How not to have people hate / ridicule you

(18 Posts)
Yellowsun11 Mon 04-Apr-16 09:49:07

Name change for obvious reason
I'm anxious and have dyslexia . I tend to go for jobs below my skill level . However I tend to be the one people' pick at belittle make fun off . It's something about me
How do I change it ?
I prob do tell people to much about myself as I want to be liked ( want attention ? I don't know )
But then people gossip about me or as in my last job take the piss saying I'm useless ( has been in front of customers )
Starting new job hopefully - how Do I be professional and liked ? Or at least partly respected - feel like a freak

HooseRice Mon 04-Apr-16 09:52:06

It's not you it is them. 100%

Maybe you lack the confidence to tell these arseholes where to go, and you wouldn't be the only one, but their awful behaviour is 100% down to them.

Yellowsun11 Mon 04-Apr-16 09:54:53

Hoose I know that but I feel I make myself a target - I must do

HooseRice Mon 04-Apr-16 10:00:07

sad be yourself and non apologetic for it. Politely and firmly pull up anyone who tried to bully you or belittle you. If it continues, keep a record and report it.

I'm not good with advice but if the ringleader is tackled usually they will back down. Bullies are cowards. (I'm not speaking about tackling a violent bully here)

HooseRice Mon 04-Apr-16 10:02:11

Ps all the best OP, I'd love to slap your idiot colleagues with a wet fish

timemaychangeme Mon 04-Apr-16 10:02:57

Its them not you. But if you haven't done any assertiveness courses it may help you to handle people in general and dickheads, in particular, with more confidence. I took one years and years ago and it really did help me to stand up for myself and if anyone belittles you it might help you tell them firmly that they need to stop and that it's unacceptable.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:05:12

Don't over share info about yourself

If someone is rude to you say:

Pardon?

Sorry I didn't catch that

Making them repeat themselves makes it harder for them

QuiteLikely5 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:05:34

Or repeat back to them what they say

Yellowsun11 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:10:58

I dont repeat it back - and feel myself cringing thinking about it - it's normally to do with my messy writing and I'm embarrassed . I used to be different but ill health and anxiety has knocked me down . I'm looking at starting a different job to make a clean break - I feel I can't get back on top ( I started there when I'll with mental health )
I want to be seen as professional competent but I don't seem to have that boundary . I'm embarrassed by me

biddy53 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:19:17

So sorry you've had such a tough time.

I agree with all the comments above but probably try not to tell people too much about yourself straight off - although it's a balance between giving some details about yourself and telling everyone the intimate details of your life.

FWIW DD always tells people she is dyslexic if she thinks it is going to impact on her work and/or their opinion of her and has always found a supportive colleague to proof read things and has generally found people are more understanding if they know. She tries to tell them at an appropriate time in a sort of jokey way rather than as the first thing she says on meeting them.

Do you declare your dyslexia on your application form? It is a recognised disability and I think they have to make reasonable adjustments. If any mistakes or bullying are related to your dyslexia, I think you would have very strong grounds for a complaint. Perhaps contact someone like Dyslexia Action for advice.

herecomethepotatoes Mon 04-Apr-16 11:04:18

What job are you starting?

I worry that when I was younger and in a job role above my years / experience and due to people above me being fired or moving on, instead of appearing weak, I went too far the other way and was actually a complete asshole to compensate for it. However, I was in control and it worked. I think it was Pratchett who said, "being in charge isn't about knowing what you're doing, it's about sounding like you do." I think that as I've matured I've reigned in my management style and whilst it's still forceful, I'd be so upset if anyone thought I was a bully or a candidate on The Apprentice.

Bullies bully because there is an aspect of their personality of which they're ashamed and they overcompensate by picking on someone they perceive as weaker. If they're challenged they usually back down. If they don't see you as weak (not that you are) then they will move on. Remember, it's all about perceptions.

1. make a list of your strengths. If anything, you will be underestimating yourself so the list should be longer. Think about how those strengths can be used in your new job and capitalise on them. If organisation is your forte then be the most organised. If it's attention to detail then find things others have missed and solve them - but don't be an ass pointing it out.

2. make a list of your weaknesses. Think how they apply to your job and how you can bypass them. 'Turning your weaknesses into strengths' is too American. Just work out how to stop them being weaknesses.

