AIB over-sensitive

[SexDrugsAndSausageRoll]

I know I'll get the answer I want on some areas, but what's the general opinion? Sock it to me....

DD, 3.5, is now out of nursery due to a range of issues (not bad behaviour) she was having. Noone was coping and I ended up with her back at home soon after I had a baby which was hard at first. She can be wearing, though I adore her, and whilst she's at home I was looking at groups for her to join. It's not easy, one fell through forever more the week the hot air vents came on, others I've left due to inability to join in/ not lie on the floor like a starfish whilst making hand movements. We do have good friends, but one group would be nice in lieu of nursery.

I found a local outdoors group which looked possibly viable as no enclosed space/ loud noises etc, but it's expensive and you pay for 12 weeks at a time. So I explained DD has communication difficulties and is currently out of nursery for this reason, asked if they could do a trial session as I hoped she'd be more comfortable outdoors, but it was an unknown. Totally fine if they couldn't do this, as after all they are a business.

The reply for some reason really upset me, I don't know if it's a final straw moment or the email itself....but I cried a bit when I'm normally fine. Frustration partly.

Extracts from the email:

' I will have to give priority to people who would like to book the full 12 weeks'

...I'd love to book and her enjoy it, I'm not haggling for cost savings. It's not about a whim/ like, it's about wasting over £100 for people to stare at us when she has a meltdown and won't enter.... ' I will have to give priority to people who would like to book the full 12 weeks' would be fine.

Then 'I would assume if you supported her through the sessions she would settle in that environment well'.... why even make that comment if you don't know the child? If only I support her well enough she'll be ok? Felt the usual insecurity that people presume it's a parenting issue. Then felt worse because her siblings always miss out as they won't now go either....

So, is the tone of the email a bit off? Or am I reading into nothing after a series of failed attempts to meet up with other kids for mine?

[VegasIsBest]

I think you're being a little oversensitive - understandably so.

I'd actually read that email as quite positive - they're saying that with support your daughter will settle in which is a nice welcome message.

[YesIAmMoaning]

Maybe, I read it as with MY support, I guess it seems to be everyone just steps well away from us should she need support usually.... whilst group leaders etc give their time elsewhere.

Maybe Im just at the point where I need to rant.

[RubbleBubble00]

Your. reading into it. it's a business, they want u to book the 12 wks

[RubbleBubble00]

have you looked into special needs toddler groups - more geared towards specific issues

[BackforGood]

YAB OS

I think it would be expected that any business needs to fill the places with people who want to pay for 12 weeks, and not a person who wants to try a session without commitment. That's just common sense.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I think they're trying to nicely say that as they run in 12 week cycles they can't risk booking you in for a place when you might only be able to come one week. It's a shame there isn't an option for you to drop in to a session maybe with a group that's already running or something though.

[Sexdrugsandsausageroll]

I've worked out they might not want to... And stated that. It was the tone, not the answer, that got to me.

Even if there was a sn group I couldn't take siblings and without a diagnosis anyway there'd be no access.

[MattDillonsPants]

OP has she had any sort of input from a paediatrician or specialist re the behaviour and communication issues? It sounds very hard and you need some support....it's crap of that group in my opinion and not at all inclusive.

[Hairyfecker]

I would worry more about the nursery - you are entitled to a nursery place, if your dd does have additional support needs then that is what they should be doing - working toward it at least.

[MattDillonsPants]

HAiry is right OP....was it your choice to leave the nursery?

[ElephantSuperhero]

I can understand why you are reluctant to pay the fees upfront but at the end of the day the woman is running a business, and if she were to allow you to have a trial session which didn't work out she would miss out on fees for one whole 12 week period as she probably wouldn't be able to fill the place for the remaining weeks.

I used to run fitness classes which I used to ask people to pay for in blocks of 6. I did let a couple of people try a one off session but then they tried to bend the rules and pay weekly, then those that had paid for the block would want to pay weekly too, and it all just turned into a hassle.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

It does sound a bit patronising to me; alternatively that they're trying to push OP into booking and taking a risk on it by saying she'll be fine so long as OP supports her. As she says, they don't know the child.

[ElephantSuperhero]

I'm sure it probably is a case of they just want OP to book the whole term rather than just one session.

