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AIBU?

To expect DH to tell FIL to sort his attitude out?

85 replies

BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 22:57

Slight backstory- I've been married to DH for almost three years, but we've been together for ten.
I've never really got on that well with FIL but we always made an effort on the face of it.
But things have deteriorated since I had DS in 2014. There has been no argument, no confrontation, but one day just before Christmas 2014 FIL just stopped talking to me altogether, including ignoring me in my own home. He blanks me in the street, he blanks me when we visit, just ignores my existence. I asked MIL if there was an issue, she denied that there is a problem.
Fast forward to now, and FIL has started making snide comments about DS. He says he's a whiny child (he isn't, but he does get very shy around FIL), how his other grandchild is the only one who was 'a good idea', he abbreviates my son's name and uses it to rhyme the nickname 'Smelly Elly' ALL the time. FIL and MIL take their other grandchild for days out regularly and have sleepovers but very rarely see our son if we don't do all the legwork.
My question is this: why the hell won't my DH tackle him about it?! If I bring it up he rolls his eyes at me and says I'm looking for a family row. NO! I just don't want to be treated like second class citizens for reasons unknown. And if he won't defend me, he should at least stick up for his own child against his horrible, horrible dad. Of course, I speak up in DS' defence but it gets ignored. I really think it will take DH speaking up for things to change. AIBU to expect him to bloody grow a pair and take his parents to task?
Sorry for the huge rant but I am so annoyed!

OP posts:

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Hissy · 26/03/2016 23:04

Omg! Your fil is vile!

Please put your foot down and refuse to allow ds anywhere near him. Have the family row! Is your son or you not worth that?

Wha on earth is wrong with your dh to allow this!

AgentZigzag · 26/03/2016 23:06

If your DH is rolling his eyes at the suggestion that something's going on, does that mean he's never noticed his dad ignoring you or his DS getting less of a look in than their other GC?

The ignoring bit is bizarre and something I couldn't put up with, what happens if you talk directly to him? (which I'd be tempted to more than was strictly necessary if it were me )

YANBU, it wouldn't be you causing a family row but your FIL for acting like a twat.

PurpleWithRed · 26/03/2016 23:06

YANBU. Might not be pretty in the short term though.

Jelliebabe1 · 26/03/2016 23:11

Why haven't you said something to him? Surely he can't ignore you in your own home?

BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 23:11

Yeah he is absolutely horrible, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. I've had many a row with the in-laws about his attitude in the past but there's no point in me fighting against them all the time if DH won't back me up. I just end up looking stupid. MIL and FIL are not allowed any unsupervised access to DS because I just don't trust FIL- if he says stuff like that in front of us God knows how snappy and mean he would be alone. But again, DH thinks this is me being OTT and unreasonable. I am coming alarmingly close to cutting the 'outlaws' out of mine and DS' lives altogether and letting the lot of them to bloody get on with it. Don't think it helps that I come from a very supportive and loving family so I find their whole dynamic a bit odd.

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RubbleBubble00 · 26/03/2016 23:13

if he's calling your ds names then pick him up and walk out of the house next time

BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 23:15

If I speak to him directly I either get a one word answer or just ignored so I've started making deliberate, sarcastic comments within earshot instead (eg "anyone notice that black cloud coming over the house just as you came in?") DH tells me off for stirring it up when I do it, but I'm past giving a shit.

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AllChangeLife · 26/03/2016 23:15

I wouldn't be letting FIL see my son while he is behaving like that. That is bullying. Of you and of him. (albeit differently).

Stop it now. I'd go NC and tell DH that they weren't to be in the house when either you or your DS is there.

Unless he wants to take him to task about being an arse and see where that goes.

It is not you wanting a family argument - your FIL is causing that by being an arse. We don't like people in life, but when they are in our family we have to deal with the issues or get over it - not be passive aggressive, and start being nasty to a child.

