Ex's new 'girlfriend' wanting to meet DC..

(81 Posts)
penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:16:34

Totally prepared to take a flaming here but interested on opinions.

Ex DP and I get on well, we mostly co parent and liase with each other about the children quite nicely.
He has had many (and I mean many) women in his life since we split up and thats fine, its not any of my business.

However the most recent one who lives some hundred or so miles away is wanting to come and visit Easter weekend and meet the DC. I have told him no and I wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

Firstly he has only known her a few months himself and due to the distance only seen her a handful (3 maybe 4) times and I think this is too soon for any woman to want to be involved in the lives of the children.

Secondly she may not know this but I imagine she is temporary, they all have been as they all want to move things on way too fast for him and he gets fed up, this is again none of my business but feels relevant as its now potentially affects my children.

She thinks I'm being unreasonable because I don't want her to meet them yet, I don't think I am, I think the distance between them is not sustainable for a long term future and I can't see the point in subjecting our DC to getting to know her unnecessarily. I also personally don't understand why a woman with children herself would be in such a hurry to get involved to that degree yet.

Our DC have no idea that he has a gf or indeed has had any, he has never told them and it will be a complete bolt out of the blue for them so for her to just turn up and share the house with them all Easter weekend I feel is just totally mad.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think he is that bothered and I know hes still dating other women but this is the first time he has gone as far as suggesting it to me so maybe he does like her a bit more than the others but if thats the case what is the harm in waiting.
I am and have been really supportive to him and if he is happy then thats good for us all but I think a bit of me feels a bit let down by this other woman for not understanding my point of view..

So, flame me if I deserve it!

boredofusername Wed 16-Mar-16 17:20:52

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her./him to wait until you are sure she is going to stick around. It's very confusing for children for there to be lots of lady friends around who disappear after a short time.

However, if you are reading this and in a similar situation please don't be like my friend's ex. They've been together for about 6 or more years. She has lived with him for much of that time. Yet she has never met his two daughters (who live locally) because his ex wouldn't like it!

SolidGoldBrass Wed 16-Mar-16 17:24:19

YANBU not to want to host this woman ie have her stay in your house. However, depending on the age of your DC, would your XP be happy for her to visit them and simply be introduced as a 'friend'of their dad's? Or does he think she might start doing the 'And I'm going to be your new stepmother' stuff and freak them out?

penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:27:20

Yes I don't mind her meeting them as his friend but sleeping over is a bit much and will make them feel awkward as they are used to having him totally to themselves.
They are certainly old enough to cope with it all but I feel he should at least have warned them first and they should have a brief meeting the first few times not a whole weekend in the same house.

She sounds a bit bonkers anyway as she has seen him all of 4 times maximum and adores him already (he is not adorable, if he was I would still be with him!)

TheWitTank Wed 16-Mar-16 17:27:25

I don't think yabu at all. It's not necessary or appropriate at this stage in their relationship for her to meet the children.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Wed 16-Mar-16 17:27:48

If he would be OK to introduce her as a friend and she would be OK with that, and the kids are young enough to accept it, that would be a way around the potential confusion for the DC

penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:28:41

I'm glad you agree, I actually feel that as a woman she is letting me down a bit by pushing for this so soon.
She has children herself and to me I can't imagine how she can not see this is way too soon.

penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:30:07

I don't think she wants to go down the 'this is my new friend' route as she will have to drive a long way to come here and I assume she wants to stay.

Apparently its about time she met them and she can't understand why I'm being a cow about it!

MorrisZapp Wed 16-Mar-16 17:30:48

How do you know all this? What does your ex say about it?

neonrainbow Wed 16-Mar-16 17:32:02

It's actually none of your business who the kids see while they're with him. I can't believe they're even involving you in this.

lalalalyra Wed 16-Mar-16 17:33:25

If they don't even know about her then no, you are not being unreasonable at all.

Although, unfortunately, you can only give him your opinion and hope he respects it. If he decides to introduce her to them on his contact time there's nothing you can do stop him (bitter experience talking).

