes O would correct them every single time. If it continues pull them to one side and say: "DMil I know it's just a thoughtless mistake but you have been getting my name wrong on post etc for years. Please can you make an effort to remember that my surname is and always has been xxx? It's important to me. Thank you." Then she has no excuse.

FifteenFortyNine Sat 09-Apr-16 00:05:25

I didn't change my name either when I got married and did get some comments from relatives. Not as bad as yours, just older relatives asking questions every time i saw them. Then due to a completely unrelated reason, I changed my Facebook surname to my husband's surname and absolutely no comments form anyone after that. It must be official if it's on facebook :D

But yeah, YANBU, your in-laws are disrespectful.

CalleighDoodle Sat 09-Apr-16 00:05:32

I cant believe you get post!

Bambambini Sat 09-Apr-16 00:13:56

Are they being rude and making a point or not just getting it and being forgetful? I'd be annoyed if it was the first.

pigsDOfly Sat 09-Apr-16 00:19:16

That's nice keeprunning because someone's old, nobody should give a toss what they think.

Do you apply that to all your dealings with all older people. Hopefully when you're old nobody will give a toss what you think either.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now