I've also posted on relationships but had no response so also posting on Aibu because I'm close to breaking point:
Two and a half years ago I left XH after 12 years together. Our relationship was characterised mainly by emotional abuse but also some financial, sexual and very occasional physical abuse. I actually left him because of his serial philandering but later realised the extent of his mistreatment mostly by reading advice on here.
We've both moved on, I'm very happy with my BF who is polar opposite of XH. XH is also now with 'the love of his life' who he's been with about 5 months and has already introduced the DC to after 2 weeks.
The problem is that I still feel like he controls everything. He has our two young DC EOW and twice in the week overnight. He was paying regular child maintenance until about two months ago but has also owed me a lot of money which has accrued since we split for his half of birthdays, Christmas, school photographs etc. He regularly promises to pay me back but doesn't. On the meantime, he keeps booking holidays to take the DC on and weekends away with his gf.
Initially he would call a lot to discuss DC's but he would invariably use it as an opportunity to be verbally abusive so I've insisted on email contact only for the last month or so. He doesn't like this and regularly ignores my emails or doesn't respond to the content and will pick out one point to respond to.
He's also becoming less reliable with contact and sometimes just doesn't turn up for the DC. I work part time around the DC and do everything for them like school runs, homework, clubs, parties. I've encourages XH to do more of these things but he won't. If a party invitation falls on his week with the DC, I will send the invitation to him but he very rarely takes the DC to these things. Same with any other event that would be nice for the DC to go to like school fairs etc. he just won't take them. In short, it feels like I'm the only parent putting our DC's needs above my own and I find it hard work. I'm also quite ill at the moment having been diagnosed with hashimotos a year ago. I am exhausted and pick up every bug going round which will take weeks to recover from.
I always thought that he really loved his DC and whilst I worried about how he would cope with them on his own post split (he was never hands on while we were still together and never had them on his own) I never expected him to be this slack. He doesn't brush their teeth, forgets to give them medication and has returned them dressed in urine soaked clothes. I do think he loves them in his own twisted possessive way but he's just so useless. He's only started taking them places when he's with them since meeting this new woman.
He just so hostile towards me and he uses anything he can to get at me, mostly by withholding money that I'm owed or refusing to help out financially. This really grates because I didn't go after anything in our divorce. I let him keep the house (I'm now in private rental), his pension, everything. I gave up my career to look after our children and supported him through career changes and joblessness. He lives in a huge 5 bed and earns extra money by taking in lodgers.
I guess I'm just reeling from the unfairness in the situation and his ultimate control. I feel like I can't heal from his abuse because I'm forced to still endure it despite having left, because I'm the only one putting the DC's first. It feels like I'm at constant war with him. What can I do? I'm often tempted to just completely cut all contact including for the DC's because it's damaging for them too. I can't afford legal advice and I know he would hide his income if I went to the cms. I feel so trapped by my stupid decisions as a 17 year old when I met him sad.
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AIBU?
To feel like he's still abusing me even though I've left?
26 replies
Winged · 04/04/2016 13:04
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