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AIBU?

To think he's no longer interested?

15 replies

zoewest · 17/03/2016 18:42

So I've been with my partner 4 years now, both agreed marriage isn't something we value or need, but we were very happy as we were. I fell pregnant nearly two months ago now, it was a complete shock to us both and wasn't expected, I definitely didn't feel ready... yet this has happened, and I was scared (still am!) but excited - no regrets.

However, since news hit, he's been acting very different to the man I used to know... he was once very affectionate and caring, and now he seems very closed up, lacking any interest in me and he hardly touches me. I understand it was unexpected and maybe he's still in shock, but I can't help but feel he doesn't want all of this. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he acts as if everything's fine and he wants this, but I feel like he's just putting on a brave face so he doesn't hurt me. AIBU to think he's no longer interested and wants out? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

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TheoriginalLEM · 17/03/2016 18:46

I was with dp for 15 years before i got pregnant. He was grand at firdt then went quiet on me. dd is 10 now and despite some tough times we are still together. He came round fsirly quickly after the first scan!

zoewest · 17/03/2016 18:51

Thanks TheoriginalLEM for your message - I wondered if anyone had similar experiences to me, so knowing that is a great comfort... doesn't mean things will work out the same for me, but hoping he will come round eventually.

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JuxtapositionRecords · 17/03/2016 19:11

I just don't think they 'get' it. Imagine if it was the other way around - the person you are with is growing a little baby that you made inside of them but you have no real connection with it yet. We feel the sickness, hormones, the kicking, get the bond. Men have nothing like that.

He is probably just coming to terms with it all. I definitely withdraw into myself when I have a lot to deal with, maybe he is the same?

Congratulations! I'm sure it will all work out

zoewest · 17/03/2016 20:37

That's very true JuxtapositionRecords, I wondered if it's really sunken in for him yet and he's just taking time to adjust. Lol, men eh? It's just left me so confused.

Thank you though!

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SalemSaberhagen · 17/03/2016 20:45

I had been with DP for 6 years when I very unexpectedly fell pregnant (we didn't actually find out until I was 14 weeks gone).

He too, went very quiet and withdrawn. I thought he was thinking of leaving, but he needed time to process it. Even during the pregnancy he wasn't one of those men who kissed and spoke to my bump but do you know what? DD is 18 months old now and he absolutely worships the ground she walks on. There is not a thing he wouldn't do for her, he is the most loving father and partner I could imagine.

Like PP said, I think it is detached from men as they aren't actually going through it. All will be fine. And congratulations!

MiniCooperLover · 17/03/2016 20:50

Sadly I have read many stories (and slightly experienced) that the idea of a baby coming and the ensuing responsibility sends men a little crazy. Even when planned they get a bit freaked out. Can you talk to him about it? As if he's worried, scared, etc?

SalemSaberhagen · 17/03/2016 20:58

Have you got any mutual friends with children too? Perhaps he can speak to the fathers and they can reassure him/tell him their experiences? He might want to talk about any worries he has but doesn't want to burden you. DP loves being the voice of experience to his new father friends!

zoewest · 17/03/2016 21:09

Hi SalemSaberhagen - love your name and thank you, glad things worked out in your case. We bought a place together 6 months ago now - an area where he grew up, so I don't know many people here and feel quite lonely to be honest. I do meet with friends of mine when I can, but it's a bit of a trek for me or them, depending on who's travelling. He has his own circle of friends and I have mine. As far as I'm aware, none of his have children. My best friend has 2 kids though! I keep meaning to invite her and her husband up here to maybe stay for a weekend, but hers are only young so I imagine she's busy. Anyway sorry for rambling

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GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 17/03/2016 21:23

My dp was the same - first scan and he cried...for the wrong reasons But our ds is now 9 months old and my dp is a great dad, very hands on and he's a pretty good dp too! I think men just get a bit shell shocked by it all, I think women accept and adapt quicker because they have to, it's their body iyswim

Congrats on your pregnancy

HeffalumpHistory · 17/03/2016 21:25

I had a very similar experience to Salem when pregnant with ds. Not quite as bad during pregnancy with dd but still a little...strange! (Both unplanned but very much loved)
I believe it is very common and I suppose understandable.
Doesn't help when you're feeling scared & vulnerable & need them but you are def not alone..

Congratulations & hope you keep well

SalemSaberhagen · 17/03/2016 21:25

Don't apologise! Perhaps tell him any worries you have, invite him to open up a bit? Or just give him a bit of space if you feel that will be better for him. Either way, it will all end up ok, I bet you

SolidGoldBrass · 17/03/2016 21:33

An unexpected pregnancy is a shock, and it'snot entirely unreasonable for a man to need a bit of time to get used to the idea of imminent fatherhood.
At the same time, you have had a shock as well. and you may be in need of extra support in terms of domestic work and more rest.
Have a think about your relationship prior to this: was DP generally decent, kind, did he do his share of domestic work and treat you like an equal partner? Is he still doing nice things for you? Or was your prior relationship always about making sure his needs were met and worrying that if you didn't please him enough he would leave?

Do bear in mind that you have choices and options that are not dependent on what he wants. You could decide to terminate the pregnancy. You could decide that DP is a burden and a nuisance and tell him to leave because you would rather be a single parent than have to run around after him as well as a baby.
You could tell him that you don't want to live with a man who is not committed to sharing parenthood with you and he can either shape up or get out. Don't leave yourself in the position of waiting for him to decide what happens next.

tinyterrors · 17/03/2016 21:35

My dh, then dp, was the same when I fell pregnant with our first who was also unplanned. Tbh he was the same when I was pregnant with the other dcs too who were planned.

He's a brilliant dad and husband who adores our dcs, even when they're doing their best to drive us insane.

As pp have said babies are real for women from the beginning, we have hormone changes, feel nauseous, feel kicks etc, whereas for some men even seeing their baby on a scan doesn't make it real. My dh didn't like feeling our dcs kick, it freaked him out a little, and he could only make two scans out of all of them due to work.

With our first I worried that he'd changed his mind and regretted everything until dc1 was born. The first time he held her was the first time I ever saw him cry. I think it only really became real for him once she was a tangible living thing.

Talk to your oh and tell him how you're feeling, not in a nagging or emotional way, try and calmly explain how his behaviour is making you feel. In all likelihood he's still in shock but it's better to talk calmly now rather than let it bug you for months on end and come out in a big hormonal rant later.

zoewest · 17/03/2016 22:11

Thank you guys for your lovely messages and suggestions, it's been bottling up for a little while now so it's nice to have a place to vent a little.

I have no plans to terminate my pregnancy, I do want this baby, with or without him. We were definitely 'equals' beforehand and still are, it was just behavioural changes I noticed more and lack of physical contact, he seems a lot less affectionate and it's as if he's scared to touch me haha.

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HeddaGarbled · 17/03/2016 23:36

If you do stay together you need to revisit the marriage issue or ensure that you do not become financially dependent upon him. So many women give up work or cut down their hours or stall their career progression once they have children, whilst their partners forge ahead with their careers, accumulating pensions and savings. Then 10 or more years on the relationship breaks down and the woman is left with nothing except a paltry amount of maintenance for the child while he walks away with everything.

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