AIBU to not invite this person to my wedding? (long)

[KensingtonLou]

I'm perfectly willing to be told I am BU!

I'm in the middle of organising my wedding. Invitations will be going out in about a month's time. It's in [location removed by MNHQ for privacy] and while we aren't paying for people's travel there, we are paying for 2 nights accommodation for everyone and they won't have to put their hand in their pocket from the time they arrive to the time they leave. No one knows that yet.

One friend has twice made snide remarks to me about the wedding. The first was a few weeks ago of when I was chatting about finding a suitable date. I mentioned one that we'd looked at was the August bank holiday next year "Oh, great, when it's going to be really expensive for people to travel!" I had to seriously bite my tongue to stop myself from saying "firstly, I wouldn't have thought a 50 quid return with Ryanair was particularly outrageous, and secondly, a wedding invitation is just that, an invitation not an obligation."

The second was when I was talking about the new job I'm starting next week and how had I known I would be getting married next year I would have potentially stayed in my old job as it's going to be challenging juggling the two. To which the person who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery rolls their eyes and sneers "Ugh, no it won't..."

AIBU to feel like not inviting her? I have known her for a long time (getting on for 20 years) and while we do see a lot of each other with a bigger group of friends, we would never meet up on our own. It would, however, affect the dynamics of our wider circle if I didn't. But all this is making me not particularly inclined to spend the better part of £600 entertaining her and her other half for the weekend. Or am I being a total bridezilla for wanting to strike anyone who isn't universally positive about the wedding off the list?

[wigglebum84]

I wouldn't invite her, why is she so negative?

I'll come in her place

[acasualobserver]

These are serious crimes. I wouldn't just cancel her invitation to the wedding, I'd have her iced.

[BillSykesDog]

You don't have to invite her if she's annoying you. But yes you do sound like a bit of a bridezilla.

Do you honestly think they'll get £50 returns on an August Bank Holiday weekend? Or that it will be totally no cost to them? And I would have rolled my eyes at the comment about starting a new job now affecting a wedding next year too.

[KensingtonLou]

billsykesdog actually yes, the flights for this year's bank holiday are still £50 so I'm working on the basis that if people book as soon as next summer's flights are released they will be the same price, possibly less. But I accept that I may need to remind myself that just because I'm looking forward to a lovely weekend away with my nearest and dearest, doesn't mean they necessarily feel the same! Which is why I'm questioning how "near and dear" to me they really are

[KensingtonLou]

wigglebum I don't know why she's so negative, I'm starting to find the "W" word brings out the worst in some people possibly myself included!!!

[witsender]

Neither of her points seem that outrageous to be honest.

[witsender]

Overseas weddings do attract comments because they are quite 'indulgent'. It isn't just the flight, but getting to airport, time off, parking, public transport etc...that sort of thing is busier and pricier on a bank holiday.

And I see her point about the job thing too...

[KensingtonLou]

witsender you are probably right. It was just the tone that took me aback somewhat, like she was irritated by the fact I was happy and excited. I guess I try and take the view that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. FWIW DP thinks I'm being oversensitive too, but he has the hide of a rhinoceros

[RatherBeRiding]

I am intrigued about the challenge of getting married whilst in a new job. Except that by the time you get married it wont be a "new" job, you will have been doing it nearly 18 months?

Think I would be rolling my eyes at that one too tbh.......

[LosingTheWillToSkate]

Planning a wedding isn't a challenge. It's just a party, essentially. I'd have concerns about any of my friends stressing over planning a party over a year away and working.

And she has valid points. Travel is more expensive around bank holidays.

And she doesn't know you're planning to pay for their weekend there.

However, what you are right about is that weddings bring out the worst in some people. You can't expect your friend to show gratitude for something she doesn't know about.

[HackerFucker22]

No-one knows it's all expenses so she is probably assuming it's going to cost a bomb!!

[LosingTheWillToSkate]

And do most people just offhand know the price of a flight to somewhere random ? I'm assuming not as I don't.

