Am I incredibly odd? N/C on marriage

(361 Posts)
Toonoisy Thu 24-Mar-16 10:45:27

I married dh last year, I decided to keep my own name. My reasons were, I have a son who shares my name. I really like my name, it's me. I didn't want to be Mrs Hisname because to me that's his mum. I also feel as though the assumption that the woman will change her name is a bit of a feminist issue.

I don't want to be Mrs Myname either so I'm Ms Myname.

Dh was very upset about it despite always knowing how I felt. He thinks I'm mad but he's given up mentioning it.

Now I've found that the times I've had to give our names for anything it totally baffles people.

It's happened a couple of times where it's been quite important to acknowledge we're married. A mortgage application and me ringing the hospital when he ended up in a&e.

It's seems to completely confuse people, they say you're not married, I say that we are, so they ask are we Mr and Mrs Hisname, I say no were Mr Hisname and Ms Myname, we are married, I have kept my name.

wheresthel1ght Thu 24-Mar-16 10:50:14

Not odd but just not the socially accepted "normal". People have expectations and it is sometimes hard to get their head around things that challenge them. I wouldn't worry too much. If it could be an issue maybe carry a copy of your marriage certificate?

Floggingmolly Thu 24-Mar-16 10:50:28

If you're regularly encountering situations where it's quite important to acknowledge you're married ; you'll have to accept that calling yourself Ms. Yoursurname isn't consistent with that.

ZacharyQuack Thu 24-Mar-16 10:55:20

Neither DH nor I changed our names when we got married. It's never been a problem. We got our mortgage before we were married, though we changed banks and remortgaged recently. Our children have my surname, which may make things easier with schools and doctors as often it's me who is taking them, though we know plenty of children who have different surnames to one of their parents and they seem to manage fine. I filed our marriage certificate away after the wedding and haven't seen it since.

ceebie Thu 24-Mar-16 10:58:19

Well, Hisname versus Hername isn't really the issue, if you want to indicate that you're married, use Mrs. If you use Ms, then you should expect your martial status to be unclear and to have to explain.

ChicChantal Thu 24-Mar-16 10:59:01

YANBU. It really depresses me that fewer women these days seem to keep their own name when they get married. It just feels like a backwards step. You don't become your husband's possession when you get married! In many countries it's the norm not to change your surname.

CMOTDibbler Thu 24-Mar-16 11:01:29

I've been married 18 years and am Ms Myname. I just say 'its Mr Hisnames wife, Ms Myname' and its never been an issue. Yes, people can be a bit dense about it, but its a simple explanation.

Paperchaserr Thu 24-Mar-16 11:02:13

Plenty of people do this - it's a bit of a pain occasionally but perfectly doable. Some give the. children double-barrelled names or use one of the parents' names as a middle name.

Floggingmolly Thu 24-Mar-16 11:02:41

But op is insisting on styling herself Ms, and wondering why people are a bit hmm
Tiny tip, op; if you're speaking to someone who needs to believe you are married to your husband, don't insist on announcing yourself as Ms. Yoursurname, and then feign surprise when it causes confusion.

laurierf Thu 24-Mar-16 11:03:17

I'm Ms Myname - if I need to explain that we're married, which I have had to do a few times for various admin things, I do and it's been very straightforward, can't say I've noticed anyone being baffled by this though? Very odd in this day and age for a hospital or mortgage company to expect married people to have the same name or not understand the use of Ms...

StrawberryQuik Thu 24-Mar-16 11:06:13

I'm married and kept Ms Myname. It's never needed more than a 2 minute explanation to anyone filling forms in.

E.g. On the phone...
Is that your married name or maiden name?
I didn't change name.
Shall I put Mrs.
No it's ok I use Ms
Ok thanks bye.

On cards/invitations etc. I'm Ms MyName half the time and Mrs DHsname half the time (from DHs family and less close friends)

DC will be X MyName DHsname...I've shrugged off all the cards to Mr and Mrs DHsname but I'll insist PILs use DC's actual name.

WonderingAspie Thu 24-Mar-16 11:06:39

You are refusing to call yourself Mrs so you cannot complain that you have to explain that you are married. Ms is generally what you become on divorce. I don't get the big deal about being Mrs His name and have never come across this in RL nor do I know anyone who is married who has kept their maiden name. The only Ms I know is someone who is divorced. So you are causing the confusion.

Toonoisy Thu 24-Mar-16 11:09:01

Yes I don't really understand why women need to indicate their marital status in the title when men don't. I think if men have a neutral title then so should women.

Men are always Mr and if they say they're married it just accepted.

It's come up a few times recently and I have had to explain. I suppose that's not a major issue but people have seemed quite surprised.

laurierf Thu 24-Mar-16 11:10:11

Ms is generally what you become on divorce

I know plenty of married and never been/never to be married women who use Ms. You are not unusual in my circles OP. Don't sweat it.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 24-Mar-16 11:10:27

I didn't change my name. People sometimes address cards to 'Mrs DHName' but I don't really care. I don't think you can grumble though that people assume you're not married as it's still the norm to change. Doesn't take long to explain though.

Toonoisy Thu 24-Mar-16 11:12:27

Can anyone explain why it's important for women to change their title to represent their marital status while men remain neutral?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Thu 24-Mar-16 11:12:46

I use my original name and my new name. I never use Mrs because I don't like it.

I never explain. If someone wants to know my marital status they can ask and if I can see the benefit of them knowing I'll tell them.

Nobody has ever asked my husband why he hasn't changed his name and frankly it's nobody's business but mine what name I use.

This is the 21st Century Ffs.

Paperchaserr Thu 24-Mar-16 11:13:37

Ms seems more logical to me as Mrs would be what I'd use if I took DH's name. I'm not crazy about Ms but it seems the best option. I don't think you're causing any dreadful confusion - it just needs a few seconds of explanation occasionally.

ohforfoxsake Thu 24-Mar-16 11:14:18

I didn't change my name, the kids have my name. I invited him to change his name, he didn't want to.

The only time I had to explain it was when a cashier in John Lewis asked what 'Ms' meant.

It baffles the staff at school - and they call XH Mr Hername. Someone asked me why I haven't changed my name now I'm divorced and were surprised that it was, er, my name, and that the kids were also my name.

It's just conditioning.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Thu 24-Mar-16 11:15:01

We don't have to. Who says you have to? confused

Stop pandering to other people's sexist notions about what women should do with their own names. If we all did that eventually it would become normal to treat women as equal to men when it comes to making personal decisions.

laurierf Thu 24-Mar-16 11:15:34

Can anyone explain why it's important for women to change their title to represent their marital status while men remain neutral?

I doubt it! It's tradition but it's not important.

MorrisZapp Thu 24-Mar-16 11:15:35

I'm surprised that they're surprised smile

My mum went back to her maiden name and used Ms in 1978. If she'd changed her name to Bridget Fucksalot she couldn't have caused more confusion and outrage. Apparently my granny 'sobbed' and my teachers in school just couldn't take it on board. Nope. Not getting it.

But nowadays I don't think anybody really cares? I have different surname to DS, nobody blinks an eye.

Toonoisy Thu 24-Mar-16 11:16:18

It's come up recently, ordinarily I wouldn't care if people assumed we weren't married. However it was questioned for a mortgage, when I rang the hospital, when I tried to register dh at the dentist. They were only accepting applications from me today kin.

Toonoisy Thu 24-Mar-16 11:18:21

Applications from next of kin.

laurierf Thu 24-Mar-16 11:19:08

Toonoisy - maybe it's bothering you more than the rest of us because your DH was very upset about it and still thinks you're "mad"?

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