YANBU. Technically you have a DH problem. but you might need to show him how serious you are. (and follow through - don't just threaten NC).

Enkopkaffetak · 26/03/2016 23:21

I think I would be tempted to say something like.

" Right say goodbye to grandad its time he leaves since he hasnt got any ideas how to be nice." and then go get his coat and give it to him.

You can;t do anything about them being more involved with their other grandchild. However you can certainly limit the damage they do to your child.

HeddaGarbled · 26/03/2016 23:30

Your FIL is behaving appallingly.

Your silly sarcastic comments and many a row are not the best way to handle it. It makes you look like you are just as bad as your FIL.

Go no contact, both for you and your son.

If you want your H to see that his F's behaviour is unreasonable and yours not, your behaviour needs to be better than his F's. So, no more rows, no more childish comments, just remove yourself from the situation but be calm and mature about it.

BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 23:33

I don't really mind them seeing more of the other GC, it keeps them out of our faces its more the comments and general behaviour that's getting to me. I think going NC may be the way forward especially since I'm now 8 months pregnant with DC2 and could live without the drama. It is just so frustrating that no matter what I say, DH will not grow a spine and do right by his own son. I'm fed up of being made to feel like the bad guy for defending my child and myself.

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BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 23:35

Totally agree Hedda, the way things are is ridiculous and it's not doing any of us any good.

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MrsUniverse · 26/03/2016 23:39

What is FIL like with your DH?

Vintage45 · 26/03/2016 23:42

Yes he does sound vile OP. Im not knocking you at all but you sort of slipped in the fact that you've spoken to all other relatives about him and they don't have unsupervised contact so how could they do what they do with the other child with him? Of course he won't talk to you. What happened before?

BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 23:43

FIL is fine with DH, they speak often. DH is a manager at a very well-known car hire company (they pick you up!) and FIL regularly rings DH to ask for various discounts on cars- and DH bloody obliges which drives me insane.

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BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 23:47

Vintage, I'm not the first of his kids' partners that he's taken a dislike to (DH is one of six), he's awful to most of them too. That's who I've spoken to about it as well as MIL and FIL. Surely we can't ALL be rotters that he's totally justified in disliking No unsupervised contact has been since the ugliness began when DS was six months old but they never bothered with him before that either.

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BoopTheSnoot · 26/03/2016 23:49

As to what happened before, things were cool but civil between us. Polite. Then we had our DS' christening on December 14th 2014. By the 16th I was persona non grata with no explanation- we'd had (what I thought) was a lovely family day.

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ohtheholidays · 26/03/2016 23:50

That's really bizare behaviour on his part and your husbands in not pulling his Father up on it and your MIL denying there's a problem.

You said there was no argument OP between you and them but had you and your husband had an argument at the time?I just wondered because sometimes people share to much with they're parents about what's going on with they're spouse/partner and they forget about it and move on but they're parents/parent don't.Ridiculous I know but I've had friends that have had that happen before.

No matter what your FIL thinks his reason is for being a complete and utter dick I would go NC and tell your husband that they're not welcome in your house when you or your son or your new baby is in there.

If he trys to argue with you ask him how he'll feel when your DS is older and he comes to his Dad and says Dad why does Grandad hate me so much and even worse Dad why don't you ever stick up for me when Grandad calls me names?

Your husbands a grown man and a soon to be Father to two young children he needs to grow a pair and learn to stand up for his family,you and his DC.

TendonQueen · 26/03/2016 23:50

I wouldn't take my son to see anyone who was nasty about him. I would also tell your husband that he is dealing with his family entirely by himself now. So if your husband invites him round, don't speak to him, don't make any of them a cup of tea, nothing. Behave as if they're not even there. Don't go to their house. And tell your husband that if it goes on like this he will have chosen to cut you out of his family the way his parents have done, so he'd better be prepared for that.

