...to not tell DSis exactly how much parents contributed for my wedding?

(71 Posts)
Blitzburgher Mon 04-Apr-16 23:45:08

Very generously, my parents paid for the band and booze at my wedding 3 years ago - about £2,500. We didn't expect any money from them and my dad wanted to pay for something tangible rather than just giving cash so he chose band and booze (welcome/post ceremony drinks, table wine and champagne for toast - guests paid after the meal). We had a long engagement (3 years) to save up and pay for the wedding we wanted and were absolutely not expecting parental contributions. ILs gave a similar amount.

DSis is only 26 and has convinced herself that she's never getting married (single, out of a 4-year relationship 18 months ago) and her life is 'doomed'. She has been living with parents since break up so wants to 'demand' from my parents the exact amount that they gave me for my wedding so she can put a deposit down on her own place. I think she thinks they gave me a lot more than they actually did - a 2 bed flat where they live would be £320,000-£350,000 and I know she doesn't want to move area so £2,500 wouldn't be a significant difference to a deposit. I'm reticent to tell her the exact amount - she knows my (our) parents paid for the band and booze.

Is there a nice way of dealing with this? She absolutely won't listen to me when 'i tell her she's v. young - all her school friends are settled with children so she thinks she's left on the shelf. Also think the money thing might put my DParents in an awkward position.

FlowerOfTheWest Mon 04-Apr-16 23:48:56

YANBU, don't tell her. If she wants money let her go ahead and ask your parents and it's up to them how much they give her (or not).

EverySongbirdSays Mon 04-Apr-16 23:54:16

YANBU - she has no right to know what they contributed

but also

YABU because if she realises that if its not enough to get her on the property ladder anyway she might let it go and stop being a dick.

She's still got plenty of time, she can have her £2,500 whe it's time and not before.

Reason with her about how ridiculous shes being, plenty of people don't get married til they are in their 30s

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 05-Apr-16 00:01:43

Just tell her you don't get wedding gifts unless you have an actual wedding

NewLife4Me Tue 05-Apr-16 00:02:47

It's not too difficult to find out the average price of a band and rough estimate for the booze for your wedding.
She can easily find out if she's that bothered.
It's none of her business and was between your and your parents, she shouldn't ask.
If she asks again, just tell her something equivalent she would get for the same money.
Holiday to ? for x amount. She'll soon get the picture.

neonshine Tue 05-Apr-16 00:04:53

Yes, what Needs said above, and also this is a discussion she should be having with your parents and not you.

PastaLaFeasta Tue 05-Apr-16 00:07:44

My PIL gave SIL money at the same time as us for our wedding, they had given up hoping she'd get married. She got married about five years later and got money again. SIL was mid 30s when we married so a lot older than your sister who has plenty of time.

Do your parents know she wants this money? Perhaps you should leave it to them to tell her although I'd drop the hint that it's not going to make much difference to her house buying plans.

Blitzburgher Tue 05-Apr-16 00:08:40

Two things - I think my dad would have paid whatever the band and booze cost - maybe up to £5,000? So it's not about the actual amount in reality more about that DParents wanted to pay for tangible things rather than just giving a set amount. She thinks it's about the actual amount.

Also, DBro is in a LTR with no plans to marry. I know he and DBIL had some help from DParents for their deposit 7 years ago but no idea how much and haven't really given it much thought. Don't know if he's getting the same pressure from DSis about the amount.

Helloitsme88 Tue 05-Apr-16 00:09:56

Going against the grain here. This is your sister. I think she does have a right to know. Money can cause problems in families and the fact that you won't tell her means that perhaps you're hiding something. Just be honest, as you said it's a relatively small amount for what she wants. My dad paid for my wedding and we never made it a secret. My sister decided she would rather have the money and pay for her own wedding when she's ready. Fine by all of us and everyone was happy.
Maybe remind her she's saving loads by living at your parents house. Instead of giving her cash they could waiver the rent and bills (if she's contributing) so she can save herself.

Vintage45 Tue 05-Apr-16 00:11:38

Im with Hello here, why should you keep it a secret?

NightWanderer Tue 05-Apr-16 00:21:15

It's rather important information that your DB got help with his deposit. I agree with the PPs to just tell her. If it's not such a large amount then what's the problem?

Itinerary Tue 05-Apr-16 00:21:40

YANBU. The amount is between you and your parents and is none of your sister's business. Don't tell her.

I'd also be careful of labelling it a "small amount" to pacify your sister, because it was a very generous amount and a kind gesture. Your parents might be hurt if they'd heard you referred to it as a small amount, even though it had actually been all in the context of a deposit for an expensive house.

DonkeyOaty Tue 05-Apr-16 00:31:11

To your sister, she's seen a barrowful forked over to her brother and another to her sister. I kinda don't blame her for getting a bit antsy. Just tell her

bettyberry Tue 05-Apr-16 00:33:01

DBro is in a LTR with no plans to marry. I know he and DBIL had some help from DParents for their deposit 7 years ago but no idea how much and haven't really given it much thought.

this is a bit of a red herring considering 7 yrs ago the possibility of marriage didn't exist for them so contributing towards a deposit for a home made more sense.

I'm sure your parents will contribute towards your sister's life when they feel its appropriate for her just Like they did with yourself and your wedding and your brother and his home.

I don't think you should tell her how much you received. This is just going to make it worse imo.

She should be having the conversation with your parents not guilt tripping you because she feels shitty right now about her life and I think this is why your parents aren't helping just yet iyswim.

