To not leave EBF baby with MIL?

(163 Posts)
Tallulahoola Mon 28-Mar-16 20:46:00

DS is 4 months and EBF. He is a total bottle refuser. I would like him to take a bottle so DH can do the odd feed but tbh I don't really mind because I had such a miserable time trying to BF my DD (who is now 3) including hospital visits because she wasn't putting on weight so now I just feel relieved to have a baby who BFs well. I figure he will take a bottle eventually once I've weaned him she says hopefully

So MIL is coming to stay. She is very needy with DD and DS, wanting to spend every second with them when she's here (and I do mean every second - she once burst into tears when DD said she wanted to walk to the corner shop with me for all of 5 minutes instead of play another game of dollies with MIL).

DD is invited to a birthday party when MIL is here. I told DH and was fully expecting him to say she couldn't go because he humours MIL a lot, but surprised me by saying she could. Then he said "It'll be nice for you because you can leave DS at home with me and MIL while you go to the party." I said that no, I was planning to take DS with me (I have done this to other parties, other mums with babies do too and it's no problem) because we will be away for 3-3.5 hours at a time of day when DS feeds every 2 hours so he needs to be with me. DH kept saying it would be fine. I said DS would scream the place down because he'd be hungry and DH said "Oh, my mum would like to soothe a crying baby."

So I said we would make a concerted effort in the next few days to offer DS a bottle, and if he starts taking one then of course I can leave him. Cue DH giving him a bottle and of course it got refused. He kept trying to give it and DS got more and more upset DH then said "Right, he's not getting fed until he drinks out of a bottle, we're going to wait until he's so hungry he hasn't got a choice" and took him out in the buggy. By the time they came back DS hadn't eaten for more than 4 hours, refused the bottle again and by this point was hysterical. It took me ages to calm him down enough to BF.

DH never behaves like this normally and has never cared either that DS is EBF. He is doing this because he knows MIL will be distraught at spending 3 hours without a child on her lap. I know the alternative is for DH to go to the party and me stay at home with MIL and DS but DD always wants me to go to parties with her. And I don't want to take MIL with us because that would be odd and also I'd like to step out of the house without her for a bit. And I'm not precious about DS, when she's here she can spend plenty of time with him.

I genuinely don't know AIBU to feel I shouldn't leave him? I suppose the worst that can happen is that he is hungry and cries for 90 minutes, which isn't the end of the world. But I would be at the party worried about him and imagining him crying.

RubbleBubble00 Mon 28-Mar-16 20:48:16

let Dh take her to the party

Geordiegirl79 Mon 28-Mar-16 20:51:57

If it's going to distress you, I would say take him with you. I'm sure MIL will cope for a couple of hours! It can be so stressful trying to get them to take a bottle when you are EBF and you don't need this extra pressure. It's only a few hours then you can pass him back to MIL for extra cuddles. (Lovely that you have a MIL who takes such an interest as well!) smile

YouTheCat Mon 28-Mar-16 20:52:15

I think leaving a hungry baby to cry for that long is bloody awful and your dh and his mother should be ashamed of themselves.

You go with your dd and your ds. Get your dh to take his mother out for a while so she isn't fretting.

This possessive crap over babies really pisses me off. You are feeding child - does she not realise that?

moanyhole Mon 28-Mar-16 20:52:33

Your baby will need you and your dd needs to understand that she cannot always have you instead of your dh. Your dh should bring her to the party. Your barmy MIL needs to sling her hook

NeedACleverNN Mon 28-Mar-16 20:52:48

Yanbu. Your mil can cope for 3 hours.

Your dh is a dick for making your ds go over hungry to try and force him to accept a bottle

Geordiegirl79 Mon 28-Mar-16 20:54:02

Actually, a good alternative would be for DH to take her to the party, as said above - it's probably good for your DD that it's not always you taking her as at some point that might not always be possible.

Mumoftheark Mon 28-Mar-16 20:54:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think it sounds like your MIL has unhealthy attachment issues which she needs to deal with. Tell MIL the plan in advance if she doesn't like it she can come another day. Don't let your little one suffer because of anyone else - even for 90 mins. You are the mum, even your husband won't understand that bond. 4 months is so tiny, why should a baby have to be hungry and distressed because of a grown women's behaviour. Of course nothing major will happen but it's in necessary stress to you and your bubba. Stick to your guns xxx

Dixiechickonhols Mon 28-Mar-16 20:54:51

Could dh and mil take dd to party? You stay home with baby. Nice for mil to see dd st party and you get a few hours peace.

Coldtoeswarmheart Mon 28-Mar-16 20:58:50

YANBU. Blimey. MIL threads often make me grateful for my own MIL and this one really, really makes me happy to have my own.

