Friend's 50th birthday

(19 Posts)
Tink06 Mon 28-Mar-16 23:50:30

My best friend is 50 this year. We usually have a girls party weekend abroad most years but this time everyone has dropped out. It just leaves me her and my sis. Sis can't afford it (recently seperated) but she has offered to pay (although sis feels she would have to pay it back although it will be at a tenner a week). She really doesnt want to do that. Thing is I really can't afford it either. Have just moved to a bigger house - no idea this was on the cards but had no choice. Am totally skint now - moving has wiped us out -and have not got a spare £600 (weekend plus spending money). We are struggling to pay for a family holiday which is already booked.
Other reasons are this friend parties all night and doesn't surface until tea time - not a problem in a crowd but when there is just a few of us will be a major problem.
The other is although I love Dsis dearly but when alcohol is in the mix we are highly likely to have a massive row - happened every holiday but again not a problem in a crowd.
She is having a day out in England and sis tried to talk her into making that a weekend instead. Loads more would go as not half as expensive. That would be much more affordable for me and sis. Friend wouldn't have any if it though.
Aibu for saying I can't afford it? I really can't but feel so bad. Friend pointed out she has always gone on hen do's, birthdays etc. Then again she hasn't got any kids (everyone else has), works full time and has no mortgage. She has always gone because she wants too not through a sense if duty. Am prepared to be flamed here - just wanted opinions. I am really torn.

EveryoneElsie Mon 28-Mar-16 23:54:51

If you cant afford it then you cant afford it. Work out something different to do that doesnt cost £600 each and wont result in a row, and if she cant accept it, then it sad but tough.

grapejuicerocks Tue 29-Mar-16 00:17:55

That sounds a recipe for disaster. Don't do it.

grapejuicerocks Tue 29-Mar-16 00:19:01

Can you and dsis agree to make the excuse that you don't want to go with each other?

Tink06 Tue 29-Mar-16 13:46:38

We have tried - my dsis is a nightmare when she has had a drink, especially with me. We barely spoke on the last holiday and ended up not speaking for months afterwards. Not the only occasion either. I vowed then never again. Bizarrely we get on really well usually.
Am going to have to tell her I can't go. Feel awful but my family comes first when it comes to prioritising money. Have buried my head in the sand as it hasn't been mentioned for ages so was hoping she had changed her mind anyway.

EveryoneElsie Tue 29-Mar-16 13:47:38

Ugh that sounds like a huge dramatic mess...

Kidnapped Tue 29-Mar-16 13:54:11

Can you invite your friend to your new house for a couple of days instead?

Maybe have a barbecue or something?

specialsubject Tue 29-Mar-16 14:08:44

four words, 'sorry, can't afford it'. No excuses needed.

those are the facts. Bleating and whining don't change facts. And a weekend with a piss-head sounds really dull.

Floggingmolly Tue 29-Mar-16 14:12:33

Friend wouldn't have it... Just tell her you're not going this year. It doesn't matter how many years you've been doing this for; this year you don't want to and that's ok. You're not under contract to her.

Eustace2016 Tue 29-Mar-16 14:31:14

I never understand these thingsl. I just say no and I do it all the time if I don't want to do something. Is it just a personality issue - some of us have no trouble saying no and other's can't./ Just say no to her. Why go if you can't afford it - it's unfair on your children. Why should the friend come above your children and family and family finances?

Gatehouse77 Tue 29-Mar-16 14:51:36

four words, 'sorry, can't afford it'. No excuses needed.

^ this.

There are very few things I would even consider putting myself in debt for or a financial strain and this ain't one of them!

It doesn't feel great but nor would (potentially) simmering resentment about spending money you doing have. And whilst I would feel bad, I would not feel guilty.

JapanNextYear Tue 29-Mar-16 14:53:52

I think you are just going to have to say you can't afford it - and offer an alternative that's fun and cheaper that others have signed up to. And try and plan something for next year abroad maybe...

TiffanyAtBreakfast Tue 29-Mar-16 15:00:46

I'm with Eustace and I never understand this sort of thing - Just say "So sorry but I can't afford a big blow out this year, why don't we go for a meal / go to a spa / have drinks locally to celebrate instead?"

IMO as long as you aren't cancelling on her altogether there should be no issue. I would hate to think I was dragging a close friend along to do something that would bankrupt her just for my birthday.

Nanny0gg Tue 29-Mar-16 15:55:40

If you can't afford it, you can't go.

However We usually have a girls party weekend abroad most years but this time everyone has dropped out.
Surely her big birthday isn't a surprise, so should have been anticipated? So I can see that as everyone has dropped out she is likely to be hurt.

How good a friend is she?

ZanyMobster Tue 29-Mar-16 18:17:00

YANBU if you really can't afford it however I would be really hurt if I was your friend as presumably you all knew in time to be saving a small amount each month if you've always done this. Can you not be honest with her about it all rather than skirting round the issues. Tell her about your sister and the fact that you don't want to party all night etc, if she's a good friend surely she'd understand.

Vintage45 Tue 29-Mar-16 18:31:37

Stop projecting (blaming your sister) be totally honest with your friend and suggest a cheaper alternative.

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 Tue 29-Mar-16 18:46:17

Life has a way of creeping up on one. Its crept up on best friend last of all. It will creep up on dsis too one day.

If you have got it together why be led astray.

Tink06 Tue 29-Mar-16 22:23:22

Have decided I can't afford it no matter what so am going to suggest party weekend in England to coincide with the day out. It will still be a great way to celebrate, more people will come and it will be at least half the cost of a weekend abroad. Not ideal but unfortunately all I can do this year.

HeddaGarbled Tue 29-Mar-16 22:55:41

How about you throw her a party? You organise it all, make sure all your friends are there, provide her favourite food including some funny things from when you were young (cheese and pineapple on sticks stuck into a tinfoil covered grapefruit, curly wurlies etc), do a lot of meaningful things like put together a slideshow of photos of her milestones and your friendship through the years, set to the music she liked at each time. Make a memento book for her to keep.

Then it costs less, everyone can come but she can see that you have put effort and thought and affection into commemorating this big birthday.

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