[GingerLeaves]

I would expect them to prioritise, that's what they do don't get upset over it

[Pippa12]

My DD had EDS and was very delayed with gross motor skills. I had been attending a sensory group for a few months which my DD got little from at the time but was good to get out of the house. I casually mentioned that next time we came my DD would have turned 1 year. The leader replied 'OMG, is she 1? She doesn't do anything!?'

I was devastated at this as at the time we had no diagnosis or reason for the delay. I felt permanently guilty and sick that I was letting her down. I felt like my heart was breaking when she couldn't join in. Needless to say she is a very active 4 year old now who's determination has over come hideous challenges.

I suppose I just wanted to say that your not over reacting or being sensitive. Your trying to do the best for your DD, and when your doing your best to integrate them with their peers it often feels like the doors are shut before you turn the handle. We also removed our DD from nurseries because she was being excluded (ie: others played outside and my DD had to stay in because she bum shuffled to mobilise) The key for us was finding a great nursery, not the most expensive or poshest. With their support we found appropriate groups, the right kind of help and a supportive environment for our DD. Eventually leading to a solid diagnosis. Good luck, I know it's tough 💐

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

I think you are in a very vulnerable place and this has tipped you over the edge. I can see what is upsetting about this sentence:

'I would assume if you supported her through the sessions she would settle in that environment well'.

There is a whole host of horrible implications here if you are attuned to them - first "I would assume" has a really snotty tone in itself. It sounds so much more pompous and lofty than "I think" which would be more conversational. It is usually used when pulling people up on shortcomings, e.g. "I would assume that a group of 10 year olds would be able to use the bins" in response to finding a lot of rubbish on the floor. You are hearing that as "I would assume that ALL children can do these things with support and YOUR child is not doing well because LACKING that support"

It's also really high-handed when they don't know you or the child. They are just deciding that there will be no issues with THEIR setting for YOUR child - without really having the knowledge to make that judgement. Your child has particular needs and sensitivities. They are riding roughshod over your knowledge of that with this "I would assume...."

And also, the basic fact that they aren't making you welcome to have a look so basically, as you are unable to commit without taking a look, it feels like they're just saying "fuck off".

However. While you are Totally Allowed to be upset I want to unpick a little of this for you.

first I am sorry it is so hard for you with your lovely daughter and I am sure you are doing really well with her and she is lucky to have you.

secondly: this is a crap email written by someone who is bad at writing. It is not a lofty email deliberately written to make you feel bad by someone who thinks you are inadequate. It is a silly email written by someone who thinks that using phrases like "I would assume" is what you do when you are "in business". Destroy and forget.

Seriously. Destroy and forget. This person doesn't know you and now will never have the pleasure of meeting lovely you or your lovely daughter. Their loss.

Have a cry, have another cup of tea, take a deep breath and move on.

[DanglyEarOrnaments]

I agree with HowBad it is just something the business owner or manager has fired off quickly without giving due thought or appreciation of the very human content of this request.

They are trying to explain their situation as a business, but without the huge input of sensitivity and understanding which your request deserves, which may be beyond their capabilities to communicate within an email or at the same time may be beyond their understanding full stop.

This person's communication skill set is limited and I doubt they have meant to cause you this upset but I understand how this must come across to you and feel sorry that someone has not been able to give your feelings more consideration when putting together their explanation of why this is not a viable option for them. I am sorry someone made you feel this way and rode roughshod over your feelings in order to explain their position.

I would forget it now and just remember that they are human too with all the limitations this brings, not everyone has all of the skills required to handle every situation correctly and kindly. Hopefully this person will be in a position to hire someone else to take over the tasks that they are less than good at, such as customer enquiries.

[witsender]

I think any setting should allow a trial session, I would ask again.

[mumoseven]

I think howbad is a lovely person, what a smashing compassionate and intelligent post! I would print that off and have a little read of it whenever I felt shaky.

[Monkendrunky]

My DD has additional needs, although isn't yet of nursery age so not started this yet, however I am a teacher of children with asn and fully agree with the poster who said you are entitled to an appropriate nursery provision that meets the needs of your daughter, however complex they may be! Good luck