to really miss living near my mum even though I'm 35?

(19 Posts)
MigraineMartie Sat 26-Mar-16 07:02:34

Always lived within 15 minutes of my mum until January when she retired and moved to Hastings.
She's 65 and I'm 35 with a 5 year old daughter and a 3 year old son.
I'm fine most of the time but whenever I go and see her ( usually once a fortnight ) I come away with a massive sense of guilt that she isn't getting any younger and I should be living closer and an ache in my heart as I really miss her, for the quick cups of tea or a shoulder to cry on if I needed one.
The 90 minute drive is so limiting especially now DD is at school and I don't know if I made the right call as we were going to move out with her when it happened, but we are in a housing association house and to do it we would have had to rent privately which just felt so insecure with children and schools etc - we had done it before kids and had to move lots with landlords selling and so on hence why we went for a shouting trust property and waited 8 years on the list before it happened.
Am I being irrational?

Bluebell878275 Sat 26-Mar-16 07:11:30

Nothing wrong with missing someone you love. Just enjoy it when you see her and make the most of it. You have a life too and more often than not families tend to be spread out.
My parents were in South Africa in their 30's while my GP's were in the UK. Now my parents are in their 60's and are moving to the States in a few months. My sister is in the States, brother in Spain and I'm UK...you only have one life..make the most of loved ones when you are with them but feel no obligation to live near each other smile

Fugghetaboutit Sat 26-Mar-16 07:40:30

I live an hour from both parents (separated) and hate it. I'm 30 and have two (3 and 10 weeks) and would love to be able to pop round.

I'm thinking of relocating before the kids start secondary nearer to them as I want to spend more time with them as they're getting older

MrsMook Sat 26-Mar-16 07:40:45

I'm the same age with the same age family. My mum is older and only drives locally, so it falls on me to visit. I'm struggling to see her as much as I'd like because of the demands of my work, family and other commitments.

Fortunately she is active and busy, another reason why arrangements are hard to make, but she's a sufficient distance that requires a significant chunk of the day to visit to justify the travel time. A 2hr return journey means that popping in isn't viable, unless we've been in the area anyway which is less than it was pre-children.

I would like to see more of her, but as she gets older, she's reducing offers of hospitality, so I'm having to adjust to inviting ourselves down, and then I worry about imposing ourselves on her.

chocdonutyy Sat 26-Mar-16 07:48:00

Regarding the housing - have you tried a home swapping website? It's for tenants of council and ha properties who want to move areas or into a different type of property without waiting to be at the top of the list.
Not done it myself but it seems fairly simple, you do however accept the property as is, they won't redecorate between tenants ect.

monkeysox Sat 26-Mar-16 07:50:32

At least you Can go visit each other. miss my mum every day sad
Phone Skype etc?
Yanbu to miss her though.

Footle Sat 26-Mar-16 08:05:14

How does your mum feel about it ? Is she happy to have moved ? Is she hoping you'll move closer ?

twirlypoo Sat 26-Mar-16 08:06:13

I have the opposite problem right now. We live next door to my mum and are going to have to move a bit further away, even just 5 mins would do it. At the moment she is letting herself into my house (shock) amongst other things, it's driving me mad!

WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes Sat 26-Mar-16 08:19:25

Not irrational no. When I met DH we were living about 90 mins drive from both sets of parents (opposite directions) and when we were both made redundant we made a conscious decision to relocate closer to one family before starting a family. It ended up being my family, we are about 25 mins drive from them, but it has meant we are now 2 hours away from the ILs. However it's fine, I text MIL lots, we visit for a weekend every six weeks or so and are very close emotionally if not physically. They used to visit us several times a year but that is tailing off due to declining health.

How's your mum settling where she is now? Does she feel it's been a good move? I ask because I have known people to move on retirement and find it hard to settle and make new friends and in some cases have gone back home again. Relocating yourself isn't easy as you know, work, school, housing, it sounds as though you are settled where you are. To be honest, I think I'd stay put and work on embracing the new sotuation you find yourselves in. Totally reasonable to miss her being close by though.

