to think if someone happily announces a pregnancy, congratulations should be the only thing you say?

(59 Posts)
ollieplimsoles Thu 31-Mar-16 18:17:46

One of dsis's friends has just announced she's pregnant.

We have known her for years and she's like one of the family, she's really excited.

She's 19 and has frequent problems and break ups with her boyfriend, she's also unemployed and lives alone.

She announced on facebook with her scan pic and apart from one or two congratulation comments, the rest range from concerned to just plain mean. Lots of 'you must be joking' and 'but I thought you were trying to work it out with dp/looking for a job' one woman said ' will you be able to afford it'

She told us in person and she mentioned that she has some quite negative comments from family members.

I just feel quite sorry for her, she's really happy about it and she's just been slated really.

WorraLiberty Thu 31-Mar-16 18:20:52

Whilst I can understand the comments (not the mean ones), it's easy enough to scroll past a FB post and say nothing at all, so Yanbu.

PageStillNotFound404 Thu 31-Mar-16 18:25:15

YANBU. It's understandable to think the dubious thoughts, but voicing them at this moment in time is neither kind, helpful nor likely to make her turn to the doubters for any help she does need.

Regardless of how un-ideal her situation is right now, things can change - this may be the thing that makes her DP step up. She'll want to look back at this as a happy time, not have everyone piss on her chips because they think they know her life better than her.

ollieplimsoles Thu 31-Mar-16 19:04:49

Its the chip pissing I feel so bad about. She's had a lot of crap lately and this is a happy moment for her

PPie10 Thu 31-Mar-16 19:06:27

Tbh I wouldn't be all congratulatory about this but then again I wouldn't say anything and would scroll past.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Thu 31-Mar-16 19:10:01

Yanbu

Her family and best friends I guess are concerned for her, but their concerns should be raised privately and sensitively, not on fb. Her "friends" posting mean responses are bitches that she would be better off without

You either say congrats or say nothing on fb

Misswrite89 Thu 31-Mar-16 19:10:11

YANBU what terribly mean comments. Despite the circumstances, she's still bringing a life into this world and she's very excited about it. I also received a handful of uncongratulatory comments despite being with OH for a significant number of years and being in a stable relationship both in our late 20's. The worst was "was it planned" (none of your business) and "well, I have to say I'm ever so shocked" (so were we but you could at least say congratulations!)

notinagreatplace Thu 31-Mar-16 19:11:18

If you can't say something nice, you shouldn't say anything. I wouldn't be congratulating any 19 year old on a pregnancy - it is hard for me to see how it could possibly be a good idea for someone so young to have a child. And the unemployed, on-off relationship thing only makes it worse.

LaurieLemons Thu 31-Mar-16 19:13:13

Definitely! To post them on Facebook as well is even worse.

ollieplimsoles Thu 31-Mar-16 19:15:19

Well, speaking as someone who knows her well, we were a little worried for her but we didn't express it negatively. We said we were here if she needed anything and we were really excited.

She's not close to her mum and is an only child from a small family so she doesn't have many people to turn to.

I think on facebook people just know she is in the position she is in re her relationship and financially and commented negatively. No one offered any help though...

MintyBojingles Thu 31-Mar-16 19:16:44

YANBU. Even if people think judges thoughts they don't have to write them down. She's probably really excited, possibly making the best of a surprise situation.

Squiff85 Thu 31-Mar-16 19:18:22

Agree with PP, I can understand peoples hesitation, but would choose to not say anything, rather than say something nasty!

VoldysGoneMouldy Thu 31-Mar-16 19:19:06

There is no way that situation is something to be celebrated. Yes, maybe people shouldn't have written things like that on FB, but surely she must have known it wasn't going to be all sunshine and roses?

And I say that as someone who was a teen parent.

OvariesForgotHerPassword Thu 31-Mar-16 19:20:11

I got pregnant at 19. In a stable relationship, but unemployed (full time student). No one said congratulations (I was the whole kind of "last person you'd expect to get married" sort of girl, top grades etc - everyone was just saying "Youve thrown everything away, when are you dropping out?" (I didn't drop out and graduated top of my class, which was a little personal victory grin ).

Honestly, my lecturers saying "congratulations" when I told them was the only thing that prevented me becoming seriously depressed during the early part of the pregnancy, as I felt like everyone else expected me to fail.

That's a long winded way of saying YANBU. If people can't be nice they should just scroll past - and if people genuinely wouldn't say congratulations to someone pregnant just because they're 19, I think that's pretty rude.

alltouchedout Thu 31-Mar-16 19:21:09

When I told DM about ds3 she said "oh god", put the phone down on me and didn't speak to me for a week.

AuntieStella Thu 31-Mar-16 19:21:16

To her, only congratulations or some other positive form of words if you can't quite choke that out.

Chuntering about how she'll cope (as worries about income and housing etc might well be valid) only well out of her earshot.

Practical help to her, later on. There are several months for those close to her to do that.

ollieplimsoles Thu 31-Mar-16 19:22:20

voldy yeah she's realistic (as she can be) l just thought it was a shame to see all those negative comments on her post.

RudeElf Thu 31-Mar-16 19:22:48

Agree. If they cant say congratulations they should scroll on. Looks like they were trying to humiliate her.

Although does sound like she isnt in a great place for it if people are so publically vocal as they have been. But that just means she'll need lots of support. Not criticism and nasty commemts.

LaurieLemons Thu 31-Mar-16 19:23:17

I don't get why it shouldn't be congratulated, it's already happened. What's the point of making her feel shit about herself? I would understand if she announced she was trying for a baby.

VoldysGoneMouldy Thu 31-Mar-16 19:32:34

On a practical level - she might be outside the bracket of young mothers midwife, but at 19 would still be able to attend most young mums support (antenatal and postnatal) as they tend to cover till 21. There's been a lot of issues with the children's centers closures but they might still either have one running or have a point of contact for them if they start up again.

ollieplimsoles Thu 31-Mar-16 19:40:14

voldys I think she will be out of the bracket for a ym midwife but there is a fantastic Children's centre near us I take dd to so I know loads of support for her there.

I just think its a bit uncalled for, if someone is happy they are pregnant then congratulations are in order I always thought.

expatinscotland Thu 31-Mar-16 19:43:08

YANBU

Netflixandchill Thu 31-Mar-16 19:44:29

Fucking HELL!

I was 20 and jobless with an on off partner when i conceived DS, a month later I got a job interview and got the job, wasn't the best job ever but it was ok. 6 months after at 8 months pregnant I got another interview and got that job, a brilliant job. 18 months after DS was born I got married and conceived DD on my wedding night, we then went on to buy a lovely house where we are raising our 2 children and I'm back at work, I'm 24 now.

Please don't try and say because she's 19 it isn't good news, motherhood makes some of us and I find it so deeply insulting when people suggest a younger mother isn't capable!

Netflixandchill Thu 31-Mar-16 19:46:42

Sorry about the swearing I'm hormonal at the moment blush

junebirthdaygirl Thu 31-Mar-16 19:49:29

My ds and his gf had a baby at that stage. They knew there would be no congratulations but were just glad that everyone rowed in to support and help. Aunts bought stuff. Granny's pretended not to be shocked and baby was made welcome by all but no congratulations when news was announced. By the time baby arrived they got lots of congrats but earlier the best people could muster was don't worry everything will work out and it did.

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