AIBU to expect my husband to wash up?

(26 Posts)
chubbyrunner Wed 06-Apr-16 00:20:21

This has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now. I'm currently on maternity leave with our 2nd child (she's 6 months so mat leave nearly up sad) my little boy is 3 and does 2 1/2 days at nursery, so I currently do a big majority of the housework/childcare etc. The only thing I ask my husband to do (apart from go in the garage or up the attic because I'm a wuss) is would he mind washing up. He is working a lot currently as he's doing a lot of overtime and we need the money but he doesn't contribute to anything around the house unless asked. And then he grumbles, making me feel bad for asking. He also does the dishes so quickly he doesn't clean them properly and when I put them away in the morning, some stuff is still dirty. When I spoke to him about this the other week, he proper got his panties in a bunch and said 'then I shan't bother doing it anymore if that's the response). Royally fucked me off with that attitude! It's becoming a bit of an issue because he won't do it unless asked but I hate asking because it feels like an imposition but I do everything in the house so I think he should help! Any ideas anyone??? blush

BrandNewAndImproved Wed 06-Apr-16 00:22:59

Can he not buy a dishwasher with the extra overtime?

Life's to short to argue about dirty dishes tell him either wash up dinner every night or buy a dishwasher.

chubbyrunner Wed 06-Apr-16 00:27:35

We haven't really got space for a dishwasher (the kitchen design has s dreadful amount of dead space, real shit design!) he probably still wouldn't do it without being asked anyway!

zen1 Wed 06-Apr-16 00:32:14

What will happen when you go back to work? Will he do more of the housework then?

chubbyrunner Wed 06-Apr-16 00:38:18

I've no idea, I hope so but then I'm only going back 2 days so I'll still be doing the majority. It just narks me when we've both got up at the roughly the same time and he comes home from work (he does work long days but they are easy days) flops on the sofa and I'm still running round like donkey on speed trying to keep the house from falling irretrievably into resembling a crackden

RhinestoneCowgirl Wed 06-Apr-16 00:43:53

He's being an arse. Doing the dishes in a half hearted crappy way and then having a paddy.

zen1 Wed 06-Apr-16 00:55:14

Yup, that would piss me off as well. When we are both at home, DH and I share the tasks.

napmeistergeneral Wed 06-Apr-16 01:13:23

Putting aside the question of whether he should be doing more (which he should imo), is there anything he could "swap" the washing up for? If he's crap at it and you get annoyed at him for being crap at it, are there any alternative regular chores he could do, less craply? Laundry, ironing, cleaning bathroom, etc....

chubbyrunner Wed 06-Apr-16 06:29:50

Napmeister that's a good idea, I can ask him if he'd find it easier to do something else and he can do that instead. I just don't want to end up resenting him because of the sodding washing up!

tibbawyrots Wed 06-Apr-16 06:37:33

I would be tempted to serve his meals on a plate that he had washed - without me cleaning it again properly.

HeddaGarbled Wed 06-Apr-16 07:18:59

He deliberately did it badly in order to provoke exactly the conversation that you had which gave him the opportunity to trot out the line he's been planning in his head all along. Passive aggressive and quite deliberate.

So now you need to sit him down and ask him very calmly and non aggressively whether he thinks it is acceptable for him to do absolutely no housework or domestic tasks at all? What is he prepared to do now and what extra will he do once you go back to work? He will try and wriggle out of it with silly tantrums, how hard he works, you're at home all day etc etc, but just stay calm and assertive until he accepts that you are not his skivvy and that he needs to step up.

DoreenLethal Wed 06-Apr-16 07:23:14

Aw bless, he is just doing things badly and then kicking off to train you not to ask again. What a sweetie.

pearlylum Wed 06-Apr-16 07:28:52

If you have to wash up hen that leaves less time for you to do other household tasks surely, like wash his clothes or cook for him. He'll soon get the message.....

froubylou Wed 06-Apr-16 07:30:40

I had this with dp. Made a point of serving his food on dirty plates. Soon solved that problem.

Jelliebabe1 Wed 06-Apr-16 07:33:00

I stopped doing my husband's washing altogether when he only did his own bloody ironing. He soon pulled his socks up when he ran out of them!

Collaborate Wed 06-Apr-16 07:36:02

IMO it all depends on what hours he's working. You're wrong to say he's not contributing, as presumably he's working 50 hours or more a week non-stop and that's his contribution.

When you go back to work he'll have to help out around the house a bit more.

