Who is being U - me or DM?

(46 Posts)
Ilovenannyplum Thu 07-Apr-16 06:46:47

I got engaged a couple of years ago, getting married later this year (yay!) when we got engaged, from we just got a card in the post and a quick congratulations from DM and that was it. No fuss. That was fine, was happy with that.

My lovely lovely sister got engaged a couple of days ago and I'm super happy for her. Her new fiancé is lovely. And honestly I'm chuffed for her.
Now.
DM has decided to hire out a pub and throw them an engagement party, lots of gushing fb and texts about how amazing it'll be and what a fabulous couple they are, oohs they'll get lots of cards & presents etc etc.

AIBU to feel a bit put out? Nobody asked if we wanted a party (I hadn't even considered it to be honest) or even a meal or anything to celebrate. But my DM is going all out to throw them a party.
I can't help but feel a bit meh that DM has treated us both so differently.

As a side note, I'm not jealous of my sister at all, honestly honestly really happy! I don't even really care that they're having a party it's just bothered me that DM is making a big fuss when she didn't care about us when we were in the same situation a couple of years back.

Do I need to just get over it? confused

CoraPirbright Thu 07-Apr-16 06:48:33

Has she always treated you differently (golden child/the other one)?

Euphemia Thu 07-Apr-16 06:52:13

Maybe you sister mentioned wanting a party, and your mum offered to pay for it?

Is she the "Let's have a party!' type and you're not?

curren Thu 07-Apr-16 07:03:57

Did your mum offer to throw her a party, or did she mention it and your mum offered to pay.

My dbro is the golden child. Gets all sorts of fuss. However he always asks. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have a party for me. So mum would never offer.

I am quite independent, I won't ask to borrow money or ask for something to be paid for. Probably in part because dbro takes the piss (not saying your sister takes the piss).

I get annoyed with my brother and his wife, because as adults and parents they can't do anything without asking my mum or her mum to contribute financially in some way.

But I don't get annoyed or upset at my parents for it. I know if I asked for the same it would be there.

I can't even bring myself to tell them what I want for my birthday, when they ask. But that's my issue.

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle Thu 07-Apr-16 07:13:36

Are you living with your fiance? What about your sister and her partner? Does DM like your fiance?

Ilovenannyplum Thu 07-Apr-16 07:27:47

She did not ask for a party, she got engaged abroad and she flies home today. She knows nothing about it. She'll be bombarded with a million texts when she lands. Lucky her grin

We have an odd relationship with DM, we hardly see her despite us always asking to meet up. We both moved out when we were quite young but we haven't moved particularly far away.
My sister is the middle child, we have a younger sister too, snd I would consider the youngest to be the golden child.

And yes, she likes my fiancé!

I kind of feel this is all a show for DM's friends and Facebook. She's not planning on inviting any of our family (lots of step this and step that, would be awkward) or the groom to be's family ("they'll arrange their own party") so just my sister and BIL to be's friends.

This just screams car crash at me confused

leelu66 Thu 07-Apr-16 07:34:30

YANBU. It does sound like it's for your DM's friends benefit.

Is your sister's fiance rich perhaps? Some people do give more attention to well off people.

Ilovenannyplum Thu 07-Apr-16 07:37:04

She did not ask for a party, she got engaged abroad and she flies home today. She knows nothing about it. She'll be bombarded with a million texts when she lands. Lucky her grin

We have an odd relationship with DM, we hardly see her despite us always asking to meet up. We both moved out when we were quite young but we haven't moved particularly far away.
My sister is the middle child, we have a younger sister too, snd I would consider the youngest to be the golden child.

And yes, she likes my fiancé!

I kind of feel this is all a show for DM's friends and Facebook. She's not planning on inviting any of our family (lots of step this and step that, would be awkward) or the groom to be's family ("they'll arrange their own party") so just my sister and BIL to be's friends.

This just screams car crash at me confused

hesterton Thu 07-Apr-16 07:42:01

A lot can change in a couple of years for some women. I am going through more social and less social phases as I negotiate my way through the joys that are menopause.

I think you should gently bring this up with your mum in a non accusatory way and see how she responds. There is a marked difference between the way she is treating you and your sister.

Ilovenannyplum Thu 07-Apr-16 07:42:57

Randomly posted twice? Sorry blush

No he's not rich, just a normal nice bloke.

My DM thinks I'm jealous, I need to get her to understand that I'm not in the slightest but she's just not getting it. Aaarrrgghh!

