Am I overreacting to DP's behaviour?

(235 Posts)
Watchingnetflix Thu 31-Mar-16 22:12:23

Hi all,

Need to get a bit of perspective and trying to calm down.

DP recently lost his father a few weeks ago. We've just been away with the kids (not his, mine from previous marriage) visiting his mum, on way home my exhaust went wrong so last couple of hours driving with horrendous noise, very wearing for all. At one point i thought he was revving the engine deliberately to make more noise so I asked him to stop and he told me to stop being a fucking tit, he wasn't doing it deliberately. I apologised and said sorry. Didn't make a thing about him swearing at me but he then kept snapping when i.said anything.

Getting close to home he's was driving tol fast so i asked him to slow down a bit, got told to shut up. Ds2 had felt sick earlier after using tablet but we didn't need to stop, then he said he felt sick again so we had to stop. DP furious. Ds2 said he'd been on his tablet again but only for few mins, I did tell him that was really silly as it had made him feel sick before. Anyway, got back in car and DP screeches off, gravel spraying so I told him to calm down and not lose his temper as that won't achieve anything. He tells me to fucking shut up, stop having a go at him, fucking shut it so I just kept quiet for fear of escalating.

Anyway, when we get home he's furious, tells me he's furious with me, so I edges him outside to try to not let the kids hear. He had a huge go at me outside, saying he's furious at me for having a go at him. I was trying to be calm saying it's not on to talk to me like that and even worse totally not OK in front of the kids, hour would he feel if i spoke to him like that. He calls me a fucking cunt, he's so mad with me etc and drives off.

I text after a bit to say this is totally not acceptable to speak to me like that, scare the children (ds2 was crying after he'd left, saying he was scared DP will come home and shout at me and him) and he says I don't fully appreciate how he feels, that he's trying to be strong and he's furious with me but doesn't want to argue right now.

I'm so cross with him behaving like a child, he's spoken to me like this before but never in front of the kids and to my mind this is so unacceptable regardless of him losing his father. He'd literally go apeshit if I talked to him like that.

He says I'm beyond selfish behaving like this. I don't know how much leeway I give him over this because of his father? I know he's struggling but I'm distraught the kids went through this today. I never argued with ExH in front of kids as my folks did it really really really badly in front of me and I know how dreadful it was

Fugghetaboutit Thu 31-Mar-16 22:17:18

Lock the door and tell him to fuck off to a hotel. No excuse at all.

EverySongbirdSays Thu 31-Mar-16 22:18:47

The way he's spoken to you is verbal abuse. It's not acceptable. He needs to apologize before he crosses your door, dead father or otherwise.

OpenMe Thu 31-Mar-16 22:19:52

I think you learn a lot about people when you see how they feel with adversity. OTOH it was quite insensitive of you to ctitise his driving under such difficult circumstances, doesn't justify his behaviour but you could have maybe dealt with it better too.

FWIW, I don't think it's necessarily bad for children to hear adults arguing, it's a normal part of any relationship. Imo it's important that they see you can fall out/ get angry, work things through and move on.

ProjectGainsborough Thu 31-Mar-16 22:22:01

Well, grief can make people really angry, but I think you're within your rights to say 'I know you're upset and I'm happy to help you, but don't speak to me like that.' We can all be a bit childish when we're angry (well, I can) but someone calmly stating their boundaries would be a wake up call for most reasonable people.

It depends whether he's normally like this, I guess.

LeanneBattersby Thu 31-Mar-16 22:22:31

If my husband used the word 'fucking' and 'cunt' to me in anger and in front of my children I would leave him. I'm not exaggerating.

Hassled Thu 31-Mar-16 22:23:05

When my parents died I didn't become a verbally abusive wanker and if I had, it wouldn't have been an excuse. I hope you and your DCs are OK.

DoreenLethal Thu 31-Mar-16 22:23:06

Has he spoken to you like this before his dad died?

Did he drive off in your car?

If not, let him fuck off, and tell him to stay away if thats the way he is going to be.

magoria Thu 31-Mar-16 22:24:07

He was like it before his dad died. What was his 'excuse' then?

You need to end this relationship.

He was driving too fast, being aggressive to your children, vile and rude to you. What if he has lost control through his driving? Your or your DC could have been harmed.

It is not the first time. It won't be the last. He has shown no remorse, it is all your fault. You and your DC should not have to put up with this.

