to not contact DP on his birthday tomorrow?

(171 Posts)
Mumoftheark Mon 28-Mar-16 21:38:44

Hiya, my fiancé is in the military and since September has not had a full weekend home. (He also works away Monday - Friday). We have 2 children aged almost 4 and 1. He was given good Friday off and had hyped our eldest up the previous week saying he was going to be at home etc etc. Friday comes and he says as its his birthday on Tuesday his mum wants to spend the day with him - not a few hours THE DAY! He has a seriously unhealthy I would say co dependent relationship with his mum. When she doesn't get what she wants she stamps her feet and puts the worst guilt trips on him until he either buys her flowers or finds a ridiculous way to make her happy - I feel like he has a wife sometimes!
Anyway he went to his mums straight from his camp and arrived at 10.30am. I asked what time he would be home and he said not until after the kids had gone to bed, so tell our eldest I'll be home tomorrow angry my DS spent most of good Friday crying because daddy said he was coming home and didn't.

When he got home around 8.30pm - kids sleeping I was in a mood (I think rightfully). He totally didn't understand why. The bad atmosphere went into Saturday morning. I was getting christened on Saturday evening - something really important to me, also something I needed to go for us to marry in our church as planned in December. After a few back and forth comments on Saturday about the previous day (nothing major) he got up and said I don't need this I'm going. He got up packed his bag and went back to work. Our DS sobbing! I honestly thought he was just going to cool off, but he didn't come back, he missed my Christening, and I'm absolutely devastated.
I haven't heard from him since.

It's his birthday tomorrow & I know he's not contacting me because he knows I "have to" get in touch then. It's not even about tit for tat, but I'm so hurt I don't think I can bring myself to get in touch with him tomorrow - birthday or not. I don't know what to say to him. Iv tried all day to think of what to text him and I have no words.

Our youngest has come out in chicken pox today (expected - our eldest is coming to the end of his). I feel I should tell him - also saying that he should be getting in the phone to see how his children are.

Any advice?

Should I be calling to say happy birthday tomorrow?
AIBU in this situation?

Help please xxx

SingingSamosa Mon 28-Mar-16 21:41:30

I can't believe he's treated his own children like this. I know it's horrible for you too but his behaviour towards his kids is appalling. Poor poor things sad

icelollycraving Mon 28-Mar-16 21:41:36

I wouldn't. If your children want to say happy birthday then I think it's right that you let them. For him to miss your Christening is awful. The mum scenario is odd as well. Yanbu.

strawberrypenguin Mon 28-Mar-16 21:42:38

I wouldn't call him. I wouldn't marry him either. What a horrible way to treat your 4yo (and you)

Chillyegg Mon 28-Mar-16 21:42:45

Bloody hell is he usually such a wank badger?
Do you actually want to get married to someone like that?
Personally I don't know if I could text the fucker happy birthday but then I'm a mardy bitch. However if you want the high ground I'd text happy birthday from the kids. But I wouldn't be bothering g with a fan fair when he couldn't be arsed with his own son .

Lunar1 Mon 28-Mar-16 21:42:53

To be honest I'd just be dropping all his stuff at his mums. That was a disgusting way to treat his children.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Mar-16 21:43:38

You are marrying this guy ?

Fishface77 Mon 28-Mar-16 21:43:47

Don't marry this fucker!

Jenijena Mon 28-Mar-16 21:44:03

You don't really want to marry this man do you? Regardless of how he treats you, how he treats his kids is something else...

BirthdayBetty Mon 28-Mar-16 21:45:31

What an arsehole angry

smellsofelderberries Mon 28-Mar-16 21:45:57

Why are you marrying this guy? shock YANBU, but I would call and let your kids talk to their Dad.

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 28-Mar-16 21:47:39

Don't contact him, and don't marry him.

ScarletForYa Mon 28-Mar-16 21:47:57

What a dick. I couldn't be doing with this nonsense OP.

Don't marry him. It'll be a nightmare.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 28-Mar-16 21:47:59

Don't fucking marry this man!

Prick. Seriously. Don't.

CakeNinja Mon 28-Mar-16 21:49:16

Yanbu.
He sounds frankly horrible. You do not treat kids that way. You don't treat your future wife that way.
Selfish and arrogant are the words springing up here. And a few choice others aswell.
I wouldn't be contacting him other than to tell him some home truths.

blublutoo Mon 28-Mar-16 21:51:05

Oh my goodness. I honestly hate all these threads where people say LTB. But honestly I am gobsmacked and would not want to be with a man like that! how can you be with someone who treats his very small children like that?

AlpacaLypse Mon 28-Mar-16 21:51:37

He's an arse. Take his kit over to his mums. Binbag on doorstep. Change the locks, assuming he's ever developed enough energy to get keys to your home in the first place. And get a court order for financial maintenance for the children he seems to be incapable of looking after emotionally.

Creampastry Mon 28-Mar-16 21:53:12

Text him tonight about your dc having chickenpox but don't say happy birthday or anything else tomorrow. He's a selfish twat.

starry0ne Mon 28-Mar-16 21:53:53

I wouldn't..... what are the plans for when you marry? are you planing to move to be with him...

He needs to understand how his behaviour is affecting the children.. Your relationship needs sorting out before marriage...Has anything changed ..Have things deteriorated recently or have things got worse?

Mumoftheark Mon 28-Mar-16 21:54:07

Lol I love your replies thank you.

When it comes to his mum - yes he's always an asshole. We hardly argue ever and have a pretty good relationship - when it comes to his mum he's pathetic and always always chooses her and meets her needs over anyone else's.

We have been together 11 years and our main issue is and always has been his mum.

Our children both absolutely adore him, my DS was so upset on Friday .... And then Saturday it broke my heart. Let me down - I'll get over it, but when it comes to my kids I will kill you.

Since Saturday Iv been thinking if I truly want to marry him. The christening was so important to me, and I still can not believe that he didn't come. It was also a total embarrassment. I'm at the point where I want to explode and tell him to F off forever, but am trying to stay calm and handle it properly so I don't regret what I say.

BooAvenue Mon 28-Mar-16 21:54:58

How old are your kids and are they his?

Also how old is he?

I'm a military wife myself and I know full well how dickish some of the men can be.

Mumoftheark Mon 28-Mar-16 21:56:58

BooAvenue, our eldest will be 4 next month, our youngest is 19 months. They are both his

DoreenLethal Mon 28-Mar-16 21:57:17

Well he clearly loves mummy more than you and the kids. If this isn't a big enough red flag then love, you really will be sleepwalking into a bad marriage.

Mumoftheark Mon 28-Mar-16 21:57:38

He is 32 tomorrow (12 when it comes to dealing with his bratty mother)

RJnomore1 Mon 28-Mar-16 21:57:47

Op it's one thing he pisses you off but you can't marry someone who treats his own children like that.

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