AIBU to want dp to look after himself?

(78 Posts)
PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 00:44:46

Dp is massively over weight. I don't know by how much. His XXXL are now getting tight.

Im a size 10. None of the dc ate overweight.

We eat fairly well as a family. Hes lazy & eats take aways at any given opportunity. He also eats a ridiculous amount of chocolate.

His job is driving so sits all day. Does no exercise. Won't come out to the park or for a walk with the dc & I.

Hes a walking heart attack/stroke.

AIBU in expecting him to look after himself? 4 dc. Youngest is 2. Hes 48...

MattDillonsPants Thu 07-Apr-16 00:46:15

He can only help himself. Will he go to the doctor?

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 00:47:27

He did. The GP gave him AD's.., shock

OddSocksHighHeels Thu 07-Apr-16 00:48:41

Does he have any physical or mental health issues making it harder for him to lose the weight or get motivated?

I think GP would be the first step but you obviously can't force him to go.

OddSocksHighHeels Thu 07-Apr-16 00:49:40

X post. How long has he been taking AD's for?

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 00:51:16

Physically hes massive so moving around is an issue now!
Mentally hes lazy.

He wont listen to the GP. Hes making me bloody angry. Selfish...

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 00:51:43

ADs about 2 months.

Secretmomma79 Thu 07-Apr-16 08:53:48

Has his weight changed since taking ADs? Some make you put weight on- check the patient info leaflet

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 09:09:45

No Secretmomma.
Ultimately i know i sound horrible but its incredibly unattractive. I'm starting to feel embarrassed of dp. Our dc definitely are.sad

BarbaraofSeville Thu 07-Apr-16 09:45:50

As well as high risk for strokes and heart attacks, it also sounds like type 2 diabetes could be an issue. Doesn't he want to see his DCs grow up and take an active part in their lives?

Are you sure he is not depressed and just lazy? What does he say when you talk to him about it? Has he just gained weight gradually over time? Has he ever expressed an interest in healthy eating/weight loss?

Trouble is that it is going to take a lot of effort for him to lose significant amounts of weight. He will need to completely change his diet and make takeaways an occasional treat not every day. Can he take a packed lunch of pasta salad, fruit etc? Do you cook at home and does he eat the food you make or does he 'not fancy it' and get himself a takeaway?

But yes, if he isn't actually depressed, he sounds selfish and lazy. Has he always been like this?

MizK Thu 07-Apr-16 09:52:11

It is selfish to put himself at risk when he has a family who would be devastated if anything happened to him.
Weight is so complex and tricky but if he is refusing even to come to the park with you then he doesn't sound at all interested in changing. And why should you be the one who has to make sure your kids get fresh air and exercise? That's his job too.

He is setting a terrible example for them. They're lucky to have you.

YANBU.

Obliviated Thu 07-Apr-16 10:00:35

My Dp is very over weight. I don't know what he weighs but he wears an xxxl/50inch waist and has managed to break 2 beds in 6 months by sitting on them!

He was much bigger when we met. He's a lovely bloke but quite soon after we met we talked about how his weight would affect our relationship. It sounds awful but sex with someone that big is rubbish. You can only use one position (woman on top) and the more over weight a man is, the smaller things get. Plus, hygiene was an issue because although he washed, there were sweat and hidden bits that he couldn't see well enough. I couldn't see myself in a long term relationship with such an unsatisfying sex life even it was changeable.

And I didn't want him to drop dead of a heart attack, or to have the extra expence of his take aways, extra plane seats, specialist clothes, etc.

It caused him problems with getting dressed, putting socks and shoes on, and getting up from seats.

He didn't have a medical reason, he just over ate and ate the wrong foods.

And I didn't want to enter into a relationship with all that going on.

A year later and he's doing great, lost 6 stone so far, and can buy a t shirt from a shop instead of online, our sex life is improving, he's joined a gym, we don't have fizzy pop in the house (that's made a huge difference) and have a take away once a fortnight. He doesn't drink and walks for over half an hour every day. I respect him for it. He's also happier in himself and more confident. It had to come from him though, I suppose having a relationship was his incentive.

I wasn't as blunt to him as I was here. But talking about it helped.

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 10:21:05

I was being really subtle & taking the gentle approach.

I cook almost everything from scratch. I make him a healthy lunch as we had 3 dc that i make lunch for, so one more is no big deal.

The problem is he eats his pack lunch. Then will go to a cafe & eat an enormous fry up. Come home have a snack/sandwich. Then dinner. Plus chocolate in between.

Hes 6'3 so a big man. He was wearing 36' trousers when i met him but now hos 44' don't fit him.