BackforGood Tue 05-Apr-16 00:45:33

I don't think you should tell her either.
As someone said upthread, remind her that people usually only give wedding presents, when people get married, and that, when her turn comes, you're sure your parents will be as generous with her as they were with you.

Remind her that they haven't given you the deposit for a house. If it's common knowledge they helped your dB with that, then suggest she discusses that aspect with her parents - it's nothing to do with you. If she doesn't know that, then don't stir, obviously, just go back to the bit about you not having had a deposit for a flat or house.

KimmySchmidtsSmile Tue 05-Apr-16 00:49:21

Just tell her. At those house prices she needs to know that, generous though it undoubtedly was, it was not the life-changing sum of £ that her deposit would require lottery or inheritance amount of £ that, she needs to get real

AcrossthePond55 Tue 05-Apr-16 00:57:50

I would say that this is between your DSis and your parents. If she brings it up again tell her that she needs to talk to your parents about it as they are the ones to decide if, why, and how much they want to give DSis.

Have you spoken to your parents about the fact that DSis is asking you about this?

MattDillonsPants Tue 05-Apr-16 01:18:08

I don't see the harm in her knowing what they gave you. It smacks of child like behaviour not to tell her! What's the big secret?

Bogeyface Tue 05-Apr-16 01:39:20

I would be inclined to say something along the lines of "I dont know how much you think they paid, but let me tell you that you would struggle to get a second hand car with it, never mind the deposit on a house!"

She may not drop it as an idea, but it may make her realise that they didnt spunk £30k on your wedding and that even if they did give her the same amount as you, it wont be getting her on the property ladder any time soon.

Italiangreyhound Tue 05-Apr-16 01:42:03

I understand why but I do think YABU and I think you should tell her.

My parents were very open and even with me and my dear sis and I think that is the best way to be.

It seems unusual to me that you don't know what your parents gave your brother. I don't think it's a red herring either, I am fairly sure there were civil partnerships 7 years ago so it would have been possible to have booze and band for that. For whatever reason your brother didn't choose that but your parents supported him in his choice.

I think your sister probably thinks it is more money so telling may de-escalate the 'issue'.

I also think your sis (if she is not paying full rent prices for the area while stating with your parents) would be well placed to stay put and save up for a new home.

I also think that this may be about more than money. Maybe sis is feeling she has failed (on the shelf) and you and brother are settled with your partners. Maybe your parents have (perhaps unintentionally) reinforced this view.

Bogeyface Tue 05-Apr-16 01:42:51

I don't see the harm in her knowing what they gave you. It smacks of child like behaviour not to tell her! What's the big secret?

Well it isnt the OPs money is it? If her parents want DSis to know then they can tell her, but I really dont think that it is the OPs place to do it. I know for a fact that my parents treat my sister and I equally down to the last penny, but I still wouldnt ask her what they gave her towards her new car as that is between her and them. When I get shot of the shit heap I am driving, I know that my dad will give me some money and that is between me and him and Dsis wouldnt ask about it.

PS Before I get any comments, Ma and Pa are reasonably well off and when Dad got a PPI payout he said that I would get half as I did the paperwork for him and DSis would get the other half so it was fair!

Bogeyface Tue 05-Apr-16 01:43:42

Oh and I dont know what they gave my sister for her wedding, I dont find that odd at all. As I said, its between them.

Italiangreyhound Tue 05-Apr-16 02:44:54

Well, yes, money comes from parents but the children receive it so who is to say whose 'knowledge' it is to tell. Unless parents said specifically do not tell your sister, which would in itself seem strange to me.

But Bogeyface makes a good point. Sorry blitzburger I should clarify, I don't think it is odd not to know what was paid for things in family necessarily, that was a bit crass! grin

But I don't think, IMHO, that these things should be secret or private within families as it may lead to resentment.

Wizzles Tue 05-Apr-16 03:23:16

I'm with bogeyface. If she really wants to know she can ask your parents & it's up to them a) if they want to tell her; & b) if they want to give it to her.

As pp have said, if she's living at home then it's not exactly a fair comparison as you could say she she has had more off your DPs already.

That said, I don't think it should be a case of DPs keeping a running total of how much they give each child to ensure it is the same. Their circumstances are different now, and will be in the future.

When I got married, my (divorced) DPs each contributed. DSis would have known how much DM paid as she bought the dress & DSis was present for that, but doubt she knows how much DF paid & as far as I know has never asked. DSis is not married but in LTR for 8 yrs. If she does choose to get married, both parents will contribute but it is likely to be lower key than mine. (On my wedding day she used the phrase "if I do get married it won't be all this palaver..." angry).
DF gave DSis £2k when she bought her first house & made a point to give me the same when I bought mine. DM (who is better off than DF) has given various amounts to both me & DSis for various houses. I have no idea of exact totals for each of us, & doubt DM or DSis do) but I would suspect I have had more in cold hard cash. However my DSis has had several holidays with DM which probably evens it out, but no-one has actually added it up.

It's not something any of us actively discuss or avoid as feels a bit grubby to be saying "you gave so-and-so £X so I want it too". Ultimately it's a gift & their choice who they give to & how much.

PageStillNotFound404 Tue 05-Apr-16 06:54:24

Can you not just say "Honestly? I can't remember exactly. A couple of grand, I think but it was three years ago and Dad sorted out the band and drinks himself. You'll have to ask him exactly how much he spent."

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