You don't think she should meet them, she thinks she should - what does he think? His opinion, and yours, are the only ones that matters. Her opinion/wants are not your problem and he shouldn't be trying to make them so.

neonrainbow Wed 16-Mar-16 17:34:17

"As a woman she's letting you down" wtf? How about she wants to get to know her boyfriends children? Get your nose out!! Either ex can parent the kids or he cant.

lunar1 Wed 16-Mar-16 17:35:20

I think that it's very odd she thinks it would be appropriate to stay there when they have never met and she has only spent a few days with their dad. It would make me question her sense of boundaries.

JolseBaby Wed 16-Mar-16 17:35:46

So what does your Ex think?

I would discuss with him - if you get on reasonably well - and point out the following:
You're quite happy for the DC to meet a partner if the relationship has been in place for a while and looks serious.
Transient relationships - i.e. where he is still seeing more than one person so nothing is serious, are a no-no because it will be confusing for the DC to see a parade of people walk in and out of their lives.
The fact that she is pushing to meet the DC after only seeing him face-to-face on four occasions, feels quite inappropriate. Stability and consistency are the most important things for them.

I think if you position it as both of you wanting what is best for the DC, then hopefully he will come on board and agree with you. The problem that you have is that he should be saying 'no' to her himself, rather than relying on you.

abbsismyhero Wed 16-Mar-16 17:37:36

i thought there was sort of an unwritten rule 6months or 12months in a relationship before you consider introducing a partner? i wouldn't introduce anyone to my cat after seeing them a couple of times

ctjoy103 Wed 16-Mar-16 17:38:32

Yanbu, if the kids don't even know he has a gf then it's not really ok. Also if she doesn't want to go down 'the friend' route, then it's a bit hmmwhy she's pushing it so quick.

abbsismyhero Wed 16-Mar-16 17:39:18

dadsdivorce.com/articles/when-should-divorced-dads-introduce-the-new-girlfriend/

this is from a dad's site so its meant to be from a mans perspective

penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:41:34

Actually he asked me what I thought, as he values my opinion as their mother and her response was I was being unreasonable.

They are barely in a relationship. Does 4 weekends count as a relationship? Especially as I know it won't last.

And Neonrainbow how about you fuck off if you can't say anything constructive as I'm clearly just trying to figure out the fall out for my children who potentially will have to spend a weekend in his house with a stranger when they don't even know he is dating.

penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:42:17

I also thought it was about 6 months for a reasonable time to then introduce to the children and its kind of the time line I am working on.

penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:44:47

Oh and to clarify it is my business who they spend time with, we have ensured we consult each other and try to make the fact we aren't together as easy for them as possible.
If I was to introduce a man after 4 weekends he would go ballistic especially if I hadn't discussed it with him first.

WorraLiberty Wed 16-Mar-16 17:48:26

How old are the kids?

waterrat Wed 16-Mar-16 17:49:06

It's just awful to say she is letting uou down as a woman ! What the f? The person who has a responsibility to your children's welfare is your husband

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge Wed 16-Mar-16 17:52:06

Hmn.

My awful ex did the 'this is my friend MyFavourite' and brought his kids to see me (just to piss off their mother, I now realise). It was all fine, we thought. But as they were about to leave the 6 year old said 'You can kiss now'. We hadn't fooled them for a minute.

Since the GF has no common sense on this, better they don't meet her at all.

penguinplease Wed 16-Mar-16 17:52:17

By saying letting me down I mean I can't understand why after 4 weekends of two nights she wants to be part of their lives for a 4 day weekend .
If that were me I wouldn't dream of wanting or pushing to do that.
She has children and I would've assumed that she would get why I think it's too soon.
They have never seen him with a woman other than me, he has never told them about any of his 'friends' and they will feel awkward if she is in his house all weekend long.
But if I'm being unreasonable then so be it!

JanetOfTheApes Wed 16-Mar-16 17:58:12

I would feel the same as you BUT he is their parent same as you, and you don'tactually have any right, legally or otherwise, to tell him where he can go when he has his own children, and who they can meet.

Be very wary of ruining a civil co-parenting relationship over an issue you can never actually have any control over.

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