Weekend away with male best friend and his girlfriend.

(160 Posts)
potentialthirdwheel Wed 23-Mar-16 05:06:42

NC for this as potentially outing, sorry its long!

I'm going for a weekend away in another city to see a band I've been waiting to see for almost 10 years. My male best friend and I have booked to see this band across the atlantic in the past but the first trip was cancelled due to life threatening illness and second because the band split up. This a last chance affair for me to see them, and a band that we have mutually loved for the 10 years of our friendship.

Best friend, we'll call him B, has a girlfriend F, they've recently moved in together. F has issues stemming back to her past and is very very insecure, sees me as some sort of goddess figure that B is in love with and I am brought up in every single arguement between them. Her reasons are that we dated for approximately 2 weeks 8 years ago, and that he talks about me too much. We've been best friends so for long, and travelled a lot and experienced a lot together so its understandable I might get brought up in conversation. B is not allowed to socialise with other females, despite all of his female friends being in long-term relationships, myself included.

B seen that the band was playing a one off show, and asked F is she was up for a weekend away with the three of us to see the band. F blew a fuse over him asking me because she has apparently already decided they would go together as a couples weekend, no previous mention of it to B, and that he should now just go away with me because he clearly wants a dirty weekend.

F eventually relaxed, tickets, hotel and transport all booked. This week F said that she wants to go to another event whilst there with B, and that I'm not to come because its for them as a couple only and that I can "find something else to do". B thinks this is unfair and has caused a falling out with F who thinks he is now picking me over her. F has said that she wants to see public displays of affection when I'm around to prove that he is focused on her and not me.

I'm not fussed about them going off and doing something together, I understand that as a couple they might want to do something on their own, but B is miffed at her insistence about it. My DP isn't coming due to other commitments, he knows I have a healthy and purely platonic friendship with B, he is also his friend.

B is now feeling very awkward about the trip, and has said he feels horrible at her demands to ditch me so they can do something together, even though he knows I'm okay with it, it was not a weekend specifically for them as a couple. F has to come along, despite not liking the band, or B wouldnt be allowed on the trip alone with me. B thought he was doing a good thing by getting tickets for us to go to something we'd been trying to do for years. He is a very good partner, works hard and is extremely caring to all his friends, family and previous partners, he would never ever be unfaithful and the thought of us even being together is absolutely vile. I'm happily engaged and planning children in the near future.

Is F being unreasonable to feel the way she is, and to demand I find something else to do at some point during the trip so they can do something together or AIBU by going on this trip in the first place, and imposing on what F decided was a couples weekend? Should I even go at all?

KateInKorea Wed 23-Mar-16 05:12:00

Yes you should go, and go to your concert. Find something else to do whilst they go to her thing and try to suck up to her a bit.

Realistically they won't last the distance (because he is blabbing everything back to you for starters! and all his angst about pda this and that)

XIsACunt Wed 23-Mar-16 05:15:15

I don't think YABU for going. The issues regarding insecurities are between your friend and his DP. They need to sort the trust and insecurity issues out between them. His DP clearly doesn't realise that she could end up distroying their relationship if she continues to try and control his friendships.

MumInBrussels Wed 23-Mar-16 05:17:21

You should definitely go. You're definitely not being unreasonable, you're being entirely understanding of this woman's paranoia and jealousy - which is more than she deserves, given the way she reacts to you.

Go, enjoy the band, find something fun to do by yourself when they go off and do their couple thing. She's clearly nuts, so you might appreciate a break from her possessiveness after a while, in any case!

tomatoIzzy Wed 23-Mar-16 05:26:33

You should go, it's not your problem if she has issues.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and I don't think he is not overly invested in it, which is probably why she feels insecure.

Oysterbabe Wed 23-Mar-16 05:27:21

You should just go, not worry about it and leave your friend to deal with his relationship issues.

I do think that B is a bit of a dick for telling you about stuff F has said to him such as
F has said that she wants to see public displays of affection when I'm around to prove that he is focused on her and not me.
And that she thinks of you as a goddess. He should show F some respect and keep private conversations private.

GirlOverboard Wed 23-Mar-16 05:33:07

God that all sounds like a huge amount of hassle. You should definitely go to the gig, as it's the last chance to see a band that you love. However if I were you I'd try and get out of the joint trip and go alone instead. I know that I'd have a lot more fun that way. Can you cancel the hotel reservation and book elsewhere? Spend the weekend sightseeing and having fun rather than putting up with his girlfriend's drama.

potentialthirdwheel Wed 23-Mar-16 05:35:02

Thank you everyone.

I have told B that I don't want to be privvy to as much information as he tells me, but it's came from various other friends that he has also vented to as well as overheard conversations. I don't want another reason for her to think I'm a threat. I have tried to form a friendship with F, on paper we have a lot of mutual interests and would get a long well if she would allow it. B has said he loves her but is struggling with her issues despite trying his best to help. The goddess thing isn't exact words used, but best way I could describe how F thinks B sees me. It's a same because I think F is really pretty and shouldn't be so insecure about herself, especially when I'm no oil painting and could probably lay off the treats. grin

potentialthirdwheel Wed 23-Mar-16 05:37:54

I do think B vents to me more as his friend circle is now fairly limited due to Fs controlling nature, I don't agree with knowing so much of their private information but at the same time I get the impression B needs an outlet although perhaps a male friend would give better insight and advice than me as I don't want to be blamed for anything else from F.

kali110 Wed 23-Mar-16 05:39:44

Go.
Don't let her paranoia ruin this for you and your friend!
It sonds like it's something you two have wanted to see for ages!
Hopefully your mate will come to his senses, or his gf will realise that her extreme insecurities are going to end the relationship.
I'm not surprised your friend is pissed off about wanting to
Show affection to his gf when you are around,this would annoy me.
I don't think he's wrong for confiding in you at all.
She sounds really controlling, it's good that he has you as a friend.

potentialthirdwheel Wed 23-Mar-16 05:45:46

The trip was all booked together using Bs card so I figure it would be a hassle to change my hotel now, but perhaps I should have stayed elsewhere and met up with them on the evening of the concert.

