To send a message to my ex to see if he is okay (NC for 10 years)

(15 Posts)
houseeveryweekend Tue 22-Mar-16 00:36:53

(sorry for long post) Ok well I sort of know im being unreasonable... or at the very least unhealthy... I hadnt realised that so many people don't have any contact with their exes. I am in contact with all of mine and would go as far as counting a couple as close friends. Theres only two I have no contact with, one because he was violent to me and another because he just disappeared off the face of the earth.
The disappearing ex is the one I am wanting to contact.
I was 15 when we got together and I left my family who I didn't speak to again until a year after the relationship had ended as they hated him, to live with him. He was only a couple of years older but both his parents died in the first year of our relationship (one to suicide, one to cancer). He came from a very troubled family. We were together nearly 6 years in total and moved halfway across the UK together. Things were very intense between us understandably, we were very young and had a lot of pressure on us. I was from a totally different background and had never worked in my life... I did not know what bills were, I had no idea how to even do the washing up (im not joking he laughed at me for not realising you had to use hot water) and doubtless was a total nightmare stroppy teenager. I look back and am sorry for the added pressure I probably put on him.
We never really properly broke up.... he just started seeing me less and less...we had initially been living together but then he moved to a shared house across the street...... at one point he disappeared for 2 months only resurfacing when he learnt I had been out with someone else... who I immediately dropped for him. He would turn up, sleep with me at mine then leave and go home to his and I wouldn't hear from him for a week or so... at first I would ring him quite often but as he never answered I began to feel stupid so limited myself to calling once exactly once a week. On the occasions where he did turn up to sleep with me I would ask him what was going on etc and he would tell me nothing was wrong, we were still together he just needed space. He started to take a lot of ketamine... not even recreationally but just in the morning after he got up! He was always one of those people to fall silent under pressure. I once had his own sister ringing me to try and get him to ring her. I tried to just get on with my life even though I was very in love with him and I moved in with my friend and got myself a job. But he would just randomly turn up... once randomly called me at 4am off his face sobbing....
Then one day he called me and said he was in a van and was on his way to move to another city..... I told him 'good luck' and I genuinely meant it and then I went and cried.
I was absolutely devastated for years. I would have these awful dreams about him most nights. Of him looking for me or I was looking for him in a crowd.
The thing was that he also disappeared from all his friends lives who were living in the same city as me... and they would ask me what became of him but I couldn't tell them as I didn't know.
I did learn tho that he had told some people that I was stalking him!! Learning that he said that had a very bad effect on my self esteem. I still to this day will not ring or text anyone unless they have contacted me first as I very easily feel like I am invading peoples space. To the extent that people now describe me as cold.
I did in the first few years send him a message with my details like my phone number and address etc and just a line or so asking how he was doing. There were three of these messages in total, one each year. I know he read them because it tells you they have been read but he never replied.
So now its ten years later and I hadn't thought of him very often at all.. until I became pregnant. Now this is not a romantic thing. Im very much in love with my current partner and have been for years. We are planning to get married in October of this year. But for some reason I started thinking about this ex loads when I was pregnant and haven't been able to shake the feeling that I really need to know if hes okay and to find out hopefully that he isn't angry with me or bear me any ill will. Now I know this is pretty pointless as he is unlikely to respond but I wondered if it would be totally loops to send him a message just asking how he was?
I sort of feel like that would be a really stupid and odd thing to do but im also very compelled to do it. Is it unreasonable? Should I just try to forget about it?
I spoke to my partner about it and he said it didn't matter either way really if he wasn't likely to reply and that if I thought it would make me fee better I should have a go. He knows its not a romantic thing but more a need for closure.
You never get closure do you though in reality??

AlleyCatandRastaMouse Tue 22-Mar-16 00:44:04

I think the best form of closure you could get would come from counselling. From what you have written there is absolutely no way you should ever contact this man again. The relationship turned somewhat abusive in the end and you need space to work out the impact that had on your thinking.

sandylion Tue 22-Mar-16 00:46:58

YABU this man is the very end of a bell. You said yourself it's unhealthy and unreasonable. Listen to your inner owlsmile

Discopanda Tue 22-Mar-16 00:48:22

Write down what you would want to say to him in a letter and then burn it.

NoOneIsInterested Tue 22-Mar-16 00:55:09

YABU and a bit daft. (Sorry ). He sounds like he was a bit of a looser and he would have replied to one of your many messages if had wanted to keep in touch with you.

justmyview Tue 22-Mar-16 00:55:25

I occasionally wonder what happened to my ex's.