3. check in with your boss. Don't fish for compliments but make sure they know what positive contribution you're making. If you feel you need training / are under-performing in an area then tell them.

4. keep a list of things you've done successfully. Either to use in performance reviews or simply to remind yourself that you're doing well.

5. have a positive attitude. Be cheery. Walk with a stride. Shoulders back. Look up. Eye contact. Act like you went to stage school.

6. I literally kept an index card for every employee, line manager (and up) and acquaintance I may have met again professionally. Maybe a sport they played. Name of spouse. Children's interests. For peers and juniors, I also kept a list of their fuck-ups, weaknesses etc. Most was used professionally for things like performance reviews. Occasionally for giving as good as I got.

7. If someone is directly bullying you then stamp it out immediately. Take 5 minutes to plan your thoughts and then approach them. If it continues, take it to your line manager. The bully will find an easier target. If it was in front of a customer then take it to your line manager immediately. By allowing it to continue, you will stay the easy target.

8. If someone is being a bully, then sometimes the only language they will understand is their own. A phrase I used heard spoken calmly and quietly was "That was nasty, unprofessional and a disgrace. Do it again and I swear to actual fuck I will fucking..." (cue walking away with hands slightly shaking), but it worked.

9. Hire a billboard across the road from your workplace that shows you wrestling a bear. Point to it occasionally.

The interviewer wanted you there. They are the person that matters.

FrizzlyAdams Mon 04-Apr-16 11:41:20

Love number 9 potatoes grin

molyholy Mon 04-Apr-16 12:03:46

I prob do tell people to much about myself as I want to be liked

Please do not be an 'early discloser'. It's sometimes too much. I'm not saying this is you, but I once worked with a woman, who within about a week of her working with me, had told me she was abused by her ex-husband (whom she had split with about 20 odd years ago). That he used to get her drunk so he could do sexually depraved things to her. She told me her daughter had been raped by her husband (daughters husband btw) and that another daughters husband had a gambling addiction. And so it went on. I knew the ins and outs. I'd go home exhausted. I did tell her I thought she needed to speak with somebody professional.

It was too much too soon and I was so relieved when she was made redundant. People do not want to know such intimate details of colleagues.

leelu66 Mon 04-Apr-16 13:13:01

flowers for you. Your colleagues sound awful.

I would say, don't be down on yourself or belittle yourself.

People take you at your own self-worth, so if you know you're doing a good job and are confident then they will believe the same.

Don't make self-deprecating jokes about yourself.

Friendlystories Mon 04-Apr-16 13:29:54

My top tips would be to try to appear confident even if you don't feel it so shoulders back, head up, don't try to be invisible and fake it til you make it. Never apologise for yourself unnecessarily, I used to feel I needed to say sorry for my very presence sometimes, especially in a new job when you're relying on people to show you the ropes but it does mark you out as someone who can be easily belittled or walked over so try to remember you don't need to apologise for being new. I agree with other posters about the oversharing, professional relationships need to be built slowly and (and this applies equally to personal relationships) people need to earn your trust before you decide whether to give them information about yourself that could be used negatively if they turn out to be shitheads that way inclined. Try to see this as a new start, dont go in with the idea that you embarrass yourself, think about how you want to appear to your colleagues and then try to project that person. Ultimately the problems you've had in the past are down to other horrible people exploiting your lack of confidence, that says a lot more about them than it does about you but appearing confident is usually enough to stop them trying it in the first place so putting a bit of thought and effort into how you come across can't hurt. Good luck and let us know how you're getting on when you can flowers

Yellowsun11 Mon 04-Apr-16 17:42:02

Thankyou for all the advice . I will take it on board . Trial tomowow so hope I get it ( hot through interview )
Moly I advised of my disability but I don't over share like that - I also said I was a extremely young mum and this was used against me .
Thankyou tho all

Yellowsun11 Mon 04-Apr-16 17:43:01

Lee your bit about jokes hit a nerve - I do that - maybe before someone else does

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Mon 04-Apr-16 17:48:18

Why tell them you were a young mum? Keep things friendly but very professional until you know people well, then share a little bit, but nothing you wouldn't want on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.

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