To be heartbroken because your DD is moving away

[AnnP1963]

I really need some strong talking i only wish i could talk hard and strong to myself.
Lets go from the start (Literally). Had a dreadful childhood mother was abusive and cold completely non-feeling towards me. Used to use a piece of bamboo to hit me with or if i was lucky i could actually pick which implement i could get hit with, bamboo or belt!
Anyway fast forward met the man of my dreams at 20 married now for 30 years . Tried for 2 years to fall pregnant with my eldest child and when i did it was like all of my birthdays and all of my Christmas's had come at once. She is the calm and the light of my life. 3 years later i had another child and i fell pregnant straight away she is amazing too bubbly, funny and very pretty. So as i am sitting here typing i have tears in my eyes and i am so so sad.
My eldest daughter is moving 110 miles away so she can buy a house, which is impossible in London. I feel completely floored. Because i had such a shitty childhood i made thier's wonderful and i lived the childhood i never had. We had bike rides, swimming galas, picnic in front of the television hugs and always lots and lots of love. They moved away to uni and came back every couple of weeks, with the washing! I did it gladly and enjoyed them being around. I am very proud to say they have been through Uni and have good jobs. I am so sad that my eldest daughter who lives 5 miles down the road in a rented flat is now moving away i literally feel like my heart has been ripped out. I have just had a shower and cried in it so i did not cry in front of her. I know she knows i am upset but i just needed to cry in private. They are all i have ever wanted in my life and after the upbringing i had devoured every happy moment, and with the most amazing mother-in-law any one could have finally realised how a happy family life could be.
Help needed here please.

[MrsBobDylan]

Yanbu-I think you are perfectly entitled to be sad and have a little cry.

But physical distance won't change that strong bond you have with your DD. She will still need you and you can do longer visits to see each other.

Dh lives that distance from his parents and we are very close with them. Like you I adore my mil and when I had ds3 she came to stay with us to help.

You sound so lovely-bet your DD is finding the idea of being further away from you makes her feel sad too.
for you both.

[littleleftie]

OP I do feel sorry for you, but surely all the effort you put into your children was so they could be fully functioning adults with successful and happy lives of their own, independent of you.

It all sounds very successful to me, and you should be happy for your DD.

Just think of all the fun times you will have visiting her and seeing her blossom in her new environment.

[AgentZigzag]

Awww, you've done a brilliant job bringing up your daughter and giving her all the things you were denied (your childhood sounds very distressing).

Of course you're going to be upset not to see her as often as you have been doing but maybe given time you'll be able to see that it's only one phase of her life and you can still have the close bond you've always enjoyed with her.

It's good you're trying to shield her from how you feel a bit because it could saddle her with a guilt you wouldn't want her to have.

Are you able to get support from anywhere in RL for what's happening now, and for what you went through as a child? (if you haven't already).

[sonjadog]

Aww, poor you. I think you should be kind to yourself. Of course you are sad she is moving. This is a very major change in your life and like change often is, it is painful. But you will get through it, your daughter will get the house she wants, you will go and visit, and things will settle down in the new form.

I think you should indulge yourself for a little while and have your cry, and then try to find new activities and ways for you to develop yourself and your own interests. Find ways to make a stimulating life for yourself in the future.

[PotteringAlong]

It means you've done your job properly - roots and wings; that's all you can give them.

[Smartiepants79]

It's totally ok to be sad at the thought of her moving away. She will miss you too and I'm sure this choice hasn't been made lightly.
I'm sure you know that it's not going to change the love you have or how close you are. It's going to mean the time together will be more precious and better appreciated.
Thankfully we live in a time of almost instant communication. You'll be able to speak to her as much as you want.
A few tears in front of her is no bad thing. Just be sure to support her choice and have no guilt attached to her leaving.

[TwentyOneGuns]

Oh OP I'm so sorry, you sound so sad. I think you've got every right to feel that way especially after having such a miserable childhood.

But... as someone whose DM also had a pretty rubbish childhood but tried to ensure ours was better, can I say please don't let your DD know how you're feeling as it will be a huge burden on her shoulders. My DM has a tendency at times to make me feel guilty (probably unintentionally) for not living nearby and for having my own life, and that is pretty hard too.

If you want to retain the lovely close relationship you've got with your DD, be happy for her, be supportive, take an interest in her move and help her where you can without going overboard. Then do your best to find happiness and interests in your own life so when you see or speak to her you have lots to share.

Based on my own experiences, I really think that is the best thing you can do, but if you are able to see it through with a smile your relationship with your DD should be even stronger. Despite the distance between us and the fact she hasn't always handled things brilliantly, I am very close to my DM and really appreciate the efforts she's made to support me.

[AnnP1963]

I am seeing a Councillor for all of the issues from my childhood. I literally cherish to time i have with her. I just feel so broken, i feel so so sad.

[Superwitchy]

OP I had a horrible M too and I do think it affects how you are with your own dc. One of mine is finishing uni this year and has a training/job a similar distance away. Like you, I can't bear to think about it. I'm trying to remember that we can visit quite easily - it could be so much worse - and we have phones with instant messaging and cameras now, so we are never really out of touch. I know the heart-breaking feeling that you're experiencing, but I think that you will get through it. I'm hoping to do more with my dh and try to be positive. I'll also try to have my next visit, or hers, always planned. Good luck

[HPsauciness]

Ann I wouldn't try to cheer yourself up today, just be sad. It is sad that she is moving away. But tomorrow, get up and be proud that you've raised such an independent and future-thinking daughter, who is going off to live her own successful life.

I think you need to save your sadness for here, and for your counsellor, because your dd hasn't done anything wrong in wanting to move and start her own home and family.

