To not want to go anymore

[jellypopmummy]

We have a wedding at the beginning of June. It is my DH friends (I know the majority of people though) and I am looking forward to it (not the cost however). Anyway last night we ended up having an argument about something unrelated and it somehow turned round to the fact that I was going to embarrass him at the wedding because I am fat. He pointed out he wanted to lose weight (we both acknowledge we are overweight) and I hadn't made any effort to help him or do the same and said that all the other DW and GF will have been making an effort to lose weight as it's what women do and everyone was basically going to look at me like I was a ugly whale in a dress.

I know I'm fat, I wish I wasn't and I go through phases where I do try to lose weight, but it is so hard and I am an emotional eater so when I get down I eat.

I was so hurt and taken aback at this comment I did say that I would just feign illness if he felt his friends were so shallow that they could not accept me as I am. I know I look shit next to the skinny girl, I look hideous due to my thunder thighs and fat feet that don't fit in shoes properly. This is not unknown to me, being fat makes me conscious of how every outfit looks and sits. I know part of this is down to the fact he is self conscious at the fact he is fat too. I did point out to him that if he wanted to lose weight, why was that dependent on me making the first step, he is a big boy and could do it on his own.

I've not said anything further as I don't want to show how much this has actually hurt me and I feel even worse for eating a full packet of cookies, knowing this doesn't help. I'm prepared for the inevitable LTB comments, but this was out of the blue. I know he has no right to say that to me even if he is projecting his own feelings. I've just gone from looking forward to a nice day out, to wanting nothing to do with it. Doesn't help that the bride is a size 6/8, almost 6ft tall could be model.....

[bewarethewalkers]

Did he actually use the words ugly whale? If so he's a dickhead sorry. I would personally not go to the wedding either.

[Grannyspantry]

Good grief, forget the bride - I'm not going down the 'LTB' route as you've said you don't want to hear it, but that really is awful and I am angry on your behalf.

[bewarethewalkers]

Oh and he isn't projecting. He's being a hurtful, nasty bastard.

[sepa]

Wtf. I don't know anyone who loses weight for a wedding other than the bride!
I think it's pretty shitty that your OH has made you feel like this tbh. You need to discuss this with him. Why shouldn't he know that he has upset you?

[jellypopmummy]

No, he didn't, that was my interpretation of it. I wasn't called any names, just comments on my size.

[OneLove10]

Yanbu I wouldn't feel like going either. His comments were absolutely horrible and hurtful. Seems like he is unhappy with his own weight and taking it out on you.
So his reasons for wanting you to lose weight is how you come across in front of others and not due to any concern about your health? Shows how shallow he is.

[littleleftie]

He sounds like a prince doesn't he?

Please don't let him deter you from going to the wedding if you do actually want to. Hopefully the other people there won't be as shallow and judgemental as him.

Long term, if you do decide you are ready/ want to lose weight,hopefully that would give you the self confidence necessary to ditch him.

[KillBillHill]

Yanbu. I wouldn't go either. I'm shocked at how he has the audacity to call you fat when he's not stick thin himself. Odd man.

[MangoBiscuit]

Nasty bastard! How dare he. I'd be tempted to tell him you hadn't lost any weight yet as you didn't want him to feel embarrassed about being the only fatty at the wedding!

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

What a horrible human being. You're going to embarrass him because you're fat?

Sod attending a wedding with him, I wouldn't be living with him.

to you.

[OnlyLovers]

If you want to go, I'd go and tell him you've found another plus one.

If you don't want to go, tell him he can go on his fucking own. And do something nice on your own/with a friend on the day instead.

He sounds horrible.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think you should show him how hurt you are. He said a horrible horrible thing and he needs to know exactly how nasty he has been and how much he has hurt you.

He needs to do some serious apologising now. And yes, it is his responsibility to sort out his own weight loss, not expect you to make it happen.

The wedding is a while away yet so I wouldn't worry about that just yet. If you do decide not to go, I wouldn't bother thinking up excuses. Your H knows the reason, let him try and justify it.

[jellypopmummy]

Mango that made me laugh so hard. I might use that one. I have two months til the wedding so I could work hard and drop a few lbs (for me, the dress I was planning on wearing was a bit tight when I tried it on). I agree that I could use a confidence boost so I will stick it to him by sticking to a diet.

[QuiteLikely5]

What a nasty thing to say!

What is your current size op?

[jellypopmummy]

I'm a 16. Relatively reasonable, but I was a 10. It has steadily gone up and up. It's more the shape of it, all bum and tum.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Goodness. How tall are you? I thought you were going to say a bigger size than that!

He needs to see how much he has hurt you. Tell him.

And yes, if you want to use the wedding as a goal and loose a few pounds, do it for YOU. No one else!

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Don't lose weight to stick it to him - effectively that's you losing weight because he said so. And that's not good for you in any way.

A 16 is average size in the UK now.

[jellypopmummy]

I'm short, just over 5ft 1in, it's noticable.

I'm going to let him know, his comments hurt me and don't help, I know I'm not in proportion to my size, but his comments don't make me take steps forward, but drive me to eat to comfort myself.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Well exactly. Loosing weight, will power and self esteem are all intertwined deeply and having someone take a swipe at you like that is very cruel and can be totally counter productive.

IF your weight is making you unhappy then get support and loose a bit FOR YOU, as i said. Not for him. Have you tried a group? I haven't personally but so many folk i know seem to find them so supportive.

[hairymelonwalton]

hes sounds like a knob, a vain knob
play him justin beibers record " go love yourself" he might realize how nasty shallow he sounds

[bewarethewalkers]

I would tell him how hurt you are definitely. If you want to lose weight do it for you. If he wants to lose weight he has got to do it for himself but you could both diet together without nasty remarks.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm 15 lbs overweight and DH could stand to lose a fair few himself. But even if he was in Greek god shape and I was the size of a whale he would never, ever make any type of comment about me 'embarrassing' him, just as I would never, ever say such a thing to him.

I'm not going to say LTB, but I will say that I think you probably need to look at the totality of how he treats you.

Go if you want, wear what you want. And when someone says how nice you look reply (loudly enough for him to hear) "Why thank you! DH said I looked terrible and that he was ashamed to be seen with me. I'm glad to know it's not true!".

[curren]

You shouldn't lose weight unless you want to.

But what he actually say? It's difficult to judge from your interpretation of what he said.

Also what did you say to him?

He is a twat and talks to you like shit, or are you one of these couples that get nasty and personal to each other.

If it's the first, I would be seriously leaving the bastard. If it's the second it's not healthy at all and I would be considering wether the relationship is a good one or not.

[FarrowandBallAche]

What!?

He's fat but he's having a go at you for being fat.

How does that work?

[jellypopmummy]

We don't get personal, very very rarely (maybe once or twice in 18yrs), it's not my style.

Conversation went roughly like this, can't remember word for word so a bit of ad lib
DH: Everyone is going to be there, how do you think it looks
Me: What do you mean
DH: What do women do before a wedding
Me: Well the bride generally will try and lose weight
DH: Do you think Friend 1's DW has been eating cakes and crap constantly or do you think she has cut down
Me: I don't know Friends DW, but why does that matter
DH: Everyone will look and see you haven't done anything about it, I didn't want to be the fattest there.
Me: I'm not responsible for you, you never did anything either
DH: Yeah well you don't care
Me: If it means that much to you then I'll not go, I'll be "sick", but I would like to think that people would like me for who I am rather than how I look. I don't care what people I have never met think, if they are that shallow.
DH: They will all be looking.... You haven't made an effort and you will stand out, it shows.
Me: stunned
Then it went onto other things about decorating house etc.