[KensingtonLou]

ratherberiding it's a totally new role, huge increase in responsibility and hours. I'd been in my previous job for 11 years, since I was 18 so there is naturally some nervousness and general trepidation. I would genuinely have considered not moving jobs had I know that I was going to be organising an overseas wedding. As I said, I might have taken it better if this person had organised as much as a Sunday roast in the time I'd known her, but as it is we host them for every "at home" social occasion, christmas parties, NYE dinners, summer BBQs, Easter brunches - which they seem happy enough to come along to. I guess what I'm trying to say is I would have taken it better if they actually knew what was involved in planning any kind of event.

[HackerFucker22]

The wedding / new job thing would give me the rage to be honest. I know someone who went down to 4 days per weeks for 6 months prior to her wedding so she could do all her "wedding stuff". A decade later I still find it absolutely pathetic. And her wedding was no big deal granted I was only invited to the evening do

[HackerFucker22]

OP time to woman up and decide not to invite her as you don't like her not because of her recent "crimes" comments about your wedding

[witsender]

You sound like you don't like her very much anyway tbh, perhaps the feeling is mutual? If 'organising an overseas wedding' is such stress, why not go for something local?

A wedding is just a big party whether it is here or abroad. The only difference with the latter is that you do most correspodance by email. Really, to be fretting about it well over a year away does come across a little pathetic and can't be much fun.

[austounding]

Think about how it looks from the outside.

If you haven't told anyone that you're covering accommodation costs or costs while there, it does seem like you're expecting people to fork out for an expensive wedding abroad, taking up more than 1 day of their time, and are stressing about things that seem trivial to some people (the job).

So I can see how she might be a bit negative towards you - the above has all the makings of bridezilla story here on mumsnet. I'm sure if she knew you were being so thoughtful with covering costs, she would behave differently. Having said that, even assuming she thinks you are being bridezillaish, she can't be much of a friend if she is so sneery at you!

[BillSykesDog]

I don't think you have to have extensive party planning experience to realise that stressing about starting a new job 18 months before your wedding is a bit bridezilla.

Unless you are intending to invite Putin, Trump the US president, Assad, Merkel Cameron, Erdogan and King Abdullah to hold a round of peace talks at your wedding I really think you're making a huge big deal of the level of organisation and planning involved. And I actually work in events.

[austounding]

Also, if you don't want her to come but don't want to cause a fallout in your social circle by uninviting her, why not invite her but not tell her you're paying? Hopefully she'll decline

[KensingtonLou]

Thanks for all your responses. The consensus seems to be (!) that yes, I am being oversensitive but think the points about whether or not I actually want her there are definitely ones to think about. I am reluctant to cause ructions within our wider circle but at the end of the day I need to do what feels right for DP and I.

[Nanny0gg]

Well if you haven't told people what you are expecting to pay for they will be concerned about the cost.

Why keep it a secret?

[Andylion]

..we host them for every "at home" social occasion, christmas parties, NYE dinners, summer BBQs, Easter brunches .

I would stop inviting them to your place and see if anyone notices.

[austounding]

Or how about ..."Oh, goodness, I'm so sorry we didn't invite you to the wedding, I remembered you were really stressed out about the idea of paying for flightson the bank holiday and so we thought you wouldn't want to come... we didn't want pressure you or put you in the uncomfortable position of having to decline!"

[KensingtonLou]

Reading all your responses I also think maybe I'm being naive thinking that this isn't about what she might think the wedding is going to cost her, I suppose I was just under the impression that if attending a wedding was going to cost more than you were comfortable with, would you not just decline rather than passively aggressively expressing your displeasure?!

[witsender]

But you are discussing this with her in advance, while her tone may not be gracious her points aren't unreasonable...you asked if you were being unreasonable and most have said that you sound a little precious.

It is very clear that you don't like her at all from your many digs tbh...and if wedding planning is stressing you out so much already then look for something easier. And remember that there are a lot more costs to consider than just flights, so you may get a fair few declines.