To agree with nearly all of these!? Haha

(35 Posts)
Notimefortossers Fri 08-Apr-16 12:09:15

18 Things parents hate about School:-

1. The School Run
You promised yourself that this term, things would be different. Now it's 8.07am, and here you are once again. More bags hanging off you than the Buckaroo donkey. Swearing openly as you battle with the booster seat. You are officially the world's angriest chauffeur since Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver.

2. The Lunchboxes
Back in 1985, a Wagon Wheel and a floppy Mighty White sandwich would suffice. These days, terrified of your child being flagged as a malnutrition risk, your kitchen becomes a deranged deli counter each morning, as you fill a compartmentalised lunchbox with soft fruit, seeded bread and yoghurt. Which your child will then trade for popping candy...

3. The Pickup
It's not just that primary playgrounds are more intimidating than the exercise yard at Wormwood Scrubs, with freakishly oversized Year Sixers bombing around. It's that God uses pick up as his chance to punish parents for their sins of the flesh, smiting you daily at 3.15pm with a biblical rain.

4. The Impractical Timetable
To support parents as they ease back into a challenging job market, the school day helpfully kicks off at 8.50am and ends at 3.15pm. Which basically gives you just two employment options: lollipop lady or night watchman.

5. PTFA Contributions Another week,another wad of begging letters in the book-bag, chiselling you out of £3 for Sports Relief, £5 to cover the fire-station trip and £10 for Meerkat Awareness Day. Examining your bank statement at the end of the year, you'll realise you'd actually have spent less sending them to private school.

6. The Art Projects
"For this term's topic of medieval Britain," demands the letter, "we'd like your child to construct a historically accurate motte-and-bailey castle to present next Friday".

So begins a shameless cheat-athon, with every parent in school sitting up until 3am, waiting for the papier-mâché to dry with rods of dowel holding their eyelids open.

7. The Schoolgate Politics Even now, in your mid-thirties, there's a school hierarchy to respect, with the alpha-mums holding court while the underlings nod, fake-laugh and agree that Lucy's mum is a selfish bitch for not breastfeeding. On the plus-side, at least you don't get bog-flushed these days.

8. The PTFA Press Gangs
"Hi there!" trills the woman with the terrifying grin as she stops you in the corridor. "We're looking for a few volunteers to erect the marquee for the summer fete,man the face-painting stall and iron the dinner ladies' tabards. You're not doing anything between two and five on Saturday, are you...?"

9. Cake Sales
It's a racket that not even the Sicilian mafia would have the balls to dream up. First you lovingly bake a batch of fairy cakes. Then you hand them over. Finally, you buy them back for a fiver. Ever get the feeling you're being cheated...?

10. Class Assemblies
Brilliant: you've taken a half-day's holiday to cram yourself into a miniature plastic chair and watch a gaggle of strangers' kids mumble inaudibly about the journey of the cacao bean. We're not expecting the classically-trained delivery of Brian Blessed here –but would it kill them to enunciate...?

11. Recorder Practice
We get that children expressing themselves through music can only be a good thing. We just wish it didn't have to be through the recorder: an instrument-from-hell that your child will toot incessantly like your kitchen is an '80s rave.

12. School Fetes
Bat the rat. Soak the teacher. Guess the weight. At the rate you're forking out 50p pieces, you'll burn through more cash at the school fete than the roulette tables of Caesars Palace. By 4pm, broke and sunburnt, you'll be ready to take out your frustrations on the crockery stand.

13. Illness
Primary school is a veritable pick 'n' mix stand of exotic illnesses for your child to hoover up and bring home. After a few days back, they'll have a barking cough that sounds like Mike Reid arguing with a sea lion. Which leads us onto...

14. Nits
In this gleaming future-age of apps and cloud storage, there's something faintly medieval about your child coming home with a lice infestation. Still, it could be worse. It could be worms. And once your child shares a Primula sandwich with grubby Eric from Reception, it will be worms.

15. Holiday Envy
You want to be happy for your childless friends as they bomb off on a bargain fortnight in the Bahamas. But it's soured by the knowledge that come July, prices will spike like the Greek national debt and you'll be reduced to fighting over sun-loungers at Center Parcs.

16. The Classroom Bear
God help us: here comes the shoebox. A cursory flick through the classroom bear's journal –which takes in everything from Premier League football to Spearmint Rhino –confirms that this pint-sized playboy has an infinitely better social life than you. He's like a furry Calum Best.

17. Sports Day
You couldn't score tickets to Wimbledon or the World Cup –but all is not lost, because you've got a front-row seat at the white-knuckle spectacle of children balancing eggs on spoons. Even worse, you'll probably be hauled up for the parents' race, and see the disappointment in your child's eyes as you lumber in fifth, tongue lolling like a thirsty dog.

18. Other Children's Uniforms
For once in your life, you've been a good parent, washing and ironing the uniform the night before and glowing with uncharacteristic pride. Typically, it's at this point that you clock the name tag, realise this cardigan actually belongs to another child –and that you'll be handed your child's yoghurt-streaked snot-rag in the playground tomorrow morning.

WorraLiberty Fri 08-Apr-16 12:17:09

Oh that's brilliant! grin

wonkybumcrack Fri 08-Apr-16 12:20:13

grin furry callum best. This has cheered me right up.

wasonthelist Fri 08-Apr-16 12:23:11

Yanbu

Here's a great thread about the furry Calum-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/1418207-Shall-I-write-an-alternative-diary-for-the-school-bear

StillStayingClassySanDiego Fri 08-Apr-16 12:23:48

I loved No 9 grin.

toomuchtooold Fri 08-Apr-16 12:24:34

You had me at "the angriest chauffeur since Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver". At least it's not only me!