I think a passing thought "Wonder how life turned out for him" is OK, but you seem far more invested than that. Might be useful for you to reflect why it's so important to you

kali110 Tue 22-Mar-16 00:55:44

Do not contact him. It will not end well for you.
I am in contact with one ex. We are friends, but we did not end badly.
My first ex sounds a lot like yours!
Picked me up and dropped me whenever he felt like it!
We broke up and got back together about 3 times in all. He knew how much i loved him, yet carried it on.
I was in a city with noone.
I was gutted. Dropped out of uni, yet couldn't stop the contact.
Only did when i met someone special. This was ok for good few years, however he was crap at communication.
We argued, he would literally just leave me where ever we were.
It devastated me when we broke up.
I contacted him a week or two after we broke up, then i deleted him from my life.
I realised that i couldn't keep toxic people in my life.
Yes it hurt but it just sucks you back in!
He ended up contacting me months later but id moved on. I still had feelings, but i could see the dysfunction. I've run into him a few times, said hello but nothingelse.
If you contact him you will be right back to where you was all those years ago.
What are you really hoping from this?
You say you are happy now, so why spoil things?
Why do you need the validation?
What about if he says things you don't want to hear?
This wasn't a good breakup, or really a relationship.
You haven't had contact in all this time for a reason.

Theambler Tue 22-Mar-16 00:58:30

I understand some of this. I also have exes for friends, i think its a shame not to retain some of that shared history if you can, reasonably. Sometimes odd things make us want to reconnect with the past.

It's possible he's grown up and will see your contact for what it is. Or he might still be a tit and decide you're stalking him.

I think if you just wait it out a bit, when baby arrives, you'll forget all about it naturally. smile

VertigoNun Tue 22-Mar-16 00:58:47

My ex described leaving his previous long term partner as this man left you.

I didn't allow the sleeping together thing as a result. He tormented me in another way instead.

Seriously he did you a favour leaving you.

houseeveryweekend Tue 22-Mar-16 01:12:32

Lol 'the end of a bell' thanks that's cheered me up!
You are all probably very right. I just feel a lot of pain about this at the moment and im not sure why? I mean a lot of stuff has happened in my life and yet I seem to be thinking about this particular time a lot. I think that the disappearing has made me turn it all on myself.... for some reason I think that if I actually knew him as a person still it would be easier to just see that he was a bit of a twat and not worth all this self hatred over not being able to help him. But for some reason instead of being angry that he told people I was a stalker I feel devastated that he may actually have felt like that and that I had a negative impact on his life.... Whatever I do ill never get to say sorry and be forgiven and have the apology returned tho will I.. im on a hiding to nothing here! and yes perhaps I do need counselling..... immediately after that relationship I ended up with someone who was extremely violent towards me and stayed with them for two years... and remained close friends with them for ages until last year when my current partner after I actually told him what had gone on, made me see that that man was not and never had been my friend.... :-( Deep down I thought what was it about me that caused people to behave that way towards me... I don't know why im thinking about this now... my current partner has honestly been the best man and father to my child that anyone could ever hope for and I am happy but during my pregnancy I just kept thinking of my ex and feeling real horror about it, like id done something wrong and I needed to sort it out you know? and im still feeling that way. I did have pnd but not for that long.
Thanks for your replies! xx

VertigoNun Tue 22-Mar-16 01:22:12

The only thing you did was love and trust a man. I think maybe you need to re frame who he is.

Alasalas2 Tue 22-Mar-16 01:30:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

houseeveryweekend Tue 22-Mar-16 01:31:47

vertigoNun yes I know you are right! its bizarre Ive never managed to do that in ten years! don't think I don't realise that it isn't a bit pathetic to still have a romantic image in my mind of tortured young love that in reality was just a jeb end being an absolute twunt to me! Honestly its the bane of my life that I cant dislike people and can enforce zero boundries. Thank god for mumsnetters and their home truths!

houseeveryweekend Tue 22-Mar-16 01:40:42

Alasalas thanks yeah I do think it was pregnancy related it started being an issue round then. And yeah I just need to let it go.
Theambler, the risk is that he hasn't grown up and all it does it make me feel like a stalker and make me feel more awful about it all. I already had the baby in july and I have thought about it less but it was still on my mind a lot.. I think its just an impulse to try and sort out my life because Im a mother now. But sometimes leaving well alone is the best sorting out!
Thanks for everyones replies I don't think I will be sending him a message but I do feel comforted that people can understand why I thought to, I feel less mad! xx

awfullyproper Tue 22-Mar-16 06:19:44

haven't been able to shake the feeling that I really need to know if hes okay and to find out hopefully that he isn't angry with me or bear me any ill will.

From what you have written, he has no reason to be angry!

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