TendonQueen · 26/03/2016 23:53

I would guess that you slighted him in some miniscule way on the day of the christening by not making him feel important enough or something. The logical adult way to respond is to blank you forever But don't try to puzzle it out or worry about it. All you need to know is that he likes feuding with people, the dick.

Vintage45 · 26/03/2016 23:54

Just wanted a bit of a clearer picture OP.

I wouldn't go to his nor would I have him in my house. If your DH wants to see him then he can do so on his own and I'd have no part of it. That way you aren't giving your DH an ultimatum over his father (I'd hate someone to do this to me), you just aren't entertaining anything to do with him. Sounds FIL is never going to change, so what else can you do.

Sallystyle · 26/03/2016 23:56

If my husband let his father treat me and our child like this it would be the end of our marriage.

We had in-law problems but not this bad. I couldn't be with someone who would let their family treat me so poorly while they don't say a thing.

I would really struggle to get past that.

I doubt that is what you want to do, so the only thing you can do is keep well away from FIL.

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EverySongbirdSays · 27/03/2016 00:01

He obviously took exception to something that happened at the christening that you were oblivious to. Perhaps he overheard you talking about him?

Having "many a row" suggests there's a longer more detailed version of events here that you aren't providing, potentially because they make you seem less the injured party.

elfycat · 27/03/2016 00:05

Your DH is the product of his parent. He probably sees this as 'normal' because it is part of the structure of how he was raised. FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. He fears their reaction is challenged. He feels obliged to keep them happy at all costs (explains the cars - you used the word 'obliges' and this is not a coincidence) and Guilt if they are unhappy with anything to do with him -this includes you.

About 18 months ago FIL was berating DH for being a stupid waste of time who isn't capable of even the simplest task. He did this in such vile words and expression that I was shaking in rage and couldn't go in the room or an ambulance would have needed to be called. The kitchen fitter walked out and would only come back to finish the job if I could guarantee FIL wasn't there. DH did not hear the words or the tone. He can hear when his mother does this and stands up to her, but with his father he's lost.

I'd lived with over a decade of being bullied by the man, with DH unable to stand up to him (except in one rather memorable occasion). I'm now NC, it was the only way to go. DH takes the DDs but he knows that if they come home repeating anything negative about me, or about themselves then visits are over. DH wants it just to go away (ie for me to resume my being nice/them bullying balance), but it is them or me. Not an ultimatum but I would rather end my marriage than go back to being a nervous wreck, with self-esteem in a puddle around my feet and biting my tongue.

I agree you have a DH problem (but you are not the only one). The solution to that is to help him see that their behaviour is unreasonable. One thing that helped DH to see this, was getting him to read a 'Stately Homes' thread on MN. His face fell. Whenever he tried arguing that his family aren't that bad I brought him back to it and it reminded him that he was conditioned by them to think their narcissistic, self important, world view was the only way to be. I suggest you start by looking it up (Relationships) and see if any of it rings true for how he was raised and the balance of power that exists now.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/03/2016 00:16

Does he literally blank you/not talk to you all the time?

I honestly wouldn't have him in my house if he did that and wouldn't visit him in his. Why would you? he doesn't like you and can't be bothered to pretend to even the normal social conventions of saying hello/goodbye/small talk. I just wouldn't have someone in my house who treated me like that.

You dh is clearly a product of his upbringing as he sees this as completely normal (well I suppose it it normal in his family). It isn't normal it is downright bizarre and you don't have to go along with it.

If he was nice to your son I might say keep that connection going but he isn't nice to your son. he would rather get a dig in at you by saying something hurtful to your son than have a decent relationship with his grandchild. I just would quietly go no/or almost no contact with them. wouldn't visit. would make it quite clear to dh that he can invite him over but you and your child won't be there. Would tolerate other family occasions by ignoring him.

This is one fucked up family. Your FIL is so used to doing exactly as he dysfunctionally pleases/enjoying his made-up drama that he doesn't know how normal people behave. And he seems to have dragged his family with him into this la-la land. don't bother going there OP.

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