Once you give a warning, twice or more you sack him off as a bad partner.

memyselfandaye Thu 31-Mar-16 22:26:01

There's only one fucking cunt in this story, and it isn't you Watching

Watchingnetflix Thu 31-Mar-16 22:27:17

Maybe it was insensitive of me but I genuinely thought he was revving on purpose to make out louder and I had a splitting headache, I didn't snap at him though, just said can you please not do that. He does drive far too fast , I try not to say anything and he's better with the kids on the car but when he spun off I had to say something.

I'm probably quite sensitive about argueing on getting of the kids as my childhood had some deeply traumatic incidents I can remember every detail of, but I can't see any value in kids hearing adults insulting each other with swear words

cuntycowfacemonkey Thu 31-Mar-16 22:29:16

I can understand him being pissy when you told him not to rev the engine, given the circumstances he must have been beyond stressed at that point however everything after that is beyond unacceptable particularly as you say he has spoken to you like this before.

Chocolatteaddict1 Thu 31-Mar-16 22:30:05

He is out of order.

I had this with an ex, he smashed my living room up and tore the Xmas tree down because his DGM died. Stupidly I listened to his family saying it was grief.

He scared your kids. That is beyond being a cunt.

Watchingnetflix Thu 31-Mar-16 22:31:10

Yes he's done it before and I've said it's totally not OK, he's apologised profusely, hasn't happened for ages though but never in front of the kids before. He does have a right temper and my worry is when he's loses it all sense goes out the window. To my mind I'm thinking this is a last straw but should I have more compassion? I'm not feeling any tbh

Watchingnetflix Thu 31-Mar-16 22:32:47

I meant he's apologised profusely in the past.... He's not apologised now! No, he drove off in his own car when we got home

cuntycowfacemonkey Thu 31-Mar-16 22:36:27

You know it's going to happen again though don't you? You can't isolate yourselves from all the stressful events that life invariably throws at you so it's just a case of when not if. You deserve better and so do your kids

ENormaSnob Thu 31-Mar-16 22:37:29

Eurrrggghhh...get rid.

Abusive, selfish tossbag.

Dead dad doesnt excuse this imo.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 31-Mar-16 22:38:14

"he's spoken to me like this before"
Doesn't matter that he apologised profusely - doing it again means that he wasn't really that sorry and it's something he thinks is OK to do.

You say he has "a right temper". Could he have been spoiling for a fight? Did he know you had a headache from the exhaust noise? Could he have revved the engine deliberately?

"To my mind I'm thinking this is a last straw" - I'm guessing there's been a lot of incidents to prompt that thought?

WhoseBadgerIsThis Thu 31-Mar-16 22:39:19

Sod having compassion for him - he made your child afraid of him. Losing his dad would be an excuse for being a bit short tempered and snappy - NOT for the magnitude of anger and contempt he's shown you. Time to think seriously about LTB

Italiangreyhound Thu 31-Mar-16 22:39:49

I lost my Dad10 years and my Mum two months ago. I would never dream if using language like that to my dh or to anyone in front of my kids!

It's no excuse. He is behaving like a shit.

You can have compassion but make it clear he needs to deal with his temper.

Dontlaugh Thu 31-Mar-16 22:41:48

Any man or woman for that matter that ever calls me a "fucking cunt" will only ever get to do it once.
Hope that helps.
You're worth far more and so are your children. I hope this thread shows you this.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 31-Mar-16 22:45:33

Loosing yiur dad dies not give you a right to verbally abuse your. Op had every right to tell him to slow down, if he was driving too fast and unsafely. Op he does not sound too nice, you have said he has done this before.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 31-Mar-16 22:46:59

I have lost my dad, but would never ever use such disrespect to my partner, as he has shown to you. Have seen his true colours.

CanadaMoose Thu 31-Mar-16 22:50:51

I think losing his father put him in a sensitive mood to start. He probably also had a splitting headache from the car, and having it blamed on him certainly wouldn't have helped. He then had his driving and judgment criticised while a child was possibly going to be sick in the back seat. I have sympathy for him.

He should not have sworn at you though, and definitely not with the kids in earshot.

I wouldn't consider it to be a massive deal in the long run, some people struggle to communicate during hard times and regret the things they let slip during a particularly rough patch.

Watchingnetflix Thu 31-Mar-16 22:50:51

WhereYouLeftIt

I did think he was doing it on purpose because he knew I was hating it, bit I duvet know for sure obviously. It's not unlike him to spoil for a fight when he's stressed.

We've nearly split up before when he's behaved like a bloody idiot, usually very childish but he's always improved his behaviour but I don't think it's good enough after today, how can I trust this won't happen again? I feel like an utter heel telling him is over when he's at a difficult place though but my fierce mothering instincts are taking over

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