To not want my DM around?(28 Posts)
I have 6 week old twins and a 3yo. I am finding it so hard to spend time with the twins and give my 3yo the attention she wants. I am torn and upset and exhausted and stressed out by the guilt and inadequacy of it. I feel isolated when I am alone for too long, but bombarded when I have people around, and just can't find a good balance.
My parents live nearby and are wonderful and generous and caring, although j often have a fractious relationship with DM. But on the whole I know I am
so lucky and I appreciate this. I used to see DM a lot but since the twins are born we have had a fair few visitors and on top of this DM wants to come round a lot and at times has been quite difficult and stroppy when I have said no we can't have anymore visitors. When she is here there is no help with the washing up etc, I am Usualy making the coffee and she always brings cake which we didn't ask for, then all the plates get used and that will all need cleaning later and I know all this is lovelly for her, sitting and eating cake and holding the babies. All this while parents are holding a baby each and taking photos which is fine but even less time for me and the kids. Often the stay goes on too long and bedtime gets delayed.
We went round to theirs today for an Easter lunch. I asked DF if he wouldn't mind helping DH for an hour or so to put up some blackout blinds tomorrow, he enjoys that sort of thing so know it is not a big ask. Immediately DM says she wants come round too to hold a baby. My DH has already invited some friends around for lunch (didn't check with me first) so it was supposed to be dad just popping round. I really don't want more visitors after the lunch, if DM is there she will want to chat to me and I will not get to pay my children the attention they deserve. So this evening I have texted DM to ask if we can play it by ear as I am not sure j will want anymore visitors. I know this is reasonable but I am feeling so incredibly guilty. I know I can't please everybody and need to please myself and my children first and foremost, and feel I am barely managing this, but it is very hard when having to disappoint people I love and deny them of something they want. Am I just being a wimp? should an hour's visit from a loving parent really be that big a deal?
You poor thing. I'm the mother of two children who are now adults and I hope if they're in your position I will be chief bottle washer and tidier. Yes, it would be lovely to have cuddles, but it's more important that you get cuddles than your mum.
Don't feel guilty about tomorrow. You have other guests and you will be busy with them. If your mum can't take a back role and do the dishes etc, then she should keep away.
Mother of (teenage) twins here. I also used to run the local multiple birth group.
They are only 6 weeks old. As I remember it, it was still batshit crazy time for me. You sound like you are doing amazingly well. However, I suspect with hindsight you will think you might have been doing more to make sure you get all the rest, time and calm you need. Certainly I would say that you need to concentrate on the needs of you and your DH/DC - that is what matters right now. Having young twins is huge, let alone a toddler as well. I would suggest prioritizing accordingly. At this stage, if your visitors are not helping, then they are just making work for you, and this is the last thing you need. On the other hand, if you are feeling stressed out, please, if you can find someone/somehow to help out with the basics of cleaning, cooking etc, do. Now is the time to call in favours of food being prepped for your freezer, using some savings to pay for a cleaner for a month or two. Whatever it takes!! You can't do it all and it sounds like you are expecting too much of yourself. Call in the cavalry for support and totally don't feel guilty about fending off those who make work for you.
Could you not suggest that she does more with the 3 yo like go the park or soft play or does she have health issues that precludes this
Can't you ask her to do the washing up? And just say, look it's bedtime at x time, you'll have to go half an hour before then. Or just in general say that you can only have her over for an hour or whatever. Or to play with your 3yo for a while? You sound stressed out and I wonder if she could be an asset rather than a burden with a bit of coaching? It seems like you might be super-accommodating to her in person because you don't like saying no or asking for things. I'd try just telling her how you feel and what you need. She's not being U staying in touch - she is probably wanting to see you're ok.
Could your mum take 3 year old out for a bit?
Paper plates if she arrives with cake and same for any other visitors. Ask her to make the coffee. Even better could she hold both babies while you entertain dd
Thanks for your reply. I think I am just feeling so torn all the time. I have so little time now for anything, and I multi-task every task and never stop really, just to get through each day. everybody and their dog has wanted to visit the twins and hold them and I am having to constantly fend off visits. I am normally very sociable but find it hard to see the twin I am not holding in someone else's arms, even though I know I am unable to hold them myself.
dishwasher if you can afford one, great for bottles if your using them
Are the babies being bottle fed? If so tie her visits in with feeding time so she can do that whilst you spend some time with your toddler perhaps?
Can your DH or DF have a word with her and make it clear that you need practical help right now not just someone visiting for cuddles?
Hmm you sound stressed and exhausted, which is completely understandable. Obviously do try to make things easier for yourself. But I feel like maybe isolating yourself from your mum is not the way to go (eg she won't be taking you away from your kids if others are over at the same time as with the lunch tomorrow if I understand correctly). Can you ask her to come over and help with chores?
Can you ask your mum outright if she can help around the house as it would be a massive thing for you? Just a load of washing/dishwasher/washing up before she gets cuddles?
My twins are due in June and I've already had the conversation with my mum about the fact that I'll need loads of help round the house, rather than with the babies.
We got the attached from TAMBA, which I plan to make a version of for visitors..
