To send this letter to the CIA?

(46 Posts)
catgirl1976 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:29:18

Dear CIA,

I am rather opposed to torture and to be frank, find it reprehensible. However this morning a method was brought to my attention that is so effective I felt I would be remiss not to share it with you.

Firstly, wake your interrogee at an ungodly hour like 5:55am. Wake them brutally and swiftly, giving them no time to assimilate to their surroundings. Drag them downstairs into a cold, brightly lit room.

Now, present them with a large box of complex Lego. Whilst they are still punch drunk from lack of sleep and unable to see properly, demand that they build the complicated structures contained within the pack.

Should they deviate in any way from the design on the box or fumble with any of the ridiculously tiny pieces, reprimand them loudly and with increasing agitation.

Ensure you keep up a loud, surreal stream of consciousness during the exercise. To ensure your subject cannot merely tune this out, pepper your invective with a series of non-sequential questions, which demand immediate answer.

Once you feel your captive is close to breaking, demand they prepare you breakfast. When they ask what they should prepare, don’t tell them outright. Instead, conduct a long and convoluted game resembling a twisted version of ’20 Questions’.

Keep it vague. For example, if describing a cereal, try fiendishly, complex clues like; “They are a shape but not a circle” and “We had them once a pre-school on a Tuesday”.

When your subject finally cracks the code, puncture their brief moment of hope by ensuring that after all that, the item being described is not something that you have on the camp.

When your subject is forced to admit this, fling yourself to the ground and begin emitting a noise at a level of decibels that will have the Geneva Convention writing an emergency amendment to international law.

Finally, force your captive to watch videos of grown adults opening an endless stream of “Blind Boxes” and Kinder eggs.

Provide no reason for this or any hint of when it might stop. During this part of the process re-introduce the “stream of consciousness and surreal yet urgent questions” technique employed earlier on.

If you feel this isn’t enough, feel free to dig your elbows in to your captive at every opportunity. Do it hard, do it often. Mix this up with some really affectionate cuddles for maximum emotional confusion and to ensure Stockholm syndrome is in full flow.

I appreciate the above seems somewhat inhumane, but with steely adherence to the process described you should break even the most hardened war lord prior to 8am.

Good luck.

CalleighDoodle Sat 26-Mar-16 15:31:01

smile

Cocolepew Sat 26-Mar-16 15:33:29

grin
Excellent star

Witchend Sat 26-Mar-16 15:37:54

grin

catgirl1976 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:39:36

That was my actual morning today grin

PatMustardsBigTool Sat 26-Mar-16 15:39:42

tbugrin

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 26-Mar-16 15:43:53

Keep it vague. For example, if describing a cereal, try fiendishly, complex clues like; “They are a shape but not a circle” and “We had them once a pre-school on a Tuesday”.

And keep repeating the same, very vague and completely useless bit of information. Yesterday at the mall, "that lady" <points at advert> "Yes dear, what about her?" "that lady" <points at advert> "Yes dear, what about her?" "that lady" <points at advert> "Yes dear, what about her?" "that lady" <points at advert> "Yes dear, what about her?" "She looks like smoke lady". WTF WTF? What fucking smoke lady?

catgirl1976 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:46:02

I'm glad it's not just me Mrs TP grin

ThisWasCrownjewel Sat 26-Mar-16 15:46:14

grin

HackerFucker22 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:50:19

You have a 3.4 year old (or thereabouts) right? grin

catgirl1976 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:51:09

Pretty close smile He's 4 and he's clearly on a mission to destroy me smile

DobbyTheFreeElf Sat 26-Mar-16 15:53:25

grin

HackerFucker22 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:53:59

Mine is pretty much the same except he sleeps until 6am.... and he knows daddy does the lego not mummy!

catgirl1976 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:54:37

That is a bloody good strategy. I may introduce "Daddy does Lego" smile

mogchothra Sat 26-Mar-16 15:59:23

You've just described everyday with my five year old. From the bony elbows in the ribs to the Lego. Oh dear god the Lego. Spent the best part of 2 hours building some Star Wars thing, only for it to be broken and scattered to the four winds a few hours later. The random hugs and kisses do make up for it though tbuwink

Spudlet Sat 26-Mar-16 15:59:23

tbugrin

catgirl1976 Sat 26-Mar-16 16:00:57

The only redeeming feature of Lego is that it is not Play Doh. That really is the devils work and I am so happy he's outgrown it.

dudsville Sat 26-Mar-16 16:04:19

I don't have kids but I found this really funny. I sleep with two dogs and could see something being written similarly about them. My girls wake at 5:40 for breakfast and garden trip. This is how it needs to be on work days but it happens on all days regardless. When I'm woken to the swish of a tail in my face and a paw followed by grunting I get up, only one of them follows through with the request in an efficient way, the other one practically says, "hang on I need to rub my face all over the carpet", "now I need to sit here and get my bearings", "I'm not sure I do want to come down stairs actually, what's in it for me?". Meanwhile efficient dog has been out in the garden and is about to be fed when other one finally comes down they eat and then go back into the garden, where the irritating one either takes up woofing, and being concerned for my neighbours I have to run out (I sleep in the nude so this whole practice is usually done in the nude, so having to suddenly go out and whisper-shout to my dog is a faff and usually colder than I'd like) or spends ages investigating something. When it's all done they go back to sleep but having been so thoroughly wakened I am now up, staring at them, wondering what happened. I think this could also be used by the CIA.

LBOCS2 Sat 26-Mar-16 16:07:11

For maximum confusion, occasionally provide clear answers to the questions, but follow up with an instruction which cannot be followed - for example, "toast for breakfast please, cut into squares like triangles". At no point leave the subject under any illusion how failing to provide a suitable breakfast will be met with screaming, screeching and or a demand for a new breakfast (but not toast).

catgirl1976 Sat 26-Mar-16 16:09:49

Loving "cut into squares like triangles" smile

And dudsville be careful not to get accidentally locked out in the nude!

Coconutty Sat 26-Mar-16 16:35:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dollymixtureyumyum Sat 26-Mar-16 16:42:30

Fantastic tbugrin

CigarsofthePharoahs Sat 26-Mar-16 16:44:10

Don't forget to scatter the lego about the room and deny the suspect any use of shoes. Force them to crawl on the floor to look under every single item in the room for a missing piece that is not there
Would going and taking a massive dump in the only toilet and then not flushing be going a step too far? Dealing with that stench nearly knocked me out.

Yellowbird54321 Sat 26-Mar-16 16:49:29

tbusmile Hope your little torturer allows you some respite this evening.

Littlegreyauditor Sat 26-Mar-16 17:12:14

I introduced "Only Daddy does Lego" early on. DH fell for this as he is a Lego obsessive. It was a stroke of genius on my part [preens], although it doesn't stop me having to perform surgery on the Hoover to extract Lego bits tangled in cat hair and jammed in the most inaccessible part of the damn thing. angry

I have a 3.4 year old. I get questions like "why the sky Mummee, why? Why the sky?" I have a degree in applied physics and I have no fecking clue where to start.

Mine could break even the most hardened operative, no bother at all.

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