To avoid friend because I can't stand her husband?

(13 Posts)
daisiesinthespring Wed 06-Apr-16 20:37:26

My friend is lovely and has very small children whom I adore, but I really can't deal with her husband any more.

He's arrogant and controlling and treats her like dirt and it's really upsetting to see but she won't leave him.

I probably am being unreasonable but is there anything useful I can do?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Wed 06-Apr-16 20:39:19

Kill him?

daisiesinthespring Wed 06-Apr-16 20:42:51

Ah <fantasises> maybe not!

cozietoesie Wed 06-Apr-16 20:44:17

Stay in touch, somehow. People make mistakes.

whatdoIget Wed 06-Apr-16 20:44:32

Only if you can guarantee you won't get caught though smile

VertigoNun Wed 06-Apr-16 20:44:53

Can you see her when he isn't about? Or is it a case of her moaning all the time?

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Wed 06-Apr-16 20:45:43

I would try and stay her friend, because she and her children need friends.

However I wouldn't want to pretend that he was a nice chap, looking the other way when he is shitty to her, acting as though it is normal. I would tell her that you disagree with the way he treats her, if she wants to leave you will support her, and if she wants to stay you will be her friend but you don't want to spend time with him as you can't bear to sit there ignoring his bad behaviour. Can you see her and the kids without him being there?

I think it is really powerful to let an abused person know that the way they are treated is not ok.

cozietoesie Wed 06-Apr-16 20:46:17

Even if it's only a Xmas card with a short but personal message.

Dellarobia Wed 06-Apr-16 20:46:22

A good friend of mine has been with her DH for over 20 years, at first I couldn't stand him but over the years I have mellowed towards him. Give it 20 years and maybe you'll feel the same!

MammaTJ Wed 06-Apr-16 20:46:54

KingJoffrey I was just taking a slurp delicate sip of wine when reading you comment, it was a close call for my keyboard!

daisies, I think you have to just let her know you will be there for her once the hitwoman has done her job if she leaves him, but back off for your own sake right now. Try to see her and the kids without him if you can!

daisiesinthespring Wed 06-Apr-16 20:49:48

Thank you; I will, but I really don't think she will leave him which saddens me.

It just makes me stressed and upset when I go there and he treats her like dirt.

WhatamessIgotinto Wed 06-Apr-16 20:56:38

Well I despise my best friends husband. I really can't stand the sight of him, he's an arrogant pig. But I love my friend so I tolerate him.

RoboticSealpup Wed 06-Apr-16 21:07:46

I have a friend like this. She always used to insist on taking her sociopathic P with her every time she left the house so that he could either let us bask in the glory of his charisma and charm, or alternatively, create a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere, depending on his mood and whether there was anyone present that he respected enough to make an effort with.

The fact that she would call me once a month to tell me about her plans to leave him, and about all the gaslighting and other mean shit he does, made it possible for me to say that, actually, I don't want to see him, only her. After initially being completely open about the fact that I personally think that she should leave him, these days I don't really say a lot of negative things about him, unless I'm agreeing with her about something, and I try to make it clear that I don't judge her for staying with him. She doesn't need me to make her feel bad about that. I keep in regular contact, and she knows I'm here for her and on her side. I also try to remind her of who she used to be before she met him (strong, independent, totally fearless).

It's a very difficult balancing act because if you try to push her to leave him, you can end up pushing her away and then she may have no one to confide in. At the same time, you don't want to look like you think it's OK the way he treats her.

An example of how you can approach it: I once suggested they take a break. I knew he would never agree because he knows her life would be better without him. I didn't actually say this though - she did. She realised it when she thought about it. The fact she came to that insight instead of having me say it probably made it more real to her.

But, yeah. She still hasn't left him, so what the hell do I know.

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