I understand couples show affection, but any time we are together, even with my DP present, F literally cannot peel herself off B, despite it obviously being awkward for him. She needs constant hand holding to feel reassured.

F is in her late 20s and B is early 30s, it's ridiculous imo that this is even happening. ..

Lovelydiscusfish Wed 23-Mar-16 06:10:23

I'm confused as to why B is still with F. Firstly she sounds enormously controlling (making him ditch friends, etc) and secondly the fact that he talks to lots of people about the stuff she is coming out with, does imply that (perhaps rightly) he doesn't have a lot of respect for her.
I understand that you really want to see the band, but I think, of you do go, you will have to gird your loins for a really awful and awkward weekend in all other respects. Can you face it?

XIsACunt Wed 23-Mar-16 06:27:48

I don't think there's anything wrong with B sharing his concerns/feelings about his relationship with you. His your best friend of 10 years. My close friends and I share worries concerns and ask for advise from each other. We have shared some very personal information. As well as enjoying each other's company close friends also talk and help each other through difficult situation. It shouldn't make a difference because his male.

YakTriangle Wed 23-Mar-16 06:40:38

Does she act this nuts when you actually see her or are all of these details coming from B?

curren Wed 23-Mar-16 06:43:19

You should go.

But you should also realise that B is being a bit of a tool.

He chose to move in with his GF despite the fact that he is unhappy. Talking to your friends is fine. Talking to the friend your girlfriend has an issue with and then all going away together is awkward. Talking to everyone in a large group so they all know what's going on is never a good idea.

He knows he isn't happy and knows she is controlling and he is going along with it. By the sounds of it at some point he will have to choose.

He may love her and understand she has issues. But he isn't making her issues any better, if he was really concerned about her and wanted her to feel secure he would have told her before you booked. Maybe invited her himself.

Tbh it's very difficult for a partner to their partners issues. I can't see how this can resolve itself without him dropping you or dropping her.

It's a very unhealthy relationship and he should walk away. But you can't make him do that.

When you friend is in a EA it can put you in a bad position.

Sounds like he is moaning to all and sundry, he isn't happy. She knows this and it's making her worse. She is probably picking up on the fact that everyone is wary and awkward around her too.

Her behaviour is unacceptable, but is is enabling her and pulling everyone else into it.

Hairyfecker Wed 23-Mar-16 06:54:21

He is being very disloyal to his do by telling you all this. If he can't find a way to be happy with her, he must leave. Not drag friends into it.
She may have lots of reasons for being insecure due to how he treats her incidentally, you won't see everything.

HeddaGarbled Wed 23-Mar-16 06:54:50

Yes, do this trip because of it being the only opportunity to see this band but after that I think you should back off a bit. He needs to sort his relationship out, either commit to her properly and stop complaining about her to all his mates or split. Give them a bit of space to sort that out, without you being a disruptive factor in their relationship.

You don't like her and you don't think they are good together so if he does commit to her you may have to accept that this is one friendship that will lessen in the future. That's quite normal as people couple up anyway and their priorities change.

Jw35 Wed 23-Mar-16 06:55:26

B is being completely disloyal by discussing his issues with F with you in such detail when she already has insecurity issues. I'd say they're caused a lot by his lack of respect toward her feelings.

Nothing wrong in theory with being 'best friends' with B but his gf needs to come first or he should end it. Why are you best friends rather than just friends? Tbh I think I'd struggle if my oh had a female 'best' friend, especially if he'd known her longer!

Go on the trip by all means but there will be an atmosphere! Personally I would stay away and let B sort things out with F. It doesn't sound much fun for any of you!

Hairyfecker Wed 23-Mar-16 06:56:59

Actually she does have reason to be jealous if you as her boyfriend likes you more than her.

WizardOfToss Wed 23-Mar-16 06:58:23

Of course you should go and see the band. Then withdraw from the car crash and drama and wait until your friend emerges from the relationship, if he does.

londonrach Wed 23-Mar-16 06:59:39

F is very dishonest to b if telling you all this and explains why b is insecure. I do think its abit strange this threesome but ive never had a male best friend apart from dh. Why isnt your dh, dp coming too. Id distance myself from this.

XIsACunt Wed 23-Mar-16 07:01:49

I really disagree that Op is a disruptive factor in the relationship. The real issue here seems to be the girlfriends insecurities. It's not just the Op that she has an issue with. She has stopped him continuing friendships with other females his previously had in his life.

She sounds very insecure which is resulting in her trying to control his friendship group. This doesn't sound like the basis of a mutually respectful and happy relationship. His clearly resentful hence his moaning to anyone that will listen. He doese need to either decide to deal with her batshit behaviour or end the relationship.

Hairyfecker Wed 23-Mar-16 07:04:57

He's just made a commitment to her by moving in.
Is he someone who had lots of female friends? It must be a little unusual to have lots of female friends who your gf doesn't want you to see. One or two, yes, but this sounds like a potential harem!

Sparkletastic Wed 23-Mar-16 07:06:56

What a shame your partner can't come too. Can't he rearrange his other commitments? His presence would diffuse the inevitable tension.

XIsACunt Wed 23-Mar-16 07:07:56

I don't think it sounds like a harem. The other females were also in long term relationships. It's not like he had lots of single "girlfriends".

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