Tallulahoola Mon 28-Mar-16 21:01:29

Thank you everyone. The whole thing is stressing me out, particularly because DH is not normally horrible but really was over this and it's because his mum being possessive over DCs always makes things tense. I should also have mentioned that MIL dislikes the idea of breastfeeding (nobody in her family has ever done it) so won't understand the concept of a baby who won't take a bottle

ArmfulOfRoses Mon 28-Mar-16 21:02:43

Your husband let his tiny son scream in hunger so that his mother doesn't have to go a couple of hours without a baby on her lap?

jacks11 Mon 28-Mar-16 21:05:28

YANBU

Your MIL sounds bonkers. If you want to take DD to the party to get some space from MIL and because you are EBF you need to take your DS, then your should do so and your MIL will just have to put up with it. She is an adult, and surely can cope with not getting her own way/having a little disappointment for a short time during her visit?

From what OP says it seems like it will only be 3-3.5 hours out of her total visit- it's not like OP is saying her MIL can't spend any/much time with the children.

Of course, you could get your DH to take her and you stay with DS and MIL, if you want to. However, if you don't want to do this then I really don't see why your MIL gets to dictate what happens with your children and your childcare arrangement. Maybe you should stop appeasing her quite so much- I think you may be making a rod for your own back if you always give in to what MIL demands/wishes re your DCs.

As for your DH- his behaviour was pretty crap, TBH. I get that he wants his mum to be happy but to do that to a young baby is not really on.

nephrofox Mon 28-Mar-16 21:06:24

DH and MIL SERIOUSLY have their priorities wrong.

Look after your babies, looks like their not very capable of it

TinklyLittleLaugh Mon 28-Mar-16 21:07:33

Lock your DH in a room without food for 12 hours or so and offer him something he finds really really unpleasant as his only form of nourishment.

What an absolute knobber.

SquinkiesRule Mon 28-Mar-16 21:08:33

Your Dh is a dick. If he tries to push the issue again, tell him that you are sure he can sooth a fussy mil for a few hours, she won't cry the place down or be to upset to eat like the baby would be.
My second baby refused all bottles, but he smiled while he sucked and spat the milk all over the place, I don't think a single drop went down his throat. Smart baby.

PovertyPain Mon 28-Mar-16 21:09:00

Your husband needs to get his head out if his arse and realise that his baby's happiness is more important than husband mother's. Starving a tiny baby to keep his mother happy! Ffs! I would have went through him for a shortcut. angry

Go to the party and take your baby with you. Your husband can spend one to one time with his mother dealing with her melodramatic tantrum.

Cuppaand2biscuits Mon 28-Mar-16 21:09:05

Your mil and your husband need to learn now that children aren't possessions. They are little people with needs and wants that should be respected.
Stop bending over backwards for her you're making it worse. I say this as someone who finally stood up to my mil after 3 years and although it was horrible that I'd hurt her feelings the sense of relief was enormous for both me and my partner.

PestilentialCat Mon 28-Mar-16 21:09:59

She "likes to soothe a crying baby" hmm

When DS was tiny, newborn really, DMIL mentioned she hadn't heard him cry yet & then was weirdly pleased when he started crying a while later because he was hungry & I hadn't quite anticipated him I tried really hard to never hear him cry because I had PND & it freaked me out

ptumbi Mon 28-Mar-16 21:10:07

You (the parents) would really let your tiny baby cry for 90 minutes, just to appease a grown woman? Who will presumably have plenty of opportunity to see him, feed him, cuddle him in his life?

hmm

Quodlibet Mon 28-Mar-16 21:11:48

So it would be good to have baby cry because MIL would enjoy soothing him??? Wtf.

Agree with pp - this possessive crap over babies is ridiculous and needs challenging, not accommodating.

PunkAssMoFo Mon 28-Mar-16 21:12:11

It's time to put a stop to this nonsense op.... you can't go on with her dictating every time she visits.

oncetwicetwotimesamummy Mon 28-Mar-16 21:13:13

YANBU
Sounds exactly like my MIL, stands there with her arms out as soon as I take baby off the boob saying I'll take them now. All sorts of comments about how they should take a bottle so she can have a go.
I ignore her.

Tallulahoola Mon 28-Mar-16 21:14:03

Mumoftheark* there are definitely attachment issues. Essentially she wanted loads of kids but for various reasons only ended up with one and as a result got fixated on the idea of grandchildren. Before we had DCs she would talk about children shed met once or twice as if they were her own. It's sad but has manifested itself in some pretty awful behaviour

Noctilucent Mon 28-Mar-16 21:14:11

Good fucking grief. Your DH isn't thinking straight and if my DH behaved like that, he would get a rocket and a one-way ticket to his mother's.

Your baby's needs trump your MIL's, and if your DH cannot understand that, he needs a reality check. It is not unusual for EBF babies to refuse bottles if they have not been introduced early (usually before six weeks). You can try to cup feed but it can be messy at four months.

Take your daughter to her party and take your son too. Enjoy it. Sorry that your MIL is not supportive of breastfeeding.

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