Contact out of politeness or not bother?

(28 Posts)
DawnOfTheDoggers Thu 31-Mar-16 12:22:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molyholy Thu 31-Mar-16 12:29:45

Ahh, your poor DS. I would text the mum and say thanks for the invite but your little shit of a son has now said DS is no longer invited. No probs if not, but would just like to confirm.

TeenAndTween Thu 31-Mar-16 12:31:45

I would contact the mother.
"DS seems to think he's been uninvited from friend's party. He was really looking forward to it. Please could you clarify for me?"

Children can use party invites as a weapon. Child may or may not have been officially uninvited. If not, then mother deserves a chance to clear it up, if he has then mother deserves to be pulled up on it.

babyconverse Thu 31-Mar-16 12:31:49

Yes politely make sure that the mum knows what has happened as she will want to address with her son (I hope)

TeenAndTween Thu 31-Mar-16 12:32:54

I wouldn't say 'no probs if not' because it is a problem.
You don't uninvited people from things!

MothertotheLordsofmisrule Thu 31-Mar-16 12:37:21

Difficult one - could the birthday boy be doing that 'You're not my friend this week' thing and the mother is unaware of the change of mind?

I'm afraid kids are completely rubbish at understanding that everyone is different and likes different things and this is cool.

I'll happily chat about mind boggling stuff with your son, though I suspect he may lose me at some point.

He sounds like a dream to take to interesting places that don't involve a gift shop full of plastic tat.

BarbarianMum Thu 31-Mar-16 12:37:36

Please check. It's not unknown for children to try and withdraw invitations because they have fallen out, or are being mean.

Also <unsolicited advice warning> please think carefully about not seeking a diagnosis for your ds now just because he' not struggling too badly. He is struggling, and you really don't want to wait until there is a crisis to start the ball rolling.

molyholy Thu 31-Mar-16 12:37:40

Yes good point Teen. I was saying it to mean to sound blase, but you are right. It is a big deal.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule Thu 31-Mar-16 12:38:27

And what the sensible people above have said about contacting the mum.

catsinthecraddle Thu 31-Mar-16 12:42:29

If I was the mum organising the party, I would very much like to be told!

If I don't know about it, I would be judging you very badly for not turning up after accepting the invitation. It's really annoying.

I would also like to be able to discuss my child' behaviour with him, and I can't address the problem if I don't know about it.

DawnOfTheDoggers Thu 31-Mar-16 12:58:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RattusRattus Thu 31-Mar-16 13:05:21

I'd go the GP and also talk to the school about it. Surely they have noticed something?

temporarilyjerry Thu 31-Mar-16 13:08:47

Surely the school would be interested if he is the target of bullying?

AugustaFinkNottle Thu 31-Mar-16 13:11:43

The clothes things screams sensory problems, so maybe start with that? Maybe a referral to an occupational therapist specialising in sensory issues?

daisychain01 Thu 31-Mar-16 13:12:07

Dawn, not to try to put you off contacting the mum to check about the invitation, but if he were my son I would be concerned about him getting 're invited' and turning up at the party, for his young host to be horrible to him, because he doesn't want him at his party.

My DSS was that same young man, talking about Physics, the planets, chemistry from primary school onwards, and yes it can have an isolating effect because all the other kids are talking about computer games and football which DSS had no interest in whatsoever.

Instead, my DSS did lots of after school clubs and sea Cadets and made a few friends that way. At least they had things in common.

Maybe that's worth him doing in the future if he isnt already. ...

BarbarianMum Thu 31-Mar-16 13:12:50

The gp shouldn't dismiss you (although they may try to). I suggest you do two things to start. One is to go onto the NAS website and have a read through. Learn more about asd and see if it rings any bells (if it does make a list of the things that make you suspect your ds may have ASD). The other is to find out the route for investigation/diagnosis in your area. Then you can decide if you want to proceed.

