To expect an apology?

[Libertymae]

On holiday with DH's siblings and their children in a five bed house owned by my PIL. There are 20 of us in total - 'children' range in age from 8 to 25. First time PIL not been here (due to illness) to keep everyone in check.

DH and I sharing bedroom with 2 DSs. Little one wakes at 2am and asks me to take him to the loo. When I get up, I notice the light is on in the room my DD (age 13) is supposed to be sharing with her cousin (age 16). I look in, there is a third cousin there (age 17) and a boy on a mattress on the floor that I have never seen before, chatting. My DD is awake looking bewildered.

Turns out the two cousins (siblings) have been out to the pub and the boy is a friend from home. I say I'm not very happy about DD being woken up, or by the fact there is someone we don't know now sleeping in her room. Go back to my DH, who storms into their room, takes DD's mattress off her bed and puts it in the room we are sleeping in. He gives the cousins a piece of his mind re: thoughtlessness, DD 13, should be asleep at 2am etc. IMHO, it was moderate given the time and situation but there was some swearing. All over in less than 30 seconds.

This morning, I had (naively?) assumed there would be an apology from cousins, their parents would be a bit cross with them, and that it would all blow over.

Instead, it turns out 16 year old cousin left the house and walked a mile to his friend's house where he ended up sleeping. His parents realised he wasn't in the house at about 4am, and are furious with us for apparently intimating that friend was a rapist, and having such a go at the boys that they felt he couldn't sleep here. No mention of unreasonableness of waking a 13 yo at 2am. (BTW - Never any suggestion that friend was anything other than someone we didn't know. I did ask why they weren't sleeping in a different room, with older cousins who had also been out.)

I'm pretty gobsmacked that they think their DC's behaviour was even remotely ok! AIBU?

[wonderingsoul]

I think both are in the wrong.
Your shopping should have just asked your daughter to sleep in with you and talked bout it in the morning. I wouldn't have been happy ethier but how he went about it was wrong. And you probably would have got a lot further the next morning with the boys and their parents.

[wonderingsoul]

Your husband.. not sure why it turned it into to shopping

[mortgagefreesoon5]

YNBU. Your daughter is 13 of course she should be sleeping at that time! They should apologise, they were extremely thoughtless typical teenagers but I can't understand the parents reaction. How could they think it's OK to invite someone over, to someone else's house in the middle of the night.
Also what the cousins where doing in the pub at their age?

[Minkybinkyboo]

I think your husband was quite restrained! I would have been so cross at finding a stranger in my daughters bedroom. You put your children to bed safely and expect it to stay that way. He may have been harmless but you weren't given the opportunity to find that out. Your nephews made the wrong choice and should have apologised (imho)

[Pollyputhtekettleon]

Not okay. I'd have been very uncomfortable at 13 having a strange much older boy coming into my bedroom in the middle if the night to hang out! To be honest, it's really inappropriate and unfair on her. They should have been hanging out in the living room. Not some 1yr olds bedroom!!!

[nocabbageinmyeye]

Nope yanbu at all

[crumblybiscuits]

YANBU. I would be furious. It's a horrible situation to put your DD in regardless of who the boy was, it would have made me feel very uncomfortable at 13 having a stranger there while I was in my pj's.

[AdrenalineFudge]

I think at that hour of the morning anything goes. I still can't work out how at that age they'd spent the evening in the pub with no questions.

[MagicDucky]

YANBU it sounds as if your DH was quite restrained given the circumstances. I would have been furious! Extremely disrespectful.

It doesn't matter how old you are you don't take people back to someone else's house in the middle of the night regardless of its a holiday or not.

And ESPECIALLY not when there are children there. Your poor DD. I think they should be apologising to you and your DD. The parents should not be condoning that sort of behaviour.

[willconcern]

Totally inappropriate behaviour by the cousins. If they were my teenaged kids, I'd be really furious with them on two counts: for sneaking out to the pub (did they sneak out, or were they allowed to go?), and for bringing visiting boy back into the bedroom where 13 year old cousin was sleeping. Even if they were allowed to go to the pub, they should have gone into the lounge when they got home, and kept visiting boy there.