But it's about striking a balance that you both feel comfortable with, not finding an arrangement that meets with the approval of anonymous strangers on the internet.

chubbyrunner Wed 06-Apr-16 08:35:54

He is working a lot of hours but he will tell you himself 'I'm getting paid to sleep'! He's a HGV driver and spends a lot of time waiting in depots to be loaded and unloaded (he was in one depot for 8 hours the other day, spent his time sleeping, watching TV, drinking coffee, I was so jealous!) we did have (another) conversation about it a few days ago and I said I know he's working a lot and I wish we didn't need the money but we do so no use wishing that away but I find it really hurtful that when I ask him to wash up (especially if I've had a long day with a teething mummy centric 6 month old and a frankly demented 3 year old) he says 'if I get time'. I honestly don't know if he realises he's doing it. I think I've just been stewing over it for a while that I lost perspective!

Collaborate Wed 06-Apr-16 09:09:46

Sounds like he's working a lot more than 50 hours a week in that case. How much time does he have at home? Presumably when you go back to work he can reduce his own hours.

BrandNewAndImproved Wed 06-Apr-16 09:19:18

If he hates washing up, especially a pile that's accumulated all day, then give him an option. Either he does the bedtime bath and bed routine with the dc whilst you wash up or he washes up while you do that or whatever job you don't like. Use this chat to talk about making things more equal on the days that you will be working.

It's ok to hate something, I used to hate taking the bins out and washing up and my now ex p hated food shopping and a few other things. So I did the food shopping and didn't make him come and he washed up and put the rubbish in the wheelie bin every morning.

GeoffreysGoat Wed 06-Apr-16 13:03:01

I'd stop having time to cook for him, wash his clothes etc. Do your "job" of childcare plus keeping the house safe for them and no more. Sit down when he sits down, and ask him what's for dinner.

chubbyrunner Wed 06-Apr-16 14:06:15

Colloborate. He does what they call an 8 day week, because he does 4 shifts on, 4 days off; based on a 12 hour day so his contract is for a 48 hour week. He's currently doing 2 extra shifts a week so 6 out of 8, if that makes sense. Sometimes he has a 7-8 hour day and is finished. Sometimes he does a 15 hour day, it just depends on what work is there. His work is really good and when possible he gets a 9am start which means he can drop ds off at nursery and if he finishes in time he will pick him up. Other days I do drop off and pick up. When he isn't at work, he likes to sit on the sofa in his pyjamas looking at his tablet doing nothing. Which I get. He's been at work for 6 days, he wants to chill out but I find I'm then looking after 3 people not just 2 and I don't get a break at all. I feel like a harridan for saying that and it sounds really mean but he rarely gets up in the night with the kids so I start the day on a back foot. (Sorry I really am moaning now and sounding like a horrid wife, he really is lovely most of the time and I do know it's a tiny thing to be cross about).

Once I'm back at work, he'll go back to doing just his 4 regular shifts (unless they are in need of an extra bod) I'm hoping once I'm back at work, his mindset will be that I'm working too now whereas at the minute I'm not.

I might try not washing his clothes and when he asks me tell him 'if I get time!'

chubbyrunner Wed 06-Apr-16 14:08:17

Brandnew I hate food shopping with the kids in tow, he will volunteer to do the food shopping but I suspect a less benevolent motive, more like wanting to get away from us for an hour grin

cunningartificer Wed 06-Apr-16 14:15:53

To be honest, if you are not working, have one child in nursery half the time, and he is doing a lot extra, then I would be tempted to just do the washing up. Is there that much? I'm imagining if this was the other way around and someone was talking about a SAHD in this situation and his OH working overtime and coming back to have to do the dirty dishes as well... there would be a lot of sympathy.

Sitting bored at work is not the same--he can't get on with household tasks then, can he?

I'd take him up on the shopping offer and perhaps encourage him to do bath time etc so he gets some quality child time.

Collaborate Wed 06-Apr-16 14:46:46

So he's doing at least 72 hours every 8 days, and often more if he does a 12 hour shift, plus travel time to and from work. Lets assume therefore that he spends over 80 hours every 8 days out of the house either going to work or being at work.

That's the equivalent of 10 hour days. Every day.

I'm not surprised he just wants to do nothing on his days off.

ZiggyPantaloons Wed 06-Apr-16 14:57:31

If he's away that much I would be encouraging him to do stuff with the kids when he was at home, rather than the things like washing up. Might he go for that more?
My DH was away loads when mine were little and we needed up doing this, mostly. Although he did do some of the washing up.

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