If you are looking for general advice and support then try posting on the Special Needs boards on here - lots of mums of children with asd on there.

Sighing Thu 31-Mar-16 13:15:56

He sounds like my dd1. Only at home too. Never thought it is a "thing" though. As she's content at school etc.

DawnOfTheDoggers Thu 31-Mar-16 13:19:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

decisionsdecisions123 Thu 31-Mar-16 13:19:56

I would imagine there has been some sort of falling out and the words 'you're not coming to my party anymore' were said.

Sighing Thu 31-Mar-16 13:21:51

As for the invite. I'd text the question: Can you confirm ds is no longer invited to x's party so I can organise that day.
So many kids do the yes / no -in/out it's hardly a shock to parents as a question!

HelloTreacle9 Thu 31-Mar-16 13:22:27

Two things here: ditto what others have said re texting the mum. Same has happened to my DS re a friend withdrawing an invite as a little bit of playground power play, all sorted and fine a day later.

But that situ has shone a light on your concerns about your DS. And I think flagging those with GP and school is a good idea. They might dismiss you, but they probably won't, and at least then your thoughts are on the record.

It's less about wanting or needing a "diagnosis", possibly (and I'm only speaking as the relative of a delightful, bright but socially-tricky 8yo who sounds EXACTLY like your son; mum in same position and having same thoughts and worries), but about reassurance, finding out if there are any tools, techniques or therapies your DS could access to help him in more difficult situations, now or in the future, or any support or resources that are available to you.

Hope party-gate is resolved OK, and good luck with the broader stuff.

rogueantimatter Thu 31-Mar-16 13:24:21

My teenage DS has a diagnosis (Scottish centre for Autism) of 'mild' aspergers. He doesn't fit a lot of the classic descriptions either such as need for routine, lack of eye contact but tbh there is a huge cluster of symptoms - it can present very differently from one individual to another. Most people are surprised to hear of his diagnosis - though I wasn't! Mostly he's happy and manages but recently I did play the 'Asperger's card' when he almost missed an exam after incorrectly writing the time down therefore not realising he shouldn't have gone to an event in another town.......

His diagnosis and the ensuing (minor) research I've done have been very useful for me in understanding him, myself and his DF. He doesn't like the label however.

I have done and continue to do a lot of work with him on his social skills - he probably doesn't realise this. Eg I make him telephone relations to thank them for birthday money. I know he doesn't like doing it but he's not so awkward as to be allowed to not have good manners. IMO some parents use the label as an excuse to let their DC off with being a bit selfish sometimes. It's hard to get the balance right.

Is your DS into Minecraft btw? A mixed blessing... More unsolicited advice sorry, but if there's another more sociable and or more active interest your DS can develop then give it as much support as you can. Aspie children are much more likely than neuro-typical children to become addicted. Apologies if irrelevant. I hope the birthday boy changes his mind about asking your DS to his party. Children can be so horrible....

rogueantimatter Thu 31-Mar-16 13:27:55

Ooh x-posted with Daisychain!

My DS learned a musical instrument to the extent of going on short residential courses. Loves it.

ShamefulPlaceMarker Thu 31-Mar-16 13:27:58

I think you need to text so she knows what's going on. She may have no idea that your son has been univited, so for him to not turn up makes you look rude in her eyes when in fact it's her son who is rude x

Youarentkiddingme Thu 31-Mar-16 13:36:47

Sorry yiur son is upset. My DS has ASD and it's heartbreaking watching them try and fit in.

You can try and contact mum. However I've noticed more and more with DS peers that the children who do this do it because their parents support them in it. I've seen numerous texts (yes I do blame mobiles and the ability to be flaky!) saying I'm not your friend now, you can't come to X, we don't want you to come and meet us at park etc. And the parents say the child is entitled to their own opinion.

Whilst I agree no one should be forced to invite someone they don't like, isn't nice to them I do think children should be encouraged to be in company with people they don't necessarily call their best friend.

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