Should I insist on paying? (another hen do one!)

[singme]

Another wedding/hen do one I'm afraid!

I've been reading loads of Mumsnet threads about weddings so I may be over-thinking this.

My friends are spread out all over the country, as I'm sure many people's are. I'm getting married in mine and H2B's home city in the summer, so most people have parents they can stay with or don't live too far away themselves. It's a small do, on a Saturday, everyone coming to every part of the day as lots of people will be travelling.

I always wanted a night out in my home city for my hen, nothing fancy, seeing as I've got so many memories there and it's also a really good city to go out in! However with everyone being so spread out I wasn't sure I'd even have a hen do.

However unanimously my friends were keen for a hen. One friend, let's call her Emma, was constantly emailing ideas about European destinations! In the end I said I'd just like a fairly central UK hen do that people can hop on the train or drive to, but please no one be obligated to come.

My cousin, let's call her Louise, offered to organise the whole thing! I actually said we'd do it together but she said that's no fun! I chose my home city as a base as then a lot of the guests have the option of staying with their parents. Louise has sorted accommodation for whoever would like it.

I've heard (through spies!) that the cost of the whole hen is £130 for 2 nights and I think a couple of meals although don't know the details. I obviously contacted Louise and offered to transfer my share but she said they'd all agreed to cover it which is amazing!

Now I've heard that Emma is saying it's too expensive and she can't afford it and it's ridiculous she is expected to. I understand if she can't afford it but why all the suggestions for going abroad? And also her parents live in the city we are going to so she could stay with them.

Feel a bit guilty I haven't paid so wondering if I should insist or if I should pay for some aspect of the hen so it's cheaper?

Also feeling sad that close friends feel so obligated despite knowing me really well and knowing that I understand and can't wait to see them at the wedding instead.

[miraclebabyplease]

I think Emma is moaning for moanings sake. It sounds like you have been very thoughtful about not putting too much pressure on people.

[CalleighDoodle]

If she could get a deal for not mich lore abroad incan see why she would be less keen to spend almost the same on going home. Let your cousin sort it.

[CalleighDoodle]

Not much more

I can see

terrible typing

[PoppieD]

Oh the fun-ness of hen planning! If you really feel bad, maybe you could set up some drinks on the table, fizz/cocktails or pay for taxis between venues? Hendos like weddings really bring out unreasonable in some! (Emma!)

[singme]

CalleighDoodle I didn't think of it like that! I just thought it would be easier for most people to stay in the UK and it's still an excuse to get together. I do see your point though, but I would love to go on holiday with friends another time!

It's not actually where Emma grew up or lives now but her parents moved there so it's not as familiar to her as it is to me and a few others.

[singme]

Good idea PoppieD. I'll get some bottles in for the table (if everyone is drinking) and maybe a taxi kitty to take the stress off!

[hilbil21]

Emma has just spat the dummy you aren't going abroad. I'm not paying anything for my hen but I am putting £100 in a kitty for drinks while we are there X

[diddl]

It does sound as if she's pissed off that the hen do isn't what she wanted

That said, it already seems to be quite a bit more than just a night out in your home town!

[lorelei9here]

to be honest, I think item 1 is - organise it yourself. Otherwise you hear of issues "through spies" or you don't hear about them at all and remain oblivious to any problems.

as you're clearly a considerate person, you will want to know of any problems. It's a bit late now perhaps but can you be sure that no crazy stuff will be organised - e.g. nude model sketching (yes really and I mention it particuarly because it did make one mate of mine hugely uncomfortable) and you won't know any of this.

also, yes, if you can afford to pay for stuff, you pay for stuff. It's your hen after all.

maybe Emma's circumstances changed?

[lorelei9here]

OP "Also feeling sad that close friends feel so obligated despite knowing me really well and knowing that I understand and can't wait to see them at the wedding instead."

how did that happen - do you think Louise put pressure on them? Do you think it's worth calling and chatting to them to reassure them it's not an obligation?

[singme]

I think Louise has worked really hard to get the balance right so I don't think she would put pressure on anyone.
To be honest it's only Emma that has caused problems and she has form for this. Her circumstances haven't changed, in fact improved, but she doesn't earn very much which is why I was surprised about all her suggestions. I think I'll ring her anyway for a chat and make sure everything is ok.