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle Thu 07-Apr-16 07:44:11

Could you ask her directly why she's decided to have a party for DSis?
Yes utter car crash.

Ilovenannyplum Thu 07-Apr-16 07:44:45

She can't see that she's treating us differently and that's why I'm upset.

She's decided I'm jealous and that's why I'm upset.

It's like talking to a wall with her.

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle Thu 07-Apr-16 07:45:17

X post sorry.

RuggerHug Thu 07-Apr-16 07:51:04

Do you think maybe in her head since your sister lives abroad this is how her (your sisters) friends can all meet up to celebrate in one go while she's back? Where as yours can meet up individually with you for drinks or something? Could be way off but that's the kind of logic I can imagine some people having.

Ilovenannyplum Thu 07-Apr-16 07:55:35

Sorry rugger, I perhaps didn't make that very clear, she's on holiday at the moment (somewhere very tropical, the most amazing proposal!) and she's flying home from that today. She lives 15 mins away from my mum, I live 40 mins away

hesterton Thu 07-Apr-16 07:57:20

Oh I'd be glad she didn't organise a party for me, she sounds a bit self centred.

Congratulations on your engagement. I shall raise a glass of sherry to you this evening.

flowers

QuiteLikely5 Thu 07-Apr-16 08:05:47

Oh dear she isn't inviting his family? Now that imo is very bad!

Why isn't she? That's just rude!

honeylulu Thu 07-Apr-16 08:13:45

My mum is like this and it's definitely a golden child/scapegoat thing. I won't bore you with the long history of occasions of this kind but the latest is that she is organising a big 40th birthday party for my sister later this year, even though sister says she doesn't want a fuss, because "it's a big celebration". I had my 40th a while back. No party organised (or even suggested) for me. Now the same happens with my sister's children (huge fuss of birthdays, school plays/prizes, special days out. I sometimes think she wouldn't notice if mine vanished into thin air.)
When I've raised it politely it gets brushed if with "oh I didn't think you'd want a party etc". If I've pushed it I get "why do you always have to be so difficult and demanding? It's a pleasure to do things for [sister's name] as she doesn't expect it".

Does this sound familiar OP? If yes, then I sympathise. It's crap. If I sound bitter, than that's because I AM!

AugustaFinkNottle Thu 07-Apr-16 08:14:21

Even if you were jealous, can she not explain why she's doing a party for your sister but didn't for you?

HazyMazy Thu 07-Apr-16 08:14:42

Sorry, but I suspect DM is a snob and the new fiancée is something unusual workwise, or something, so DM can say 'look what a catch my DD has made'. Also the flying back from somewhere exotic might be part of that too.

Or she realizes she missed a chance to show off with your engagement and her friends have done this so she is keeping up appearances.
Or
Is it long since your engagement - has FB come into DM's life since then and she sees an opportunity for lots of showing off family pics?

Either way it's pretty thoughtless but I would ignore. I wouldn't thank anyone for a one sided party like this.

RuggerHug Thu 07-Apr-16 08:15:33

ilovenannyplum Ah I see. I took that completely wrong. Then I haven't a notion why, sorry!

MyLocal Thu 07-Apr-16 08:15:45

YANBU, I would push the point yo feelings honest, I would ask mum why the different treatment, and if she tried to put it back to you with suggestions of jealousy I would calmly explain, no mum I am delighted for her, I just genuinely am curious why the different treatment.

If she can't answer you have yours, she probably wasn't on FB as much then as she is now, and therefore she is competing with her FB friends and aquaintances and showing off. Seems very much about her and not your sister!

HazyMazy Thu 07-Apr-16 08:16:06

Often these favourite child things are a carrying on of their own childhoods. Investigate their childhoods.

lem73 Thu 07-Apr-16 08:16:50

Imagine not inviting the fiance's family! How weird.

Ilovenannyplum Thu 07-Apr-16 08:17:12

My sister is already pretty close to her soon to be MIL. I think my mum doesn't really like this. When enquiring as to why she wasn't inviting them, I was told that they would arrange their own party.

I'm pretty sure when my own DS gets married, if his bride to be family were arranging an engagement party, I'd like to go.

Thanks Hesterton, I'll join you with a glass bottle at this rate of wine wink

My step dad (now divorced from my mum) and I are going to arrange to go for a celebratory meal with my DS & fiancé at her favourite restaurant with our partners & my DS. Neither of us want to get involved with this disaster.

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