to want to cancel party(12 Posts)
Hi all, sorry need to vent- don't know if it's hormones or if I'm getting to the end of my patience.
Been friends with a group of girls (6 of us) for the past 4 years. We were in an organised social group when we all met (I was the common link at first as I was an event host), then we kind of broke away and did our own thing. I've always been quite proactive, arranging meals out, gatherings etc. What with work being stressful and expecting first DC I've been doing less of this of late, and this is where I'm ticked off. If I don't initiate contact or arrange something I don't hear from any of them. It's happened before, I've said something but nothing really changes and then I've distanced myself for a bit but as I don't have any other friends locally I end up missing them and "giving in" so I get in touch to arrange a get together.
One in particular hardly bothers replying to my messages but she's very regularly on social media/messaging services, and will reply fairly quickly to other people in the group chat.
DH has arranged a get together at our house imminently which has included inviting these girls and after being ignored again tonight, I've had enough. I know people are busy and have their own lives but they have time to respond to other people/like and comment on social media posts yet not to me (I'm not talking about myself in messages, I'm checking in to find out how they're doing!) I don't hear anything from them if I don't get in touch. I'm tired and stressed out with preg-related nausea and fatigue, and could really do with my friends around me (only one knows I'm expecting, the one I mentioned above) but feel even more lonely.
Tired of playing hostess all the time and not getting invited back to anyone's.
DH says I've made a rod for my own back by being generous and basically making other people's social lives nice and easy, AIBU to ask him to cancel the party and tell the crew to F off?
Do what you like. Sounds like they do anyway.
They may be finding all your invitations too constant and overwhelming. Maybe they just don't want to meet up as often as you do. I don't think there's any need to be rude to these friends, but perhaps try to meet some other people who have similar expectations to yours.
I agree with your DH that you've made a rod for your own back, which means it might take a while for them to play catch up now you've changed 'the rules'.
I don't think you can really hold it against them for not realising you need more from them when the dynamics of the group have previously been that you're the proactive one and they follow your lead.
No need to cancel the party and give them the big fuck off, that'd just be cutting off your nose and will look like you're having a tantrum, especially if you'll start missing them after a while.
Without sounding like
the a cold hearted bitch I am take what you want from the group and don't do the stuff you can't be arsed with. You might need to spell it out a bit better when you need their support but your friendships will survive.
Fair point rockunit, I'm talking twice a month tops though and if I don't arrange anything they whinge that nothing's going on!!
Would love to get out and about and meet some new people, but as I'm not drinking and travel a lot with work on a daily basis I'm not sure I'm in a position to cultivate new friends- I can just about get through the working day at the moment what with feeling rubbish! Any ideas where I can meet new people? Tried local WI but all a lot older and other social groups advertised involve a lot of alcohol...
How far along are you with your pregnancy?
Could you look into what groups will be around to go to with your baby?
Plenty of people to meet up with there, and going on the threads on here, plenty more opportunities for getting messed about by a whole new set of friends. Something to look forward to. Then there's nursery Mums, school run Mums, sleepover Mums, the list is endless
Thanks for the reply zigzag, not sure I actually get anything out of the situation at the moment TBH (prob just me being stroppy though), will try sitting back a bit as you've suggested. Seeing as I'm the first to be expecting and some of them are quite self-absorbed, you're most likely right in that I will need to spell out that I need a bit of support and that I can't maintain my unofficial role as "social director" forever!
I'm around 11 weeks, 😂😂 at "plenty more opportunities to be messed about by a whole new group of friends"
Ach, 11 weeks with your first and you're likely to be feeling like total crap (I know I did), fingers crossed that'll pass relatively quickly and you might feel differently in a few weeks time.
Your DH sounds as though he's looking after you and talking sense, let him shoulder all the crap while you put your feet up and drink tea <writes out prescription for OP to that effect>
I really think that Facebook, Social Media, Group Chats and WhatsApp are really having a negative effect on peoples relationships and self esteem, I know I've had my moments - have a Facebook detox for a bit and see who still gets in touch via phone or text. Their friendship is genuine.
How about finding a prenatal yoga class or something like that? You'll find the dynamics change anyway when you have a baby so it's a good idea to try and widen your social circle and be less invested in these other friends.
Oh and the party - are they the only guests? If not just have fun without them don't cancel it for their sake!
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