[Libertymae]

Thanks for the replies.
No, they didn't sneak out to the pub. Parents knew they were going with older cousins, who are 20+. I've no idea if there is a curfew for them - I know night before they got back at midnight as I heard them.
My DC are the youngest in the family so they stay home!

[SylviaWrath]

Both sides wrong. No, they should not have brought another person into the room, and they should not have woken up your kid. But they are teenagers, who don't think things through like adults. Worse, they are young teens who had been in the pub, so even less able to think about their behaviour and its impact on others.
Your DH is a grown man, presumably sober, who "stormed into their room" in the middle of the night, gave out yards to the teens plus a total stranger, swearing at them. Then two young people went out into the night to god knows where, because of his tirade. He isn't a teenager and should have been able to moderate his behaviour better.

You should have dealt with it calmly in the morning, with the parents and teens together, and simply removed your DD in the night.

[EweAreHere]

YANBU. The cousin absolutely should have known better than to bring a young man back to their room where a 13 year old was woken up/kept awake by this stranger to her.

Cousin's parents should definitely be able to see if from your perspective and have their children apologize. Inappropriate.

[whois]

You DH didn't handle it very well. Should have move the random boy down to the sofa and told the cousins they had behaved badly and it would be discussed in the morning.

[PeteAndManu]

When you say, your PIL normally keep things in check what do you mean? Is there a lot of arguing, sniping etc if they aren't? Surprised that the parents of the younger cousins didn't check they got in OK and weren't aware that they had brought someone else back. Sounds a bit petulant of the 16 yo to leave the house because they were told off. However I can see as the parents of the younger cousins it would be very worrying waking up and their child not being there, however he shouldn't have left the house and should be old enough to realise that.

[NightWanderer]

I know the room arrangements are probably tight but I don't think it's really appropriate for a 13-year-old girl to be sharing rooms with a 16-year-old boy and a 17-year-old boy, even if they are cousins. That's where the problem stemmed from. If you knew the boys were going to the pub, then it would seem common sense that your daughter was going to get woken up by them coming in.

[MattDillonsPants]

YANBU! And I don';t see anything wrong with the way the DH handled it! Why should he be moving random boys of 16 to sofas? He shouldn't! It was a ridiculous decision made by the girl in question and her parents need to apologise as does she.

[MattDillonsPants]

NightWanderer OP never said the 13 year old wa sharing with boys! She was I assumed sharing with a 16 year old girl...her cousin who brought a boy home from the pub that she knew already and he along with a 2nd cousin (male) were socialising in the room the two girls share.

[SylviaWrath]

And I don';t see anything wrong with the way the DH handled it!

You might if it was your 16 year old leaving the house in the middle of the night because an OTT man was swearing and shouting at them for waking up his pfb.

OP your 13 will be 16/17 soon enough. Hope you are ready for it doesn't sound like it

[cankles]

so there was probably a better way to handle this. The teenagers, as pointed out, only think of themselves - so you did the right thing bringing dd in with you and hubby. A chat with teenagers this morning about appropriateness of your dd sharing room with boys would have been a better way to handle it.

Hubby shouldn't have gone off on one.

[NightWanderer]

Sorry, the 13-year-old girl was supposed to be sharing with a drunk 16-year-old boy.

[NightWanderer]

She said the 16-year-old cousin walked to his friends house.

[NightWanderer]

It's confusing though. If she was sharing with a female cousin then of course it was inappropriate to bring a boy back. If she was sharing with a boy then I can see why he wouldn't think it a big deal for another boy to be there.

[MerryMarigold]

I assumed the 16yo was a girl until the comment that he walked to his friend's house. I would not allow my 13yo to share with a 16yo male cousin. No way. The other boy is a red herring.

[hownottofuckup]

I wouldn't expect my 16 yr old to walk out in the early hours because an adult family member had pointed out he was being a thoughtless twat tbh.
Which ever way I look at it, the older teens were in the wrong.