These things can come as a shock though, and it will take some time to work through and adjust.

[dementedma]

Am glad you are getting some counselling to help you, as it seems overly clingy to me. Sorry. I love my DDS but when they move away to Spain, I was pleased that they were independent and confident. It may be that I am not particularly maternal but I don't think it's heartbreaking when they move away...it's great to have some freedom and a bit of your life back!

[PNGirl]

I think it's fine to be sad, but as others have said it shows that she is independent, she is secure in your relationship and knows that her moving won't jeopardise it. I live 200 miles from my mum and dad and we have a great relationship; in fact it's been better since I moved because visiting is a weekend event and we do nice things and go for nice meals together.

And in honesty it really is better for her to get on the property ladder if she can. Try and be happy for her that this will give her more long-term options than paying rent through the nose.

[Headofthehive55]

I have to live about that distance away from parents. Not by choice. Perhaps you could move to be nearer them?
Sometimes there is not much you can do.

[Spudlet]

I live about that far from my mum, but we are just as close. We talk online and on the phone, Skype regularly with my DS and I try and get to see her every few weeks. It's a shame we can't casually call in on one another, but we still talk as much as we did before.

I know it's hard, but you can still remain close. You sound like a great mum, so I'm sure that you'll do just that.

[SecretNutellaFix]

Yes, cherish the time with her, but you know what you've done? You have raised daughters who are independent and confident because you raised them to be so. You put in a lot of hard work and now look- they have blossomed into women who are ready to take on the world.

I moved a similar distance from my own mother when I was 22. I appreciate every single moment I can spend with her and every thing she has done for me means so much. And as I get older I realise exactly how much, even though she would never say what it cost her, emotionally or financially. I hope it's the same with your own DD's.

You seem to have put so much of yourself into your children, take a little time to find out who you are now. Find something important to you- whether it's meeting up with friends once a week or taking up a new hobby. It won't stop you missing her from time to time but it will fill the void you feel at the minute. It will also help your DD- moving a fair distance from your family comes with it's own set of emotions, especially if you were close knit beforehand.

[FreshHorizons]

I am just surprised that you expected your children to always live near you!
I speak to my mother most days but she is 200miles away.
My children are between an hour and a half and 3 hours away, one of them was working abroad last year. I have friends whose children are in Australia, New Zealand and Canada.
You have done a great job if they are independent and confident.
I would get counselling for your abusive childhood - you don't want to hamper them by being over needy.
Now is your time to follow your own interests and you can still see plenty of them and have regular contact.
Of course it is fine to feel sad but don't burden her by letting her know.

[silvermantela]

110 miles isn't too far at all - I'm about your dd's age and peers at school have moved all over the world! She could be in Australia!
Try and look on the bright side - every time you see her now it will be an occasion and you will be so excited to see one another - but at the same time you can still text and message each other every day if you want.
You can have an excuse to go on lots of day trips together or go over to hers and have a lovely girly weekend every few months.
You can always keep your options open...e.g. in a few years if she has children, and depending on what your other dd does, perhaps you and dp can move nearer to her?

You sound as if you've been a lovely mum and always done the best for her...and it sounds that she thinks this step is the best thing for her now at this stage of her life. Wouldn't you prefer her to be financially secure living in her own home rather than paying £££ to live at the whim of a landlord that could ask her to move at any time?

[Smartiepants79]

Going against the grain here, but i think it's ok to show her that you are sad she's leaving and will miss her being around. As long as she also knows you're happy and excited for her and this new chapter in her life.
It would be weird if you weren't sad at all. She must know already that you will miss her. It's a bit of an elephant in the room.

[Smartiepants79]

My sister is 250 miles away from my mum (and me). We all know that my mum would love for her to be closer. That doesn't mean that she isn't fully supportive of my sisters choice. There is no guilt.

[JanetOfTheApes]

It's only 110 miles though, thats not much at all. It's like a 2 hour drive, its nothing.
Console yourself that she's been near you this long, and didn't emigrate to Australia or the Far East. She's just down the road compared with that.

It's time to work on being yourself, and not just a mother, which may have been your happiest time, but isn't all you are.

[tilliebob]

Aww OP, I howl at the idea of my eldest going away to uni so I think you're entitled. However as pps have said, you've brought her up well - happy, educated and independent. Distance won't make that much difference. Remind me of this once ds1 goes off to uni, won't you?!

[Headofthehive55]

I think it's fine to let her know you miss her. Moving closer to my mum is the single thing I would change about my life if I could. She may be feeling the same, but understands that needs must.

It may only be for a short while. Moves rarely have to be permanent.

[NoOneIsInterested]

I think you just need to try and get over it. Although I'm sure that's easier said than done. Have a cry if you want to and feel sad but try and keep it to yourself.

My four DC are uni age and it won't be long before they leave home properly. I make myself talk about it positively as I would hate them to feel any guilt about getting on with their lives. I have always made sure I had my own interests and friends so it's not as though they think my life revolves around them. DH and I are also having a great time going on holiday and enjoying each other's company. I'm genuinely delighted that my kids are growing up and flying the nest even though I will miss them.

[Headofthehive55]

It's ok to mourn the things that you will miss. If I had my time again, I think I would have been a lot more reluctant to move away than I was. There are positives too, it's too far to babysit on an ad hoc evening so my time with them is more about seeing them rather than them helping out.

[Hassled]

Your job isn't over - it never is. She still loves and needs you just as much as she ever did. You've created an independent, resilient adult despite your appalling upbringing and you should be bloody proud of yourself - but as a fellow parent of adult DC, I can tell you it doesn't stop here. The needs change, and the time spent with them lessens, but they always need to know that you're there for them. It'll be OK.