Child calling and texting all the time.

[LovelyBath]

DS (11) got his first phone for his birthday a few weeks ago. He's given his number to some children from school. Over the weekend we've had one boy constantly calling and texting, saying 'call me back' etc asking on trips right now etc.

I've kind of left it to see how my son handles it, rather than doing anything (but am itching to text back "This is X's mum please stop ringing" (so embarrassing).

So, he's diverting the calls to answerphone, but it's still annoying. What can we do?DS 'doesn't want to upset him' (child is from a difficult background so allowances are made for behaviour etc at school as recently adopted).

AIBU to just leave it? Or should I be doing more....

[LovelyBath]

Oh blimey it's going off again!

[LovelyBath]

Both mine are in bed (7 and 11) I think that's too late to be calling. DS says he's dealt with it by turning the phone off now but he shouldn't have to do that. I asked if he wanted me to speak to the dad but he said no.

[TeenAndTween]

1. Turn your DC's phone off now given it is nearly 9pm. Presumably phone is out of room and off over night?
   
2. Do you have contact details for AC's parents? If so then an intervention might be helpful. Say he is being a bit full on and your DS is finding it overwhelming, and please can they help him to not contact so much?
   
3. Thank you for making allowances. 11 is old to be adopted. I am slightly surprised his APs aren't keeping more of an eye. but they may just be relieved he has made a friend.
   
4. Maybe discuss with your DS how he feels about it, and offer guidance? I would suggest agreeing a day/time to meet up, but say busy before then so won't be able to reply / take calls much.

[TeenAndTween]

x-post.

[LovelyBath]

Thanks TeenandTween. Yes wonder why the dad isn't keeping more of an eye. I do see the dad after school (seems to just be the dad not sure about a mum or whether is another dad?- possibly a gay couple) sometimes though he seems to collect before everyone else recently.

Am quite surprised DS is handling it OK. Not rushing to do as he's asked etc. However he doesn't want me to speak to the dad and I son't want to go behind his back. I guess I'll see how it goes over the next few days.

[TeenAndTween]

Speaking for my DD, placed with us aged 8, it is a massive upheaval. new home, new parents, new school, new friends. But that also means losing your home, losing your parents & foster carers, losing your school, losing your friends. He could be clinging on to any offer of friendship, and not know appropriate boundaries and thus being too pushy etc.

Or of course he could be a 10/11yo with a new toy and just not managing it very well yet.

I would look at rules for phone use in your house though. We said kids phones couldn't come on days out as they should be enjoying the here and now not sending random texts. (But then I see a mobile as a useful tool, not something to be ruled by).

[LovelyBath]

That's a good idea. Also teaching how to manage stuff for the future (I mean might be a good rule for adults too to leave it behind once in a while!).

Interesting to hear things from an adoptive parent's perspective too. I have to admit i did sigh a bit when it started as this child is known as 'trouble' and has nearly been expelled on several occasions due to behaviour, he can be quite violent. I'm unsure about the dad.Seems to kind of be there in the background only getting involved if things get very difficult. (I've observed after school as the kids play in the park next to school). DS is quite thoughtful of others and how they feel, quite sensitive and glad he's kind of standing up for himself.

[TeenAndTween]

Irrespective of background, adoption is a massive conflict of emotions I think.
Relief at having stability
Guilt at feeling happy
Worry about birth parents
Anger at having to need new parents
Anxiety about being 'good enough' for new parents

Some kids coming through care can have extreme watchfulness, forever in a state of fight or flight. Learned behaviour over time is so instinctive it takes years to undo even if the thinking part of the brain knows they are now safe.

All of this could explain behaviour at school even before you go into specific reasons for needing adoption.

Now add in that at 10/11 a child naturally starts to detach from parents and look to peer group. Fine in a well attached child, not great for a child who only recently came to a family.

Sorry, none of this is your issue to deal with. Just support your DS with managing his new phone as best as possible. Be tolerant of new friend, but your DS is your priority.

[LovelyBath]

I understand and I do feel for the child. I hope the dad/s give him some security and boundaries to help him along.

[waffilyversati1e]

You could arrange for child to come over for tea and just mention your groundrules such as no calls after 8pm or whatever. That might be enough tbh.

[LovelyBath]

This came up at parents' evening yesterday, and the teachers were glad to know more about it. There is a problem with this child getting obsessed with other children in the past and they are keen to ensure it is stopped. In case it happens to someone else. they just said it is a more of a class teacher's problem to deal with so unsure what they will do but anyway DS put a block on the number on his phone so hopefully it is over now. It was even happening during the school day when the child was off, but he had it on silent.