MigraineMartie Sat 26-Mar-16 08:40:40

Thanks for the replies!
My mum was expecting me to relocate with her, she's always been renting privately so the move wasn't a difficult one for her and my step father, neither have any parents left so when they thought about retiring neither wanted to do it here ( Kingston, surrey ) so moved to Hastings and are both very happy.
We always said when it happened we would follow, we too were privately renting and our lives were constantly changing because of it so also felt like we didn't have much to lose.
I'm a stay at home mother and my husband owns his own buisness so in quite a fortunate position for relocating however we got this 3 bedroomed house when my daughter was born 4 years ago and it's intermediate rent not social housing ( rent is 20% beneath market rent and 5 year renewal contract as long as no change in circumstance kind of deal ) but you can't exchange them.
So would mean taking a massive risk and leaving a secure tenancy which we waited for years for to relocate and hope we didn't have to keep moving with 2 kids in row.
Moving didn't bother me so much before when I was also working full time so deposits and moving costs weren't as hard to come by but school changes all the time if we couldn't find local properties really scares me.
It feels almost as if I'm picking between my mum and my children's stability sad
She doesn't drive so although will get the train once every few months it's me doing the 90 min drive and £20 in petrol every week or fortnight!
The kids really miss her too, they ask why she can't collect them from pre school like other nans do :-(
It's weird as my mother in law lives a mile away and we see her once every 3 months approx and my husband doesn't feel any tie to her whatsoever and neither does she!

WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes Sat 26-Mar-16 09:03:29

I would opt for stability, moving yourself back into the private rental sector would be a big gamble. It might be hard establishing new friendships etc yourself too. Try looking at the postives of having a Grandma who lives at the seaside, maybe get a family railcard and visit by train yourself (it's gives big discounts), get out and about and explore her new area with the DCs when you visit.

MigraineMartie Sat 26-Mar-16 09:22:50

Don't really mind about friends for myself, I have friends all over and see them when I can.
It's just the kids I worry about, having to move lots, possibly school moves and what worries me most is having to go I to some kind of hostel of we couldn't find a rental quick enough.
I also worry slightly about living in a seaside town when it comes to the kids finding work etc although obviously that's a very very long way off!
I will look onto a railcard as it's costing a fortune at the moment in petrol sometimes £80 a month

Starwarsorbaby Sat 26-Mar-16 09:52:49

YANBU. My mum is 3 hours away and I hardly see her. Miss her loads. Wish my 2 dc could see her more too. Live 5 mins from inlaws hmm

MigraineMartie Sat 26-Mar-16 09:55:28

Would the people who miss their mums move to be closer?

Abbbinob Sat 26-Mar-16 09:57:49

If you really wanted to move have you tried looking at the home swapping groups on facebook? then you could still live in a HA house that way?

U2HasTheEdge Sat 26-Mar-16 10:32:54

I used to live down the road from my mum, which meant she could pop round after work and when I was a SAHM that would be pretty much daily.

She moved last year, about an hour and a half drive away and I really struggled with it. It might have been quite ridiculous how much it upset me blush I cried a lot. Of course I was supportive of my mum but I was really upset.

I speak to her daily but I've gone from seeing her most days to once a fortnight at the most. While she doesn't live that far away with work etc there is no popping round or going out for a quick drink in the evening.

I hate it. But I don't think she is loving it much either.

I can't move closer due to work and the children being in school and college at a really important time in college. MIL and FIL are thinking of retiring in the same area as where my mum is so if they do we might move when they get a bit older.

JessieMcJessie Sat 26-Mar-16 10:38:00

Not unreasonable to miss your Mum. However there are many many people who do not have mothers close or at all and you need to get this notion out of your children's heads that all other kids have a "nan" collecting them from school. It's not true and those who do are very very lucky.
My unborn child will have no grandparents on my side as both dead and those on my DH's side will be 3 hours drive away. count your blessings.

MigraineMartie Sat 26-Mar-16 13:29:33

I have tried but market rent places with housing trusts are like gold dust. As I said we were on the waiting list 8 years and only got it as where we live used to be all social housing but every time someone leaves a property they turn it into " affordable rent " and someone died leaving this one empty.
I just think she's getting older not younger and will become more dependable on me, wants to see out her days by the sea so at some point I will have to do the move so maybe best to do it now before my daughter enters the school system.
We will never be able to buy, literally can't save £50 a month after everything is paid for at the moment so this was a close to security as we were ever going to get.

aprilanne Sat 26-Mar-16 14:50:50

MIGRAINE .i lived in the same street as my mum was great when my 3 sons little .go along most days baby sitter always available in crisis or for nights out .BUT my beloved mum had a heart attack 3 years ago aged 62 no warning no illness nothing .as an only child in my 40s mind .i was devastated .i have not been along our street since i cannot pass my childhood home .its great when living but crushing to not be able to walk to the shops without going on big detour .i have told my boys yes i would like you nearish but in no way the same housing estate .because i never want them to feel how i feel .

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