He lies about food. Buys crap like doughnuts & pies. Brings them home as'treats'. It drives me insane as i don't want the dc perceiving any food as a treat.

I realise i feel like i don't respect him. The fattness equates to lazyness in my mind.

When i try to talk to him he acts like im being really OTT.

How do i get through to him?

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 10:22:00

We never have fizzy drinks in the house!

suzannecaravaggio Thu 07-Apr-16 10:25:58

Very tricky
If he refuses to listen and insists on sticking to his current trajectory what will you do?

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Thu 07-Apr-16 10:28:43

What Suzanne says. You can't make him do anything - the only person you can truly influence is yourself.

drspouse Thu 07-Apr-16 10:30:39

Does he want to follow advice on depression at all?
Because that advice would be similar - eat things that give you the energy to move around, and move around a LOT more. Is he seeing a counsellor? Or on a waiting list to see one.

For some people with depression, there won't be a weight issue but just doing any activity can help with depression only exercise is very very effective. For others then it would have the dual benefit of helping with both weight and mood.

Do you perceive that he has low mood? Do you think your perception of him as lazy could be this? And have you thought about suggesting you work through e.g. CBT exercises (a lot of which are about just doing something ) with him?

suzannecaravaggio Thu 07-Apr-16 10:36:18

I can see parallels with alcoholism and other addictions, of course it is possible to turn things around, but some people just seem to be too far gone to help themselves.
If ultimately he won't or can't then I think it would be best to focus on what promotes the well being of you and the kids.
Sounds harsh but how much of your life force are you willing to let him drain away?

thewavesofthesea Thu 07-Apr-16 10:36:39

My husband is overweight, as am I at the moment. Not extreme, but he has about 42 inch waist (he is 6'1''). I have issues with food though (used to be bulimic) so I find it really hard to watch him eating too much.

He has lost a lot of weight in the past and is smaller now then when I met him. The best thing we do is try and do it together; and for me not to nag him. The times he has lost weight is when he has wanted to lose weight. It has to come from him. Which is really hard to sit and watch.

The thing that tipped the balance was a GP telling him he was starting to get problems with his health related to his weight. Also, he recognises he uses food as a 'treat' and rewards. He has suggested himself that he needs to try and find other things to use as 'treats'.

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 10:37:42

His GP gave him ADs signed him off work & sent him off.

His mood has been the same for 17 years!!

Hes got lazier as hes got older. When we met there were no ipads or smart phones. He loves his I.T gadgets. The laptop, T.V, phone. He'd never leave the arm chair given half a chance!

So the vicious circle of not moving-got fat-harder to move-got fatter...

I don't think we have a future if he can't deal with this. I don't want to be his carer when he has a heart attack or stroke. Thank god he doesnt smoke & rarely drinks or it would have happened by now.sad

AlpacaLypse Thu 07-Apr-16 10:39:59

There was a very interesting section on radio not long ago about the particular difficulties professional drivers have with losing weight and exercising. They can't choose to walk to work for instance, and the places where their tachograph tells them to stop are very unlikely to have a healthy food shop or a gym attached!

It will have been either radio two or four, they're the only channels I listen to. That means the websites they suggested for getting help will be accessible via the bbc websites.

I would imagine he knows perfectly well he's a fat bastard at the moment and feels hopeless about it, hence the grumpiness, denial, etc etc.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 07-Apr-16 10:46:17

I feel for you Peppa.

No advice I'm afraid. I do worry that DH and I could very easily turn out like this, I'm on Slimming World and trying to exercise but DH isn't really. We have both gained a lot of weight in the years we have been together. As you say, all the tech stuff meaning you don't have to move do not have the best effect!

suzannecaravaggio Thu 07-Apr-16 10:48:31

Does he know how you feel about his lack of concern for his health?

PeppasNanna Thu 07-Apr-16 10:59:06

I haven't told him hes a fat lazy bastard but i do talk about staying healthy as we're getting older.

I started yoga in my mid 40's. He thought it was ridiculous but at least i will try stuff whereas he has no interest in any sport.

He makes jokes about exercising in the bedroom & if i was more obliging he would 'work' off the fat...confused
He knows what i think when he starts talking that nonsense!

Fedup21 Thu 07-Apr-16 11:07:43

I known how you feel. I am in the same situation. The relations in the bedroom is becoming an issue now-I just don't fancy him any more. His clothes don't fit-nothing he owns doesn't expose vast quantities of stomach when he moves-I'm embarrassed by him and it just looks awful. He's unhappy but just eats and eats. His latest is-'if you'd let me get an exercise bike and put it in the lounge in front of the tv (?!) I would be thinner'...

There is always an excuse.

I don't think it's really about the exercise, he needs to start eating substantially less.

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