Lumpylumperson Fri 08-Apr-16 12:27:16

Love this!

CatsRule Fri 08-Apr-16 12:27:36

grin so glad ds just misses school this year and is in nursery for another year...the extra year paying fees are so worth it!

BrendasGotABaby Fri 08-Apr-16 12:28:35

grin at lollipop lady/night watchmen and biblical rains at pick-up time.

No smiley face for NITS. One of my DC currently has an epic infestation that must have been brewing since before the Easter his and HAS GIVEN THEM TO ME. Just spunked 20 quid on fricking Lyclear and have an afternoon of de-licing ahead angry.

Furry Callum Best is brilliant grin

Notimefortossers Fri 08-Apr-16 12:32:10

Stillstayingclassy That has literally happened to me twice. My kids have insisted on buying back the bloody cakes we took in!

Clearly there should have been a 19 . . . School mum parking! Our school have sneakily put double yellow lines EVERYWHERE this holdiday . . . first day back is gonna be bedlam

BolshierAryaStark Fri 08-Apr-16 12:32:30

This is fab, & oh so very true.

thetemptationofchocolate Fri 08-Apr-16 12:38:06

In my experience most will ignore the shiny new double yellow lines anyway OP smile

You are spot on about the biblical rain at 3.15.

QuerkyJo Fri 08-Apr-16 12:42:54

That made my eyes water. Back in the 50s when I went to school, we fell out the door a 8:50 and fell back in a 3:10. Free school lunch, no homework, no uniform, no sports day or parent assembly. I not believe either of my parents went into the playground or the classroom. They certainly never met any teachers.

SantanaBinLorry Fri 08-Apr-16 12:43:12

Ah the joys of Spanish schooling. So few of these to deal with.
Im sure there is a whole drop off/pick up/gate hierachy... small town etc. We started at the school late and I tend to hang quietly with the french and polish mum a bit oblivious to it all grin

I like constructing pack up (saddo!) No regulations here. Half a pig or a bag of sweets, the school arnt arsed. I make mine up montly and freeze, butty, cake, fruit, crispy snax, water. The kids help themselves. Its an organizational triumph! Nnot quite got my head around 2 and a half hours off school in the middle of the day. And an expected HOT COOKED MEAL!!! Most business are set up for this and other school/family/whole town events seem to run really smoothly with little expense of bother.
Our regulation filled British brains struggle with the ease grin

BeALert Fri 08-Apr-16 12:47:17

Nope... Here we have no uniforms, no packed lunch police, no hanging around in the playground, no assemblies or fetes, no impractical timetable, no classroom bear.

We do have the cake sales - I quite like then though...

BrendasGotABaby Fri 08-Apr-16 12:47:32

QuerkyJo, even in the 80s we had none of this lark.

School was 9am-3.30pm.

Gates opened at 8.15 and parents just left their DC in the playground with a dinner lady glancing about the place from time to time grin.

After school club was free, ran until 6pm and you just had to bring 30p to cover your glass of Ki-Ora and packet of crisps.

WE didn't have book bags and letters home were rare and only ever really about the nit nurse coming in grin.

We didn't have a furry Callum Best, but we did have some giant African snails that a 'lucky' parent would be given to look after in a huge tank in the holidays.

StealthPolarBear Fri 08-Apr-16 12:52:05

I love furry callum best and "would it kill them to enunciate?"

SausageSmuggler Fri 08-Apr-16 12:53:06

Yes to all of them! DS is in reception now but I'm dreading the topic art projects I've seen older kids lugging in. Year 6 just had to make WW2 bunkers. You really could tell which ones were done by the parents.

Notimefortossers Fri 08-Apr-16 12:58:37

It annoys me that the school don't flag up parents doing kids projects for them and instead often crown them the winners! I always let me DD do their own a d give them a little help if they need it

CaptainCrunch Fri 08-Apr-16 13:03:42

So true, so horribly true. I'll never forget the 9 o'clock on a Sunday night when ds blithely advised us he needed a replica 1st class Titanic cabin for the following morning...thank god DD was into Sylvanian families at the time.

AnnPerkins Fri 08-Apr-16 13:08:40

'he needed a replica 1st class Titanic cabin for the following morning'

Oh my GOD! shock grin

amicissimma Fri 08-Apr-16 13:09:56

There's clearly a business opportunity here:

sell your motte and bailey castle to next years parents.

mrstiggy Fri 08-Apr-16 13:14:40

I reposted this on my fb wall a few weeks ago, it's very funny, esp the biblical rain part. One day this week we had mild weather all day until 2.40 when we suddenly had an epic hailstorm! Battled to school and back in it for it to stop only 10 minutes from home. I swear the weather God hates parents of school children.

WhatchaMaCalllit Fri 08-Apr-16 13:55:39

Ah but there is a flaw in your devious plan there amicissimma :
There's clearly a business opportunity here: sell your motte and bailey castle to next years parents. for the teachers are fully aware of this possible outcome so they cannot have parents being smarter than them. The way the teachers sort this issue out is to only have a motte and bailey castle as the arts and crafts every 7 years. They alternate this with a model of the Titanic 1st Class Cabin, a true-to-scale replica of the Eiffel Tower, a mock-up of the Taj Mahal and so on.
smile

HackerFucker22 Fri 08-Apr-16 14:11:53

DC1 is in preschool (FT though) and its all so true!!

Left off the list was fucking 'costume days' though. DC only started in October and so far we've had Christmas jumper day, world book day, sports relief day and Easter bonnet parade!! My creativity and purse is already done in!!!

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