I'd be really rude to point this out, wouldn't I?

(142 Posts)
Ivegotyourgoat Sun 27-Mar-16 18:01:02

Every time I go to mil and fil house for dinner, mil cooks a lovely meal. Fil sits on his arse while she cooks, then eats the meal.

After everyones eaten, so that could be my dh, sil and her dh, mil and fil, fils brother and his dw, the women go in to clear up and make hot drinks while the men sit on their arses some more. Fil and his brother usually fall asleep and let their drinks go cold, sils husband plays on his ipad. The women all clear up and wash and dry up. My dh sits on his arse too, although we do have a baby to look after and he does look after the baby.

I feel that I should chip in with the clearing up, but as I'm doing it I get really angry that the men are all sleeping and sitting down. I don't want to clean their plates while they lounge around.

In our house we clear up together.

Dh says his mum likes clearing up and that I shouldn't help because she doesn't mind.

What's the polite thing to do here?

Wolfiefan Sun 27-Mar-16 18:03:00

Take the baby off your DH. Let him help to tidy up!

LaurieFairyCake Sun 27-Mar-16 18:03:24

I'm damn sure it's not polite but I'd be making constant sarky and pointed comments about travelling back in time hmm

Can't be fucked with every day sexism without pointing it out

Floggingmolly Sun 27-Mar-16 18:04:17

Well it certainly wouldn't be to "point out" the bleeding obvious; which they all seem perfectly happy with. Either join in or opt out, but don't start WW3 in someone else's home.

bornwithaplasticspoon Sun 27-Mar-16 18:04:52

You can't do much about fil as it's none of your business how your pil arrange their relationship but I'd take the baby from dh so he could help his mum sometimes.

areyoubeingserviced Sun 27-Mar-16 18:06:12

Agree with Wolfie- let your Dh help out next time and you look after the baby.

Sothisishowitfeels Sun 27-Mar-16 18:06:16

My dads family were like this and at funerals women would go to the church not to the cremation while men would go to both. I have no idea why.

Lweji Sun 27-Mar-16 18:07:31

I wish I knew.
I used to have the same problem at ILs. I ended up helping MIL because it would be rude to leave her to do it all, and would try to steer the men into doing something. Sometimes one would do the washing up, or I'd convince H and his younger brother to set the table. I used to get particularly annoyed that we almost had to beg them to go to he table after preparing the meal.
ExH used to share work at home too, but he reverted to "man" at his parents.
My own dad doesn't cook, but makes a point of clearing the table.

RudeElf Sun 27-Mar-16 18:07:36

Do you want to wash up? If so then do, if not then dont. The men clearly dont want to, so they dont. Their sense of guilt is clearly less than their desire to sit. No reason why you shouldnt behave the same.

That1950sMum Sun 27-Mar-16 18:13:04

Not your house so not up to you to make a fuss. Don't wash up if you don't want to.

OneLove10 Sun 27-Mar-16 18:14:17

er not your place at all! Don't make a problem in someone else's home.

VulcanWoman Sun 27-Mar-16 18:17:10

My dads family were like this and at funerals women would go to the church not to the cremation while men would go to both. I have no idea why. maybe the women went back to prepare the food.

Mousefinkle Sun 27-Mar-16 18:18:42

I remember when ex Fil and his wife remarked (behind my back to exH) that I was a terrible host and wife for not getting up and making everyone drinks when they came to visit us and OUR NEWBORN BABY hmm. ExH made drinks and they thought this was terribly rude of me, it's obviously a woman's place to play host hmm.

The men should at least get up and try to help but it is true that some women prefer doing it themselves. My mother and grandmother wouldn't let anyone near their kitchen to cook or clean. They like doing it their way so maybe your mil is like that. Or maybe Fil and the other men are just lazy twats.

Muskateersmummy Sun 27-Mar-16 18:23:27

I think it's not your house, so not your rules. I wouldn't say anything.

AlpacaPicnic Sun 27-Mar-16 18:26:09

sothis This might sound daft but are they Welsh? At my grandmothers funeral my mother and my aunt - her only two living children - and my female cousins were not 'allowed' to go to the crem after the service because that wasn't the done thing. This was South Wales (the valleys) in the early 80s

RunswickBay Sun 27-Mar-16 18:28:35

Just do it differently at your house. Make sure your dh does his share and perhaps suggests dfil joins in.

Theoretician Sun 27-Mar-16 18:36:03

(I will address only MIL and FIL, think this can be extrapolated to the rest.)

It could be that in MIL and FIL relationship this is part of how they divide responsibilities, is fair, and they are both happy with it.

Or not.

You would be unreasonable to interpret it through the lens of your own relationship when you don't have the full facts.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Sun 27-Mar-16 18:36:53

Something similar happens at my parents house. My dad doesn't cook (although he is happy to peel and chop - he is a rubbish cook). Me and dsis get called to lay the table, help plate out the dinner and get drinks. My mum serves up the food. Afterwards, then men used to go and sit in the living room and the women would clear up.
After a few discussions with DH, and me doing what I usually do but not getting DH a drink, pointing out he can reach the fridge from his seat and to do it himself, it has changed. Now the men help clear the table and we all stay in the kitchen until it's done. Dnephew helps too.

My mum is annoyed at this turn of events and makes digs at me and dsis about how "it wouldn't hurt to fetch them things" hmm

Just tell DH you expect him to pitch in, or smile sweetly, take the baby and tell MIL that DH is doing your share today, you'll have the baby instead then sit and talk to FIL about baby poo until he goes to help too

PS, I'm Welsh (south, valleys) and I've never heard of just the men going to the crematorium after a funeral.

ajandjjmum Sun 27-Mar-16 18:37:04

In the 60's, my grandmother had no women at her funeral, at her request. That included my Mum and Aunt.

Sorry - off topic OP! grin

Theoretician Sun 27-Mar-16 18:37:35

Sorry, didn't read the question properly. It's a perfectly reasonable question, and I don't know the answer. blush

Chrysanthemum5 Sun 27-Mar-16 18:38:22

As in so many of the situations your problem is with your DH. I don't believe he seriously thinks his mum enjoys doing everything, it's just a convenient excuse not to get off his backside to help. I'd talk to him about it, say you don't want your child growing up thinking that's ok so he either does a fair share of the work at family meals or you're not going.

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Mar-16 18:43:38

Yes it would be rude to point it out.

It's not your house and not your relationship.

There may be things you and your DH do that your MIL doesn't agree with either, but bites her tongue out of politeness.

Her way is certainly not a way I agree with either, but it's up to her to change it if she actually wanted to.

Earlyday Sun 27-Mar-16 18:48:48

If let them do what they want in their house - but your DH is more part of their family so you mind the baby and let him help them.

Vintage45 Sun 27-Mar-16 18:50:22

My ex had this situation going on in his house. I used to throw the tee-towel in the room, shut the door and drag MIL out to the pub grin

pictish Sun 27-Mar-16 18:50:43

Well I doubt she likes clearing up, but it seems that's how she chooses to do it nevertheless. Yanbu of course, but it wouldn't achieve anything positive to make a point. All you can do is send your h to wash up while you chill out with baby.

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