My whole idea was to have a hen that people could come to as much or as little as they liked and would be within 1-2 hours travel of everyone (except me which is more like 6 hours drive as I moved to the other side of the country!). But I guess everyone is different and wants different things! I'm thinking the majority of the guests are looking forward to it though! As am I! But yeah I'm going to make a financial contribution somehow!

[GoldPlatedBacon]

I expect Emma is moaning because that £130 could have been a significant part towards a weekend abroad. In some respects I kind of understand where she is coming from, I wouldn't be too keen on spending that much for a hen in my home town whereas i'd be happy to pay a couple of hundred more to go abroad but if it was a very close friend I'd suck it up.

But no, you don't need to pay. It's fairly standard to pay for the bride's share (unless she is doing something crazy like a cruise )

[Lottie2611]

Could be worse. The wedding could be all the way in Maui or somewhere !

[lorelei9here]

this will seem a bit nuts but coming from a perspective of having heard everything... I wonder if Emma made all those suggestions to show an interest and then planned to say later "I can't afford it"...or planned to make it her holiday abroad for the year.

Also £130 presumably doesn't cover travel or anything else? I don't go abroad much and when I first looked at decent hotels in the UK I was stunned at the cost. My sister is currently sunning herself abroad and the hotel is so luxurious I couldn't believe the price - about 1/3 of what a nice hotel here would be and it's half board as well.

so yes, there is a possibility that Emma is thinking her money isn't going towards anything.

Glad you are putting money in the kitty. I look back on that wedding time of life and see now that only a genuine fear of losing friends prevented from saying no!

[GirlOverboard]

I agree with GoldPlatedBacon. She's thinking that if she's going to spend £130 on a weekend away, she'd rather go somewhere exciting in Europe than a city in the UK that she's visited loads of times before. And depending on where you live, Europe doesn't have to be more expensive. I live five minutes from Stansted Airport, and it's much cheaper to buy a return flight to Sweden then get a 30 minute train ride into London and back.

But anyway, that's irrelevant as you obviously don't want to go to Europe. In your position I would probably offer to pay some of her costs.

[mrsjskelton]

I think Emma just hasn't got her way and doesn't want to pay if it's not her preference. Ignore it.

[Baboooshka]

What does the £130 include? If you have to add travel costs, drinks, and the bit they're paying towards your share, it could be closer to £200. I can see why someone would think they'd prefer to spend that sort of money on an actual holiday (I'm not advocating international hen parties, though, which are the devil's own work).

Is there any reason it has to be two nights? TBH, all these extended, multi-activity 'do as much or as little as you like' affairs tend to get complicated and you still end up paying more than you'd like. Couldn't it just be a 'meet in X for drinks, dinner, more drinks' thing?

[lorelei9here]

I read this too quickly, sorry, Babooshka made me realise (Thank you Babooshka)

OP "I've heard (through spies!) that the cost of the whole hen is £130 for 2 nights and I think a couple of meals although don't know the details. I obviously contacted Louise and offered to transfer my share but she said they'd all agreed to cover it which is amazing!"

ah, so there's a lot of additional costs plus the hens are paying for you.

I think it's time to wrestle back control of this thing....depending on where it is, could there be train fares, cabs, other meals, drinks, and that's before they've paid for you....also if you've heard "through spies" it might not be £130, it might be more even before those costs are added on.

[lorelei9here]

mrsjkelton "I think Emma just hasn't got her way and doesn't want to pay if it's not her preference. Ignore it."

tbh that's fair enough, why should anyone pa for something they don't want to do - it's a lot of money to most ordinary folk.

[lorelei9here]

*pay not PA, lol.

[Penguinepenguins]

goldcoveredbacon & lottie you beat me too it..

[WeAllHaveWings]

You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Maybe send out an email saying you are really looking forward to seeing everyone and hope the arrangements are ok, but to let you know if anyone has any problems or cant make it. If Emma doesn't contact you then leave it, some people just like having a moan.

[singme]

Would love just a simple meal and night out but I guess these hen "weekends" are a symptom of being so spread out around the UK. I guess most people would be OK travelling just for 1 night though. Louise made it 2 nights cos it's 6 hours travel for me and I have to be there for all of it! I think it will be lovely though! I do understand it's a lot of money and time though!

[FrancesHaHa]

So does everyone have to come for the whole thing or can they opt out of some bits?

£130 is a lots of money with travel, drinks etc on top. However, if there is an option just to come to say, the meal and drinks, then I think that's fine. This seems to be how most UK hen dos are?

Surely Emma could stay with her family and just come along to some bits to save her costs?