What beezles says. Can you tell DM how you feel? You're probably doing a really good job of making it look like you've got everything under control and you're enjoying it all.
Would your DM respond to you saying that you love her coming round but the cake is going uneaten, you are totally overwhelmed and what you really need is x y and z which are all practical tasks not cuddles?
Obvs there would be time for her to get a cuddle in on the visit but she could have gone to the park with your 3 yr old, put a casserole on and done the washing up as well.
sorry but your mum sounds rubbish at this!
When my twins were 6 weeks old (and god alone knows what it's like to have twins with a 3 year old too) my DM came every day, washed, hoovered, washed up, cleaned the kitchen, played with the babies and let me have a nap
You are NBU at all. Tell her how lovely and helpful it would be if she could do xyz and then play with a baby afterwards. Perhaps she has no idea how difficult it is for you (my DM was shocked at just how hard twin babies are, she'd had no idea)
and is still on the DGM track she maybe got on to when your 3 year old was born -
good luck you are doing amazingly even having anyone around to lunch ever!!
Wow wish I'd got that list..... Or,anyone to give it to! Your Mum sounds great just misguided... Give her that list cof exactly what she can do to help practically! I'm sure she'll be great
Beezles thanks for the suggestions you are right I am doing g too much. Twins is bloody hard work and my toddler is full on too. I can only manage by pretty much constant action all day long. It is much easier in the week when it's just me and them. The. each weekend all hell breaks loose!
Incandescent you are right I have been too accommodating. DM has put a lot of pressure on to visit and I have frequently said no, but also have to say yes sometimes and I do want her to see them and me see her. But just not all the time and not right now, when it is all so new. But we have had lots of other people all wanting to have a hold, and they are good friends and close family.
Can you not say to your mum what needs doing to help you out? Twins and a toddler are hard work and I took every bit of help offered. My MIL was a godsend after I told her what I needed help with, she saved my sanity. You really need to be having a word with your DH too, if he invites friends for lunch then he caters for them. It's unfair when you already have your hands full to lump extra work onto you.
I do think it's a bit odd to invite your dad but not your mum round though and saying you won't want anymore visitors. That's probably hurtful to her.
Yanbu- everyone knows, or should know, if you visit someone with a new baby ( let alone 2) you make them a coffee, you wash up, if you see a job that needs doing you do it, you take time to play with the older sibling and make them feel wanted, then for a few minutes you get to cuddle the baby, preferably whilst mum has some time to lay down/ take a bath or sim
Yes I'm bottle feeding (not by choice) and making up bottles takes up hours of each day, even with a dishwasher. It's just a massive faff!
Everyone keeps telling me how well I am coping. What else can I do but cope?? I am not really coping. I'm massively stressed and having dizzy spells and don't have time to drink water. I say this to my parents all the time but I don't think they realise their visits are adding to this, despite repeated strong hints.
Anyway thank you all for the helpful comments. I wasn't sure about posting but you have made me see that j am trying to do too much. I will say to mum that she is welcome round but could she bring a dish, and if she wants to drink coffee and eat cake can she clear it all up afterwards? She would be fine with that.
I am also going to try to expect a bit less of myself, although really I am just trying to stay afloat.
I think you need to have a bit of a chat with your DH too.
Inviting friends for lunch? Is he mad? How helpful is he?
Like other posters I think your mum could be a great asset if you just tell her what you would like her to do to help. I think the current rush of visitors will ease off when everyone has seen the babies. I am a GM and very close to my daughter. I wanted to help when her babies were born but waited for her to tell me what she wanted. I did not want to make her feel she was not coping by just jumping in and doing things. I remember trying to be supermum myself ,when my children were born ,and doing everything but I was exhausted with only one baby. Have you got close girlfriends who could help too by maybe entertaining your toddler? Look after yourself x
Last time I visited a friend with a newborn, I went in, made us a cup of tea and cake; then emptied the dishwasher and refilled it with dirty stuff. I made sure she was sat down with a big glass of water (she was bf-ing) and didn't do anything to "host" me.
I wouldn't dream of visiting someone with a newborn and sitting on my arse the whole time.
I think you need to tell your DH and DM to shape up!!
Thanks Mermaid. She has actually offered to come round every day and help, it's just that her version of helping is sitting holding a baby. My version of helping is someone cleaning my kitchen so I can hold my babies.
My DH is helpful and been great but we saw friends on Friday in the park and they were having such an awful time of it he invited them round. I would not have done but what's done is done and he will cook and their DS can play with our DD which is helpful.
Anyway everyone has been so helpful on here. I have realised that I can't be responsible for my mums happiness. I have been saying yes too many times, or saying no then feeling v guilty about it. Right now I just need to look after my and my family's needs.
Your DH sounds v sweet but maybe you have to point out to him that you are also having an awful time of it! And unless those friends are going to clean your house, you can't be respobsible for their happiness either.
Those lists are fab.
I can't imagine giving anyone one of those lists..!
Op I can only imagine the stress you are under, I don't know how parents of multiples do it! I have nothing to add from previous posters except to say be honest with everyone including DM about how you are feeling. You need help, and it sounds like you are good at covering up how hard it is so perhaps people don't realise.
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